Friends with benefits

[Yellowbeboo]

I have an attraction to a guy who is pissing me around a bit, I suppose an emotionally unavailable man. I do have feelings for him but I am sure he just wants a FWB or fuckbuddy or whatever, we have had lots of messenger sex chat.

I really really want to shag him but wondering if it is worth the subsequent heartache that will undoubtedly follow. I am trying to not get attached but I haven't had sex for 3 years and never fancied it before now!

Can women do FWB without being really hurt?

I've never had a FWB but I'd say if you're scared of getting hurt and feel that's almost certain to happen then it probably isn't for you.

By emotionally unavailable do you mean he is with someone else? If he is then don't.

Why set yourself up for potentially yet more heartache from someone whom you admit is pissing you around a bit?. Is this all you think you deserve?. A person with both a good and healthy sense of self worth and self esteem would not give such a man the time of day.

Love your own self for a change.

Why do you have an attraction to such a person in the first place, have you met him in real life?. Do you keep going for the same emotionally unavailable types?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

What needs of yours are being met here?.

Yes some women can sometimes do fwb without getting hurt.

You might be one of those women sometimes. Now, with this man, it would appear you are not.

I'd keep away. If I were you.

I say well done on the insight that he is not that into you, and on the foresight of understanding the heartache you risk if you act on your lust.

Now, the hard part will be stopping yourself from acting on that lust. Keep strong! Keep busy. Distract yourself with work, hobby, friends. Every time you catch yourself obsessing about him, force yourself to do something else.

Good luck.

Why do you want a man that only wants you for a shag, surely that tells you everything, regardless of whether you fancy him or not, can't you find someone to fancy that actually fancies you and not just sex, I bet you could.

I think you're just desperate for some affection and are taking whatever you can get at the moment, fine as long as you know you are getting used.

I have a friend who for the 100th time has been dumped again, I said why are you bothered, he made it pretty clear it was only ever going to be about sex - she's stil upset and whether we like it or not us females instantly attach emotionally to a man we are intimate with, we are conditioned that way. And yes, I know some women bang away with anybody without guilt, not many tho.

He's not with anyone else, I met him through his sister and have been to his house, he may possibly be dating or shagging other people I have no idea but not in a relationship.

I have no doubt he is a bit of an arse, I am just enjoying feeling 'something' after so long. We have a sexual attraction but he goes missing from communication for a week or two here and there, this only started just before xmas and I haven't seen him as I was in Australia over xmas and just got back last week.

I do enjoy the attention when it happens and would go for it, just read about all the hormonal turmoil that happens once you actually have sex with him and wonder if it would tip me over the edge.

I get where you are coming from, OP. Especially if he's the first person you've fancied in three years. However, guys that do the sex text chat are usually getting off on the fact that they are doing it with lots of different women, it's an ego thing. If he is pissing you about, do you know if he would actually be up for a shag? Some just like chatting smut.

I would do a pros and cons list and then make your mind up. If you just want to use him to get back in the game, fine. If you want to go on dates with him, or think you would be upset if you had sex a few times before he moves on then don't do it.

No I have no idea if he would actually do it, I'm not keen on asking either!

If I get strong enough to stop it, is it best to just no reply to messages, these are all on facebook messenger so you can see when it is 'seen'. I am not keen to block however as nothing bad has happened.

Oh if it is of any relevance I know he has had a stressful few weeks starting a new job and house sale falling through twice! (not making excuses just more info)

What GoodPirate said:

It is possible to have no-strings sex and enjoy it but only if you are in control of the situation and basically don't want anything else. This doesn't seem to describe your situation, you have said yourself he is "pissing you around" so you're not in control.

If you are in a situation like this and are holding out for more you need to stop it as it won't happen. A man who really wants to be with you, as opposed to dangle you about on the offchance he fancies a shag, will do the running. And no, job stress etc have no relevance to this whatsoever.

Sorry to be harsh, but I've been in your situation countless times when I was younger and could have done with a talking to. It's not worth your time and emotional investment.

It absolutely can work, doesn't sound like in this example it will.

Be honest with yourself, do you want no strings sex with him?
Do you on some level hope it will turn into a relationship?
Will you be upset if a future partner is unhappy for you to return from fwb to a platonic friendship?

My fwb is a good friend, we have been friends for years. We have the sort if friendship that is intermittent. We can both drift off and do our own thing for a couple of years and pick up where we left off.
We have loving and intimate sex that has deepened our friendship (particularly aimed at pp whose disparaging comment about banging anyone offended me)

I love him dearly but there is no room for any further development in our relationship.
I wouldn't be completely devastated if he got a gf/bf who was uncomfortable with me and we drifted apart

I think it very much depends on a whole host of factors your/their state of mind, the existing friendship, all party's abilities to talk openly about what the relationship means to them and where it goes

No, not this man.

FWB can work but only if you're on the same page. You and he aren't. It's a recipe for disaster and a lot of hurt - yours.

Thanks for all the replies. How would I go about stopping it, do I say anything? I'm not really keen to block on FB as nothing bad has happened and it seems a bit extreme like ended a relationship that hasn't actually started!

I would just say something like, 'anyway, it's been fun chatting to you but I'm going to park it/step away now as I've got lots on at the moment' or similar.

Just don't contact him, don't reply. Don't need to bother blocking him. You don't owe him anything. Walk away with as little fuss as possible.