Getting over exh

[Sasquatch75]

It's so hard!! I'm in a much better place than I was when he left 5 months ago, but it's still so hard... I'm sure if he hadn't left to be with the ow then I'd be dealing with it better.

I know he's not coming back, although it doesn't help when he emails/texts me with things like he wishes I'd talk to him. I've been NC with him for a couple of months now, apart from things to do with the DCs of course. Yday he sent me a video of our DCs at a kids party as he thought I'd like to see! I didn't reply. I don't know if he's still feeling really guilty about leaving and trying to build a relationship with me, but that is soooo not happening. Can't bear the sight of him. He even got pissed off that he heard about my dad's death (last month) through our DCs. Our DCs never really met my dad so aren't upset by his death btw. Exh didn't know him either so I don't know why he was pissed off!

Anyway, I've gone off the subject... I'm thinking of joining an OD site in the summer. Is this a good idea or a car crash?!

I haven't been in this situation but have often read you are more likely to move on and be ready to contemplate dating once you have achieved a state of indifference towards ex. I don't know how long you were married for but am guessing he didn't cover himself in glory with any kind of sensitive ending.

Well done putting DCs first, you and he seem to have established some access arrangements that work. Until you can see him and not want to punch him, (metaphorically speaking), best to stay nc. No outsider is better placed than you to know when that will be.

Bereavement following your marriage breakdown is harsh, I hope you have had some outlet for what you feel. I don't see how ex can feel he is entitled to push you to any point you're not ready to handle so aside from any practical matters concerning the DCs, he can jog on.

Carry on with the NC, tighten it up (written comms only), and resist all attempts from him to be your buddy. He's not your friend, he's an ex. If he wants to whine about feeling guilty he can do it on his own time. Fill the companionship gap left in your life with sociable stuff so that you make new friends, real friends, stay busy etc. Personally, I think people need friends more than they need lovers at this stage and I also think you need to properly appreciate the benefits of being independent of men all together before you entertain recruiting a new one. Value what you have and feel happy in your skin, and you're less likely to settle for some carbon copy of the last chump.

Each relationship is unique so applying a rule of thumb to timing is tricky.

From my experience, having only tried OD for the first time a couple of years ago, you need to approach it in the same way you'd do when walking through town after closing time. i.e. mildly on the defensive. Most people seem fine but you can never tell who they are or what their objective is.

I went on a couple of dates through OD and realised it may not be for me as I'd built an impression over the previous few weeks with lots of emailing. However nice they were when we met up I almost had to start afresh upon meeting them. Have tried speed dating which no longer has the 'weirdo' undertones it once did. For me, at least, this was better and you knew very soon if you 'click'. Through this I've been dating someone for about a year and I'm smiling a lot.

Good luck