So, so sad, can't stop crying, am l just being a selfish b****?

[mrshappy101]

I feel so utterly selfish and awful for writing this post, but l am so gutted and don't know where to turn.

My husband and are both in our forties and have a 6 year old son. I utterly adore him and he has been our life since he arrived. Anyway, my husband and l talked about having another one when our son was 4 years old and he came on board and we started trying. He asked if l could change some things that l did such as be more tidy!! And that we could be closer. My son has a medical condition which is treatable and would required him to have an operation, after which the medical condition would rectify itself. He did tell me that he was worried that another child could have the same condition. And 50% of my eggs have it and 50% don't, but as l say it is treatable. We did drift once our son was born, but always had an underlining strong love for each other.

10 months after he had come on board for trying, he changed his mind. He did a full U turn. He was due to go into hospital and have an operation and wrote me a letter to say he didn't want any more because of the reasons above, his age and the fact he wanted to travel and have a life. Although l was beyond despair, after l few months l accepted it and respected that those were his feelings. l put my head in the place that we all needed to move on.

Anyway 1 year forward and l fell pregnant. It was completely out of the blue and to this day l still cannot really fathom it as we were using contraception. Long, long story short, to say he was angry was an understatement. He told me if l didn't have an abortion that he would divorce me. I went to see my Dr, amazing, amazing women who told me that lots of men have red mist with an unplanned pregnancy and that to give him time. Anyway l did just that and sure enough, we had a huge talk and he told me that he was beyond sorry, that he loved me and our son and was going no where and that he had done a lot of sole searching and although it was not how he had envisioned his life he was with me all the way. Two nights after he came on board again l miscarried, we had lost the baby at 8 weeks.

Although he was more than supportive and oddly enough broke his heart when l told him we had lost our little one, when l asked 'why' as l thought he would have been relieved he said to me that he had got his head round it, beginning to wonder if it was a boy or a girl. Since then we have had the conversation about another child and he is 100% that he dose not want another one stating all the reasons as above. I am truly, truly heart broken to the point where l feel so utterly resentful towards him and then feel awful that l feel like that and try to make it better, but l feel like l am living a lie every day, pretending that it is all okay, when it so badly isn't. l wish l could rip my heart and ovaries out with my own bare hands just to stop this pain. I feel so utterly selfish and almost abnormal for wanting another one. Am l mad and selfish to want another child so badly?

He keeps telling me we need to talk about it and keep asking me to tell him why l want another one, but l get so upset and confused as l think if his mind is so made up, why is he asking me? l cant give him a valid reason and just start crying.

Please help me to just respect his wishes and say goodbye to my dreams.

I can't get past the fact that he said he would divorce you if you didn't abort your child. For that alone I couldn't stay with him.

It is normal to long for a child and with a caring and supportive partner you can get past it. But his is a nasty shit who wished your child dead and got his wish.

Don't let your dream go, let him go.

MrsHappy. I'm very sorry for your loss. You do know that your husband's initial histrionics and call for abortion had nothing to do with the loss of your baby though. Your GP, who you acknowledge is brilliant, told you about the way some men behave or act at the start and whilst it's not reasonable, it's common enough to be cited.

You and your husband made peace with each other and now you want another child. He doesn't. I think he's terrified for the previous reasons and raw from the miscarriage. He probably feels significant guilt over that too and maybe that's affecting his judgement.

If it were me, MrsHappy, I'd sit with him and tell him that you're grieving, you accept that he is too and that you want to revisit the conversation in a few months when you've had time to come to terms with your loss. Then you can decide what you do as a couple, or where you go from here if you choose to do it alone.

I completely disagree with CailinDana. It's very easy to say this when you're not in that situation. Your comments are horrible btw.

Some posters just parrot 'LTB, LTB' as a stock response and it's neither helpful nor supportive.

OP I am sorry for your loss and the difficult time you are having.

I think what strikes me most about your post is that you and your DH need to communicate a little more effectively. You say you "get upset and confused" when you try to explain why you so desperately want another child. Maybe this is impossible to put into words - you just have this very strong desire for another child? It might be just as "simple" as that but you struggle to communicate this.

My advice would go back to your GP and discuss with them what is going on. I would see if they could refer you for (ideally) couple's counselling to allow you and your DH the opportunity to speak freely and safely about what must be an incredibly painful and difficult situation.

I think he is suggesting that you talk, not that you are to try and talk him into it. You do need to talk and make an effort with each other. It sounds like his U turn was prompted by his going into hospital and all the fears that your child's condition triggered, that he wrote a letter does indicate he wants to reach out and communicate but isn't sure how. He expressed himself in a clumsy way, the divorce comment sounds like panic and "I can't cope," to me more than a threat, but, of course, I wasn't there, but do you think it was a measured deliberate comment?

Can you not try to express how upset you are without apportioning blame, emphasise that you are not trying to argue over the issue just want some support for what you are going through. Of course you are not selfish for wanting a child but you may regret not cherishing what you have and focusing on it so completely.

That's heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss.

The problem is that you have this almost insatiable desire for a baby, regardless of all the 'complications' he sees. He thinks no, he just doesn't feel that way. He doesn't have the enormous hormonal, maternal urges and you do. FWIW, many women feel like this as their fertile years start to dramatically reduce. I say dramatically because actually it might not ever happen anyway. In your forties your body can start firing off quite unexpectedly (your unplanned pregnancy despite protection). Also, you and definitely he, will be aware of the increased risks of abnormalities and also of twins.

If you can, forgive him for the previous episode. What a wise GP. To move fowards together you need to approach the decision knowing that one of you will be disappointed. Leaving him isn't going to solve the issue (feeling certain you are going to get quite a few LTBs).

Would you both consider counselling? It might take some of the heat out of the situation and let you discuss this safely.

My own DH vetoed a third child. I was heartbroken, too but I did get over it. Loving the child you have is ultimately a better way of living than forever mourning children you have not have. Saying that now I didn't feel that way at the time. I wouldn't even have considered leaving over it.

If, though, he stands firm, grief counselling might be very, very helpful. It isn't you fault you disagree on this so important decision. It isn't his fault either.

Best wishes.

Sorry, should add that despite increased risks lots of beautiful healthy babies are born to women in their forties. And some parents, of course can and do deal brilliantly with babies with disabilities.

Thank you all for your posts. There are days when l seem to deal with it all a little better but days like today l feel the overwhelming grief of the whole situation, and of course l am still mourning the loss of our little one.

CailinDana, l do not think he is a nasty shit in any way or form. He is a fantastic father to our son and he works in a job where he risks his life everyday for us to have a home and a life together and has never been anything but there for our family. I truly think he was shocked and terrified where as l was shocked and scared, a different level of fear all together.

Matildathecat, we are seeing a counsellor next week as l cannot see how we can go forward without it. I like yourself l would not consider leaving. It's not my sons fault that l feel this way and to have his whole family torn apart because of me would be terrible.

I just feel abnormal for having this overwhelming feeling, to want a child and expand our family so badly. Every day l wake up and it's my first thought and l stand there making my tea saying to myself, don't think about it, don't think about it, concentrate on the positives and then l crumble later in the day. I feel that l am going of my head with it sometimes and as l said it's like l feel l am living a lie trying to put on my happy face, when at moment l feel anything but happy, yet l feel so selfish and awful as some people don't even get to have one, so how have l got the right to feel like this?

There are some really odd bits of behaviour in your post, quite apart from the "have an abortion or I'll divorce you" which I'm surprised some posters are minimising. It's understandable to be in shock and even angry, but it's NOT normal to issue threats to someone you're meant to love, especially threats that affect that person's body.

He told you to be tidier and then you would be closer?

He wrote you a letter when he was going into hospital?

He sounds like a very cold, strange man.