sympathetic cheap family lawyers?

[anonymous13]

Help. My h and I are at utter breaking point. Does anybody know of any family lawyers that don't cost the earth so that I can get some advice. Lawyers that specialise in difficult men. My H is ostracising me for the umpteenth time and I have to consider us separating. His behaviour shows that he will not make it easy. It's getting to the point that I can no longer function properly. Thank You.

Sorry, should have said that I live in North West London.

Solicitors aren't cheap full stop, I'm afraid, and I don't think you can look up in a Yellow Pages for one that specialises in "difficult men" and generally, they will be efficient rather than sympathetic (they aren't paid to be sympathetic - in many ways they are paid to be the opposite to ensure you aren't taken for a ride).

I would suggest going and seeing Citizens Advice Bureau if you have one to see if they can give you a bit of free advice or potentially put you in the right direction.

And there aren't many chains of solicitors. I could recommend a solicitor in, say, Gloucester, but that's no use to you if you are in Leeds. You need someone local. Some solicitors will do a free initial consultation for half an hour to tell you your options and advise what could be done and what it might cost.

If you qualify for public funding you may not have to pay much (or anything). Have a look at the Legal Service's commission website for the eligibility calculator.

Public Funding work is generally done by relatively newly qualified lawyers, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, they tend to be all bright eyed and enthusiastic (retired after 25 loooong years divorce lawyer talking here).

If you have to pay for your fees, expect a minimum of about £200 per hour plus VAT. You can keep this down to a minimum by:

1. Being very organised in terms of your paperwork, so they don't have to traipse through lots of irrelevant stuff to find the important bank statements etc.

1. Don't treat your lawyer as a therapist. He or she genuinely doesn't give a fig about the reasons for the breakdown. They should spend their time ie your money looking at the arithmetic, the basic info (eg children's ages, any disability, significant capital contributions, respective incomes and potential incomes, pension entitlements, savings, shares, etc etc. If you want a little moan about how horrible your husband is, take your friend out for a drink. It isn't going to cost you £600.

Sorry I know that is blunt, but it's what you need to know.

Thank you. It's not that I want a sounding board but rather that I would need someone who has some understanding of emotional abuse. I have no idea what tactics my h may use against me if I set the separation ball rolling and I am scared!
Will contact the CAB first and then go on from there.
If anybody has any suggestions, they are gratefully received. I have permanent butterflies in my stomach and don't know what to do. Meanwhile h is carrying on as if I don't exist. Literally.

Every divorce lawyer with more than a year or so's experience has had many many clients whose clients have been "emotionally abusive". We just don't generally use the label, as it isn't particularly relevant; you don't like your husband's behaviour for whatever reason, that's fine, you can have a divorce.

Unreasonable Behaviour is a totally subjective test. I've got divorces on those grounds for everything from life-threatening physical assaults to being a bit immature and not helping with the housework.

Your solicitor will advise you not to have any contact with your ex if you don't want it. If you need to make arrangements for contact that can be done via the soliciors. Part of the solicitor's job is to take away that burden of contact with your ex if it upsets you.

I'd suggest that you do the following:

1. Do the eligibility calculator I linked to earlier.
2. Go the the resolution.org.uk website to find a family specialist.
3. Make an appointment to see someone. Who you chose depends on the outcome of no.1 above.
4. Try to find someone who offers a free half hour. If you don't like that particular person try another one.

It's important that you get on with your lawyer and feel confident that they know what they're doing.

I did a search under family lawyers in my area and emailed all of them asking if they offered a free 30 minute consultation and how much subsequent fees would be, they all got back to me.

I saw 2 solicitors and the second one I just clicked with. She is sympathetic, but can be a Rottweiler should I need her to be. I cancelled all my other free consultations because I was happy with her. I saw her for an hour as she said she wasn't going to kick me out once the 30 minutes was up and wanted me to be able to ask all my questions.

Like mumble says, get your paperwork in order before the consultation. I created spreadsheets with mine and my H's incomings and outgoings and handed it to her to save time with me going through it and eating up my time.

I'm afraid you get what you pay for. My solicitor is kind of middle in the expense bracket but I wouldn't go with anyone else and I hope it will be worth it once a settlement has been agreed.

Good luck.

Also, ask if they can do it for a fixed fee, that way you know how much your paying.

I'd suggest you contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. They understand about emotional abuse & can point you in the direction of a solicitor that has experience in that field. 'Cheap' is not usually in the lawyer lexicon but if there is evidence of DV (and that can include emotional abuse) then Legal Aid is potentially available.

Thank you for all the advice. Will try to stop feeling so terrible and start doing some research.

If you're researching online, can you do it through private browsing so your H doesn't know what you're looking at?

If not then make sure you delete your history and cookies.

I second the advise to speak to women's aid first of all.

I visited my local branch and had an appointment with a solicitor the next day. She has been fantastic, sympathetic but very blunt and to the point.

The women's aid refuge "used" her firm for all domestic abuse cases locally so I knew she would understand my concerns.

Good luck and stay strong, it may get worse before it gets better but believe me it will get better and will be worth the stress

mumble, off topic, apologies to the OP, but I think abuse is relevant, given the increase of collaborative law, this assumes a level playing field and a level of respect, and it not geared for the dynamic of control present in abusive relationships.

I wish it was as simple of you wish a divorce, get one; unless you wish to go straight to court, you might have to deal with traumatic abuse of a process, an ex who does not respnd to letters, thereby driving costs up, use of the children to undermine your attempts to cut contact etc. I am not in England, so maybe it is different there, but in my experience, if someone is abusive and doesn't respect you, he won't respect your legal efforts either.

Oh yes, I'm not saying it's not relevant. Unfortunately it is so common, though, as not to make any real difference to an experienced lawyer who will have seen every tactic in the book before and know how to handle abusive exes.

Often the best thing I could do for the client was to tell her to have no contact with the ex whatsoever and I would be the go between on absolutely everything, to take the flak from the ex and protect the client.

I retired from family law after 25 years and so sadly saw it all in that time.

Mumblechum, in your experience, if I were to move out into rented accommodation with my dc (in that time they sound also see their Dad, I don't mean I would abduct them) while a separation was being sorted out, would I lose any claim on the home (which belongs to h)?

Just feel that I can no longer function in this environment. Equally terrified of leaving the home.

Yes, that requires the client being able to pay for you to do that, though; plus, if you have small children and have to do handovers, that is time they mess with your head, till you get the ignore/do not engage strategies in place. And they will still use the kids. And ignore your solicitor and their own solicitor, for that matter.

Anyway, not intending to hijack the thread. Thank you for your reply.

Sorry, my reply was to mumble, I had the browser open for a while and did not see that the OP had posted again. Apologies for hi-jack, and best wishes to OP.

Clouddancer, have you been in this position? I hope things are OK now. What strategies did you use (if you don't mind my asking).

anonymous, if the situation is really bad you may be entitled to an injunction or restraining order. In severe cases the abuser can be ordered to leave the house and not return. This is usually for 6 or 12 months to give you the chance to sort out the divorce and let the dust settle between you.

I always advised against leaving the property if you can possibly avoid it.

Thank you. The situation is psychologically very very difficult but not more than this.
Think he is waiting to see who cracks first and given his history it won't be him.