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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Single parent, feeling lonely but it is so difficult to start a relationship

9 replies

lucsnowe · 14/01/2014 23:01

I don't expect there is anything anyone can say to make this better, but I do feel really sad tonight. I've been a single parent for seven years. Although My kids are seven and three, my three year old DS1 is a miraculous result of a one-off with my ex. During the summer I signed up with eharmony. I've always cringed from something like this, and felt totally freaked by the whole Internet dating scene. However, after lots of fruitless emailing with obviously unsuitable people, I did meet someone with whom I felt a connection. So this is the first time in seven years I've had any sniff of romance. Nothing physical happened, but we met for a drink three or four times and really got on. It was difficult, however, as i so rarely had the opportunity to meet as my kids only see their dad once a month. Anyway, the guy has just emailed tonight to say he has met someone else. For some reason, this has really upset me. I know it is part of the deal of Internet dating that people will be seeing others simultaneously, but I still feel upset. I also know that I was difficult to deal with as I had so little free time, but that just makes me feel rather desperate about it all. I also can't see how I will ever meet someone. In the scheme of things this is minor, but I feel really down tonight.

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tigerbear · 14/01/2014 23:09

Hi, not sure if there's anything I can advise, but just wanted you to know that I sympathise. It's so hard isn't it?
I split up with my ex last year, and I've done internet dating since, and although had a 7 month relationship out of it (with someone who in hindsight was a sociopath!), I found it/am finding it quite brutal online.
The online thing seems like the only way to meet people (as all of my friends are married/in couples and everyone my age seems to already be in a relationship, so distinct lack of opportunities to meet people socially) however most people online (esp the ones without kids) seem to be multiple dating. So depressing...

I've no idea what the answer is I'm afraid, but am here for hand holding!

lucsnowe · 14/01/2014 23:20

Thank you, tiger bear. Yes you are right: Internet dating does seem to be the only way to meet anyone, but I just didn't get on with it. I suppose being brutal on-line saves a lot of time! But that's why I feel so desperate. I really had to force myself to do all the emailing etc. Thank you again for your support!

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lucsnowe · 14/01/2014 23:23

Sorry, just re-read your message. Had thought you meant you were brutal on-line! But I do think a more ruthless approach from me would have put a stop to lots of pointless emailing, which made it all feel depressing. Thank you again.

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tigerbear · 14/01/2014 23:26

No problem.
Which site were you on?
I get the impression that Match and Plenty of Fish have the most 'players' in terms of dodgy men, but of course you never can tell - I guess there a dodgy ones on all of the sites! I'm on Soulmates and stupidly thought there'd be a 'better sort' on there. Hmm, not sure there is...

I've seen one guy for a few dates, but unsure as to whether he's seeing anyone else.
There's a really good Dating Thread on here in Relationships where we all support each other through the ups and downs of online dating, once you're ready to begin again..

HanselandGretel · 14/01/2014 23:36

I'm not one who can get out of the house whenever I like either so have took to OD as a way of 'meeting' someone..trouble is there is not a lot of actual meeting going on! Like you luc, I too have to force the emailing as it's really not my preferred means of communication, I find it boring, boring boring! I've sort of developed my own way of doing things now and won't get into any long emailing sessions finding out all about each other only to discover nothing there when you actually do meet up. A few emails is enough imo, after that go for the meet, if they aren't asking after a week then I'm looking elsewhere...weeding out timewasters is my mission!

Can you get out for coffee with someone while the kids are at school / nursery? I know schedules have to match and that can be a feat in itself, it really is hard work....I wouldn't give up just yet though, you never know what's around the corner.

lucsnowe · 15/01/2014 00:02

Tiger bear, thanks for the tip about the dating thread on here, yes I will look at it when I'm back into it all. I was on eharmony. I don't really have a lot to compare it to, but I was often matched with men with whom I had nothing in common. Is soulmates organised by The Guardian? I hope your new date proves successful! Hansel and gret, thank you for your encouragement! Yes your approach to emailing sounds sensible. My difficulty with meets is that I am always at work when kids at school\nursery, but occasionally I have some time off. I will get back into it! It is the only way! Just feel v fed-up the moment.

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tigerbear · 15/01/2014 00:10

Yes, Soulmates is run by The Guardian.

Give yourself some time to get over it, as although some might say it's best to jump straight back in, I think going into it if you're feeling low and down might not be the best option. Everyone tells me a thick skin is needed for this online lark, and I'm inclined to agree. I met people for dates when I was feeling way too vulnerable and low on self confidence, and it did me no good.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 15/01/2014 09:30

As far as the lack of time goes, your kids won't be this young forever. Besides, any man who won't work around your schedule with them isn't worth your time Smile

lucsnowe · 15/01/2014 22:42

Thank you, dontgiveawaythehomeworld. You are right. I sense he was irritated that I had so little time to meet him, but yes, I also felt that suggested he was rather self-centred and unempathetic. If he couldn't accept my devotion to my children, we would have been incompatible. I also feel that I should just enjoy this precious time when my kids are so young. Yet another part of me craves the adult intimacy....
Tiger bear, you are right that I need to grow a thick skin! Thank you, again.

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