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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me forget!!!!

23 replies

babywhiting · 27/07/2006 19:30

Hi Im 29 just got divorced have 2 kids from previous marriage.met my now dp on the net and fell pregnant on our first night together however a year later we are still together but only due to the fact we have a son that is a month old and we do love each other.
all through our relationship he has messed up
1.he was sending and receiving dirty texts to 2 girls from web he had met.
2.texting an old gf and she was arranging to meet him
3.he was watching and stillactively looking for women on adult friend finder site.
please help i cant trust him what would you think and do in this situation?
he says he is sorry but has changed his email address although ive since found out he still checks it.
then last week he had an email from a so called friend and was texting her back and said he had only sent 4 but i checked his phone and found 15.
please help i love him and he says he loves me !!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
babywhiting · 27/07/2006 19:35

please be honest!!!!

OP posts:
Expectantmum · 27/07/2006 19:42

Babywhiting my ex-H spent about 12 hours a day on the internet, he always swore it was totally innocent, until I logged into his account one day and found he was making arrangements to meet with several different women, along with various email confirmations from various hotels he had booked into with them. I pretty much found the same sort of texts on his mobile. He denied it, even when I presented him with the evidence, he denied it. I left him pretty soon after that and haven't looked back since. Must admit, there were no children involved, but was still a difficult decision to make as I adored the guy.

gothicmama · 27/07/2006 19:45

depernds on the type of relationship you both want I would n't find it acceptable and would say if he doesn't do something positive about it it ends. Also the lies have probable caysed more pain and have removed any trust even with love withour trust most relationships can't survive sorry if it sound s harsh bur I think it is honest

MarsLady · 27/07/2006 19:48

Honest? Fair enough. The man is a tosspot. He's having his cake and eating it. If he loved you he wouldn't be doing this.

Sorry, but everything you've said points to a man that is selfish and untrustworthy.

WigWamBam · 27/07/2006 19:49

Agree with Marslady. This guy isn't exactly committed to you, is he.

NotQuiteCockney · 27/07/2006 19:51

I wouldn't trust this man any further than I could throw him.

Original poster
babywhiting · 27/07/2006 19:53

its harder with the fact he has taken both of my children as his own they love him to bits and call him daddy.
he has told me thats it but wont show me his contents of his laptop.
he says he wants to marry me but we have to get to know each other and we will do it when we are ready!!! this all happened whilst i was pregnant with our son!!!!!and i was in and out of hospital all the time!!!
ive moved away from everyone to live with him and now i feel like i cant trust him whoever he talks to and find myself checking his phone!!!

OP posts:
gothicmama · 27/07/2006 19:55

yes that makes it harder but it doesn't mean he can treat you like this

Original poster
babywhiting · 27/07/2006 19:58

another thing i find strange is that he has a lady friend he talks to occasionally (long time been friends) she has a boyfriend !!!! but i have yet to meet her always something happens that we dont meet!!!!

OP posts:
glassofwine · 27/07/2006 20:14

All the texting, dating web sites etc isn't just odd it's totally unacceptable. Sounds like he's got you questioning that - trust me people in committed relationships do not do that.

I got pg after 9 months of knowing my now DH and it was scary at first, but allthough we were still getting to know each other, there is no way either of us would have behaved like this.

As for having an old female friend - that's very possibly genuine.

I wouldn't trust him at all and for your own dignity I would leave him or at least stop living together. If you are meant to be together then he'll stop mucking about and show you so that you know without a doubt.

shebnem · 27/07/2006 20:39

hi babywhiting,
in my opinion, give him one last chance for the sake of the children.
if it doesn't work i agree that you better stop this relationship. because otherwise, you will get hurt emotionally a lot, and the children will suffer from that, too.

Piffle · 27/07/2006 20:41

Personally I'd leave but I appreciate with 3 kids and a newborn its nigh on impossible.
ASk him to ditch the internet
I know a man like this, identical, loved getting women pregnant ans well
His initials were DS and he would be 35 now over 6ft large man
Not him by any chance?

Original poster
babywhiting · 27/07/2006 20:56

Hi piffle no im probably glad to say his initials are not DS. i just dont understand why he done it .this is the toughest time ever and all i want to do is scream!!!!

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 28/07/2006 00:05

If your sure you want honest then you alreay know what you think and you just need the reasurance from others.

he does not love you. he may well care for you but its not love, you do not do the things heh as done...in my opinion cheat...to someone you love.

i completly understand that you would be reluctant to leave because of the children but do you tyihk its good for them to grow up with a man who treats their mum with such little respect.

t5ell him that his behaviour is disgusting and he either stops or you leave. tell him to cancel the net connection if you have to (you can Mn froma library if necessary lol) but you need to feel secure in a rlationship and you obviously aren't

Original poster
babywhiting · 28/07/2006 22:47

today he has told me he is changing his mobile number so noone knows it except family and work....i know he is trying but why do i still feel so down and with having my ds 6 weeks ago iam completely shattered!!!! why does this happen to me?

OP posts:
Original poster
babywhiting · 30/07/2006 20:08

sorry to bump this up but how can i learn to trust again and stop my self from thinking about what has happened!!!

OP posts:
Toothache · 30/07/2006 20:21

Babywhiting - You can't LEARN to trust a man who is clearly still completely untrustworthy.

All you can do is turn on the blinkers even more than you have, or leave.

Original poster
babywhiting · 30/07/2006 20:28

Thanks toothache i guess i'm just clutching at straws. me and dp are going to have a heart to heart and see what happens!!!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 30/07/2006 20:31

It's not up to you to learn to trust again - you haven't done anything wrong. It's up to him to earn your trust and respect again, and it doesn't sound to me from your OP that he's willing to do that.

Toothache · 30/07/2006 20:34

I'm going to be blunt again.... But what the F* is heart to heart going to accomplish? He'll say the same things, you'll believe it at the time then carry on checking his phone.

Your trust could take years to build up. You've been together such a short time, you should look at this as a snapshot of the rest of your life....

....then run a mile! Believe me!

Original poster
babywhiting · 30/07/2006 20:45

i have one big problem i have no money as had to use it for moving house. ex-h does not pay maintenance for my eldest 2. all my savings are wrapped in solicitors bills!!! im in an area i dont know and i have no family or friends here!! how do i leave now??? yes i do love him but i hate myself for not finding out earlier what he was like.

OP posts:
Toothache · 30/07/2006 20:55

My friend is in a similar situation to you. She threw him out last week. There is ALWAYS a better option than staying with a man like that.

Original poster
babywhiting · 30/07/2006 20:58

its just me i think my ex h left me for another woman too.then he came back and i left him for my dp so i guess i deserve it!!!!

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