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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

XH wants to take ds on holiday - AIBU?

6 replies

AllInOne · 14/01/2014 11:29

Have namechanged for this. It's really an AIBU but I'd prefer not to get jumped on Grin

Bit of backstory. Will try and keep it simple! Xh and I have been divorced for several years. We have tried to maintain a functional, civil relationship for the sake of ds and generally we have managed. Ds is now 10.

However, xh has always (long before our marriage) had issues with drink and (to a lesser extent) drugs. It was part of what broke up our marriage. Last summer, after the break-up of a long-term relationship, he went off the rails and ended up in rehab. He has, apparently, been attending AA since. He lost his home and has in the last 12 months lived at several different addresses. It has been a very difficult and unsettling year for all of us, ds especially. Xh has lied a lot and been very erratic and unreliable. It's hard to trust him.

Over Christmas, xh went home (overseas) to visit family. He came back a few days ago and immediately said that he wanted to take ds back with him for a holiday at Easter.

Whilst he was away, he posted photos on the dreaded FB of him in bars, what he was drinking (def not non-alcoholic!), 'lovely' barmaids etc! ie. he is clearly drinking again. (He also posted pics of him out shooting with his family, including a 13-year-old cousin of ds's. He says he would not want that for ds but I'm not sure I believe him. The thought of ds anywhere near guns scares the living daylights out of me!)

Ds has visited his family overseas once, but that was when xh was in a stable relationship with a girl that was very 'sensible' and caring for ds, and so I felt quite secure that ds was in good hands. I want ds to have a relationship with that side of his family but don't feel that I can trust xh at the moment to take ds to the other side of the world.

AIBU about this? I would be happy to reconsider next year but just feel that it's all too soon. My trust in him, and his sense of responsibility, is simply not there yet, imo. Or am I just being controlling?

OP posts:
onetiredmummy · 14/01/2014 11:39

No he should not take them.

I really don't want to scaremonger but are there any concerns on your part that he may not bring them back?

(I had almost the same quandry 2 years ago but when I told exH it was up to him to organise & pay for the childrens' passports the whole thing fizzled out as all his money goes on drink & he wouldn't waste it on passports.)

But no. he is not a responsible adult.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/01/2014 11:43

This is one of those situations where the DNA they share is purely coincidental. I don't think I'd trust the man you describe to take a dog safely to Brighton and back.. never mind a young lad out of the country

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2014 11:47

No he should not take your son on holiday. Your ex, quite apart from lying through his teeth on numerous occasions, continues to have issues with alcohol dependency and has lived at several addresses this past year. All these are good enough reasons for you to say no and repeat no ad nauseum to him.

Do you think your ex is or has actually attended any AA meetings?.

wellthatsdoneit · 14/01/2014 13:28

I don't think you're being unreasonable. In these circumstances I would also say no.

Problem is, is if he has parental responsibility, you also need his permission to take ds abroad for a holiday. If he plays tit for tat you'll need to apply for a court order to take your son on a foreign holiday, but, all other things being equal, there's no reason why you shouldn't get it. If your ex applies for one, I should think you have very good grounds to oppose it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 14/01/2014 13:55

He doesn't sound like someone who can be trusted to take a child abroad.

Offred · 14/01/2014 14:10

Yes, I'd also say no in these circumstances.

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