Would This Dent Your Trust?

[FairytaleOfNY]

Dh has had an ongoing and imo inappropriate 'relationship' with an OW. He says that I don't trust him and that is my problem. I think I don't trust him because he has acted like a twat so to summarise the points that have dented my trust in him:

*when I had ds he told everyone he was taking paternity leave but actually spent the time in his office with his PA (other staff are based elsewhere so it literally was just him and his PA), leaving me at home on my own with ds most of the time

• his PA would send texts at odd times eg when she was out on Sat nights to say she was thinking of him, etc

• after his PA left the company, she still kept in touch with him, sending texts and calling.

• he would never say he'd been in touch with her but since I sometimes use his phone for work too, I'd see her name in recent contacts, then if I commented on that, he would explain why she'd been in touch but always that it was her instigating it

• it's almost 4 yrs since she worked with him but she still texts on occasion. Her last text was about a dream she'd had about him - very 50 Shades of Grey

He says that he doesn't encourage her because he doesn't text back and indeed for the last 4 months or so his bills are online and I can see he hasn't called her. However, I think he should have put a stop to all this long ago and since he hasn't then I don't trust him. He says he still talks to all his former staff (yeah but they aren't sending texts saying they dreamt about being Ana to your Mr Grey!)

You don't need to tell me to LTB as this is just one example in a long line of shitty behaviour and I have already decided to LTB but I just wanted some independent perspectives on this 'trust' issue.

I wouln't be happy. It doesn't sound good, and regardless of what has actually gone on, it makes you unhappy/uneasy. He doesn't seem to be concerned about that. Sorry!

Yes, it would. You've made the right decision.

Parsley that's what I feel too. He didn't care that it made me unhappy or was impacting on my trust in him and the relationship. That was all my problem apparently

Yes it would, and it did. My H (probably STBX) had a similarly inappropriate online relationship with a woman living a long way away.

He justified it on the basis that they had never had sex (he says) and says its no business of mine to police his friendships and was furiously angry with me for, as he sees it, snooping. But they were sending each other pictures of hearts, saying they missed one another etc. He has eventually, after nearly two weeks of denying it, admitted that he knows it wasn't kosher. I strongly suspect though I don't yet have hard evidence that he has had a physical affair and may be planning to continue this after we split. I know he would be livid if I had sent pictures of hearts to another man behind his back.

Never ignore your instincts on these matters. A man who is genuinely in love with you and puts your needs first will move heaven and earth to reassure you if you are feeling insecure (as long as you don't go totally over the top).

If you don't trust him it either is his problem too or you don't have a relationship.

4 years since and she's still in contact, that's says it all, he clearly is not putting her off enough or she would not still be doing it 4 years in, are you sure they are not still having an affair?

You've decided to get out which is brilliant, even after you outed him he still kept the contact, if he really wanted to salvage anything he wouldn't have, good you are not settling for this crap.

It doesn't matter if it would dent somebody else's trust, it already dented yours. You can't help feeling what you feel. But I say, you keep him under a tight surveillance!

I'm still in touch with people I worked with over four years ago. It's not that unusual. Contact is sporadic.

I agree the paternity thing is pretty crap but it can be very, very hard to discourage someone who's determined to keep in touch.

I'm still in touch with people I worked with years ago too but it's not so I can text them my sexual fantasies about them. I also still meet up with them and invite dh along.

soundeven yes it has dented my trust and I know that's important but I wonder if I am too distrusting in this relationship? and if so then I should have realised that sooner and either fixed it or left sooner.

desperatelyseekingsolace I'm sorry your h is being such a FW. I think you're right about the double standard too. I hope you manage to resolve everything with your h in a way that makes you happy

He's a jerk. For what he did on paternity leave alone, that was completely ridiculous. A good bloke would have severed all contact/got a new phone or asked you to check any replies he had to send were discouraging etc.

My gold standard for everything is that if my husband knew something was hurting/upsetting me and he didn't want me to stop hurting, he's not putting me first.

It doesn't matter what the issue actually is, how can somebody who loves you persist in something that guests you.

*guests = hurts!

Separate then file for divorce. simples.

this is mostly due to the 4 years and him not discouraging this woman etc, how do you know what else he's lied about too?

how do you know what else he's lied about too?

^^ yes this is what I feel especially when she was popping up in recent contacts. I wasn't checking his phone because I distrusted him I was simply using it for work and there she would be . . .it made me wonder how much he was contacting her when I wasn't using his phone iyswim.

Probably another phone somewhere .. Sorry

Ana to his mr grey??
Some ppl still don't know that book was EA then..

He has treated you really badly. I wouldn't 'dent' my trust, it would 'end' my trust.

Things I must admit it did cross my mind that he might have another phone but I cba looking for it.

Fairytale it's not resolved yet but I am feeling much happier with the prospect of being alone if that's what fate decides.

I hope your situation resolved itself too.

My ex used to constantly chide me for not being trusting. I needed to be more trusting. It was my cynical lack of trust that made me see issues where none existed.

Of course, the truth was I needed to be LESS trusting as he'd been fucking around for years. I finally looked on his computer when he was out and found a folder of picture evidence and explicit texts/Skypes to/from the one woman who worked under him.

If you lack trust, it's for a reason.

so sorry Fairytale I didn't mean to be blunt but if there is that lie, there probably are others.

I'd cut my losses but that is me.

Whether he instigates it or not, there is some kind of dialogue between them. It could be that he is mailing or instant messaging her or something. The details don't really matter. He is continuing contact when he knows it upsets you. If he wanted to cease contact he could block her number. He hasn't.

Sorry, but it's an "LTB" from me.

LovesPeace yes how ironic that actually the problem is being too trusting rather than being mistrustful of everything. Are you still too trusting or have your experiences made you distrustful of everyone now? I'm not sure I have that balance right.

I just want to say thanks everyone who has taken the time to answer. Sometimes I'm so close to all this that I just lose perspective.

this doesn't sound good - I think he is saying about your lack of trust because he is guilty. it sounds as though they have crossed boundaries. and the fact they are still in touch I would feel exactly the same as you. You say he hasn't text her, but are you sure he has not got another phone hidden or deleting the replied texts.