Getting back together after separation...does it ever work?

[CallMeShirley]

I am separated from my DP for the past five months. We had a great relationship but in a moment of madness I told him to go and he did. I was really shocked that he did, but was then too proud to go and talk to him (even though the argument was my fault) and I literally moved my stuff out of our house within a week and was gone.

We didn't talk for a month, but then he came to meet me and we realised we'd made a mistake and acted in a moment of stress when life got on top of us.

We always had a fantastic relationship, but the extenuating circumstances at the time meant life was really tough on us and it led to a one-off explosive argument and we'd never really had one like that before.

We have done a lot of talking and realised there was nothing actually wrong in our relationship. We had great communication, great sex, great friendship, made each other laugh, loved being together and wanted all the same things. We have identified that all the feelings of anger, frustration and loss of satisfaction in life were to do with outside circumstances rather than each other.

Needless to say, we have both moved to separate houses two hours away. There are kids involved. All our friends and family went through considerable anguish over the situation and we now feel like although we really want to be back together we have gone too far down the road and have no idea how to go back. Aside from anything else we now life two hours apart and both have homes and jobs!

We really have made a mess of things. I was wondering if anyone thinks that getting back together after separation is a good or bad idea.

One the one hand, I am worried things will never be the same, but on the other hand I feel in a sense we are stronger and wiser. I am very worried that I feel some resentment at him for "letting me go" because at the time he did say he didn't want to continue the relationship and I get constant flashes in my mind of him saying this. He says he was speaking in anger but I am not sure I will be able to get it out of my head.

If the separation really was a moment of madness rather than symptomatic of deeper problems in the relationship and, if a few months apart have given everyone chance to think, reassess and you both genuinely want the same thing, then I don't see why it wouldn't work out. There are some practical difficulties in the way and I would certainly urge that you proceed with caution. Perhaps this is the time to look at couples counselling and make sure, if you do get back together, it's for the right reasons.

Yes. I think sometimes separations can bring you back better and stronger.

Sorry but I think you might find yourself back there again, I doubt you actually split up over a moment of madness, you actually went through the whole process of splitting - that doesn't signify to me a strong couple who are able to stick together through thick and thin but I could be wrong.

I'd be very careful and take it very slowly, you perhaps are not being totally honest with yourself if it got as far as it did, why did neither of you fight for each for instance?

Doesn't sound like a fantastic relationship - all of us go through horrendous circumstances, your commitment to each other should be able to over ride all that, yours didn't, and perhaps it didn't for a very good reason. If you want to try again then you should but just date, don't go moving back in together until you are 100% sure.

My dh and I split very early on in our relationship, due to his commitment issues. We split for about a year, although still spending time with each other and sometimes sleeping with each other. It was a bit of a weird limbo. Me seeing someone else casually was the catalyst for him and we got back together and have been together ever since (9 years on). We did kind of lose something though, not due to the split, but because in the split period I was more into him, and he kind of took advantage of that. I had just about had enough and was about to break away for good when he changed his mind. Looking back he was really immature back then and didn't know what he was doing either. The split helped us learn to communicate, and those skills have since got us through some pretty dire times. I think couple counselling would have helped too but we didn't do it as it seemed silly so early in a relationship.

We did discover (after splitting) that we were not communicating 100% honestly on some things but we are now. We both brought baggage from our divorces into the relationship that we hadn't fully dealt with and we realised the legacy of that was impacting into each other.

I really do love him - maybe more than before even - but as you say also feel like something is lost. He was pretty quick to let me leave...all the way through I was expecting him to stop me and it was all sort of a misunderstanding.

I know it sounds childish but neither of us were very experienced at healthy arguing or communication.