Name changed as DP is also mumsnetter, just need to type something really. Feeling down.
A bit of background: DP had a very abusive marriage before we got together, pretty much ticked every box going. We had been very close friends for years, I moved in to help out with DSD. Things happened that surprised us and everyone else, quite a big change especially for her parents who aren't the most supportive shall we say, and after a period of not sure what we started going out.
After we got closer she started to tell me what went on in her marriage, already knew about her ex, referred to as twunt from here, spending money and lying about it, not doing anything to help with DSD and generally being manipulative saying he didn't love her. She told me all the other stuff, and we agreed she should go to women's aid get legal help and counselling. She also had a very demanding Uni course, though with a guaranteed job at the end, that was piling on the pressure. This all lead to a pretty major breakdown about a year ago, what with realising how bad things had been, money worries, her parents giving no emotional support if they disagreed with her and her Uni offering no support just saying either do it or postpone.
All of this was hard, in the space of a few months I had a partner I loved with suicidal depression, in laws who are frosty at the best of times and downright rude at others, a toddler DSD who I love more than I can say and a mortgage. I changed to a full time job as soon as I could, it's hard work for little pay, but the best I could find right now and it just makes ends meet. DP's depression was worse, and I did wobble finding it hard to take care of her, DSD, work etc means I have little time for my self. I told DP about this and was told I wasn't allowed to fall apart right then, needed to support her and our family. So I did, a few bad days occasionally where I just wanted to sob, or found myself standing close to the platform edge, but have managed so far.
Things started to get better, DP got diagnosed with PTSD and is getting help with that, and the depression and anxiety seemed to be lifting. Started to see my best friend and the love of my life again, most energy is being put into helping her recover still, so I still feel like I'm not really on the radar but that's ok. We prepared for her to return to uni, and even of starting a family of own together, DSD is baby obsessed so brought it to the forefront of our minds.
Uni sort of sprung DP going back on her, saying last Wednesday could she start this Monday. Stressful but we agreed she should, today is meant to be her first proper day, this morning she just said she can't. Rolled over in bed just saying I'm not doing it. Nothing I can say will convince her otherwise, tried everything from pushing her by saying it will be fine and she can't put it off much more, to compromising and even begging her to go. She shouted at me, saying she just needed me to support her decision and I knew nothing about it. I gave her a hug and asked her just try it for a day, even a half day to get a informed opinion at least, I got a very uninspiring maybe. Then childminders came for DSD, and she went back to bed.
I don't know why I have included all this, don't know what I expect or even if I want a reply I just needed to say that right now I feel so worn. It has been the best, but also the hardest, year of my life to get to this point and I don't know if I can do it again. She can say that I am not allowed to brake down, but when I plead for her just to do one day, it's a no. I offer to help call people, wright emails but it is always put off, and all of a sudden I can't do it anymore today. I just have no drive to go to work, can't even force myself, just want to cry. I don't know if I want to have a child with her, DSD is hard work, looking after the two of them tires me out to the point where I just don't want to exist some times. That was fine when I felt decisions where made together, but today I feel like I am just here as a support not a partner.
I am worried exactly the same would happen if she got stressed while pregnant, and I just... Can't take another year of it right now. I just don't know, maybe it will be better in the morning. Sorry if this makes no sense. Like I said, just needed to write it, better than internalising it all, and either feeling angry or too sad for words.