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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can't find the strength to leave..

17 replies

brusslesprout · 15/01/2014 16:11

Please help me with my relationship troubles, bear with me as it’s long and tedious

I have been with OH for 8 years since my early 20’s. OH is 33 now and for the last few years has been desperate for children, has had bad luck with finding work and was in and out of work for 3 years while we were renting, not his fault purely just couldn’t get a job, has no real qualifications of any kind, but has a good work ethic and will do any job he can to pay the bills. His main goal in life is to be a Dad, nothing wrong with that.

Last year we moved into new rented accommodation, had a lot of stress with landlords and neighbours so we are now living back at his parents.

He has now issued me an ultimatum that we have to try for a baby straight away or it’s over. His Mum is also putting pressure on us and has been doing for the last 3 years, always mentioning grandchildren etc. Now I don’t mind the ultimatum if that’s how he feels but we have nowhere to live, and I don’t like the idea of being a first time Mum and living with the in-laws which is what he wants. I know they would help out etc but I think if we’re going to have a child would be better to have our own space so we could learn things for ourselves, I fear his parents would try and take-over and because I’m quite meek and mild I’d probably end up letting them. He is also of the thinking that we will have a baby and get a council flat just like magic. I don’t think this is realistic and I would like more security before having children. He accuses me of stalling all of the time and says there will never be a perfect time.

I am willing to save for our own place and then start a family but he does not want to wait another day, says he doesn’t want to be an “old” Dad. Renting isn’t really what either of us wants either, as then we will be trapped and not able to save.

Also he accuses me of being immature as I said I’m not ready for children yet, I think I am being grown up as there are many times when I’ve wanted to quit my job and run away to Australia or somewhere like that but I never have!

I keep trying to walk away but feel like I have lost my right arm when he’s not around, can’t stand not knowing how he is or not talking to him.
When I think of him having children with someone else it kills me, but that is selfish of me to say that as I’m the one who isn’t ready yet so really he should be free to do that with someone else.

I know I am holding him back now but I just can’t seem to let go.

OP posts:

FairytaleOfNY · 15/01/2014 16:20

Didn't want to read and run. You have to tell him that you don't want children just now. Your lives and relationship are under enormous stress with the instability of his employment, and your lack of housing - having a child would make all those pressures a million times worse. Sorry for repeating this because you already know it but I thought it might help to know your opinion is shared by a stranger on the internet!

You sound very mature (not immature!).

If you're finding it impossible to let go, then would you consider staying with friends or family for a little while? Having a break might help. Also, consider seeing a counsellor - they'll help you work out why you're finding it so difficult to leave. You are going to miss him. That's only natural but it's not a good enough reason to stay.

Jan45 · 15/01/2014 16:24

He is the one that is immature, you have no home and are lodging at his parents house and he is 33, he's not exactly done well for himself has he and in that vein, he has absolutely no right to expect you to bring a child into this world when he is offering you zero security, never mind using a baby as a way to control you.

Tell him where to go, this might be the catalyst in helping you move on with your life without him. Yes of course you would miss him and wonder what he is doing but that would soon fade.

MatildaWhispers · 15/01/2014 20:13

Don't listen to the ultimatum. Having your first child involves such a massive change to your life, you need to feel ready yourself. He sounds controlling.

You sound mature and sensible. Are you working now? How does he plan to support you whilst you are off on maternity leave?

Lweji · 15/01/2014 20:22

TBH, decide what you want regardless of ultimatums. He has his agenda and you have yours.
If you consider that this is a bad time for you to have a baby, then it's a bad time. End of.

He can go if he wants. Please don't have a baby you don't want just to keep a man.

Lweji · 15/01/2014 20:22

Or rather, when you don't want.

Original poster

brusslesprout · 15/01/2014 20:43

Thanks for the replies I work full time yes have done for he past 6 years. He does work too full time but doesn't earn a great amount. It would be a struggle to rent on half of my wage and his.

I know you need to feel ready which is why I don't want to rush into it, I don't feel strong enough to be a parent yet. I'm always second guessing myself and constantly seek advice from others as I struggle to make my own decisions.

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 15/01/2014 20:47

A man who tries to coerce a woman into carrying and giving birth to a baby she doesn't want is not a good man.

You need to leave him.

It's fucking mind-boggling what he is prepared to put you through so he can achieve his "ambition" of becoming a father.

Seriously, do not EVER have children with this man.

MatildaWhispers · 15/01/2014 20:59

What does he say when you say you would like to wait?

If you're not ready then you're not ready. You need to do what's right for you. You do realise you should be getting the final say here? However much he appears to be desperate to be a dad, and however much his mum may help out, your life will change drastically with your first baby. If you have been coerced you will end up feeling trapped. Not to mention that, as Join said, of course he can't be a good man if he's coercing you.

Leverette · 15/01/2014 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Custardo · 15/01/2014 21:16

my ultimatum to him

get a job that will support a child and get us a flat

fuckhead

then i would tell him to fuck off to the back of fuckswille and turn left to fucktown

Original poster

brusslesprout · 15/01/2014 21:31

Custardo!

OP posts:

Custardo · 15/01/2014 21:34

SolidGoldBrass · 15/01/2014 22:05

This man doesn't want to be a father. What he wants is to trap you and put you in a dependent position. He is profoundly inadequate. Get out of this relationship while you still can - you do not need his permission or his co-operation to do so.

Anomaly · 16/01/2014 01:03

If you have a baby with him in these circumstances you'll end up trapped.

From a financial point of view you'll find you have to carry on working full time. Your partner will end up staying home caring for your child but finding it not too taxing as MIL will no doubt be happy to do the donkey work.

FluffyJumper · 16/01/2014 02:22

Quit your job and run off to Australia.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/01/2014 06:58

And he wants you to bring a child into this!....

Its not you being immature here, its him. He has given this really no thought whatsoever and has just drifted through life ending up at 33 and living with Mum and Dad. They have not done him any favours either.

What do you get out of this relationship though; you have and still continue to put up with a hell of a lot and you are still with him. Why is that?. Has you been fed the line that you won't manage without him?. What needs of yours are being met here?.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; not with this man I hope.

Time to part ways now; you two really should not be together.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2014 07:42

'OH' means you're not married? With no kids, no shared financial commitments and no wedding ring, you're a young woman with total freedom & the world at your feet. By contrast, he seems to be a deadbeat with no prospects and an overbearing family. No wonder they want you barefoot and pregnant....

This is one of those 'sliding doors' moments in life where the choice you make next will have a profound effect on your long-term future. Start looking into air-fares to Australia, new jobs or alternative single accommodation.

Call his bluff.

Flip