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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH at the police station

18 replies

delicatematter · 27/07/2006 15:57

doing a video interview about the sexual abuse he suffered as a child from his uncle.
Police have prewarned him that they will ask a lot of personal questions and that he will probably get upset.

Next step is for the police to go and tell the uncle DH,s claims against him.

FIL phoned last night, was very chatty and asked DH how he was etc, we havent heard off him for over 2 weeks, he never visits and DH is not going to visit him anymore.

DH didnt tell FIL about the video interview as FIL would try to talk him out of it, as far as FIL knows it is all over and he is still visiting and socialising with the uncle.

DH is expecting repercussions when the police have visited the uncle and thinks that FIL will be angry with him for doing this but he says he,s not bothered.

DH has been having counselling for the past 3 weeks and feels stronger, the counsellor is very good and has told DH to forget about FIL,s feelings as he is not the one that has been abused and to concentrate on himself and his own family.
DH feels anger towards FIL now that he is treating this as not a problem and feels that FIL has taken uncles side.

None of DH family has been in touch and its as if they have cast him out over this.
I feel so so on his behalf.

This is having an effect on our relationship as DH doesnt want to be intimate atm and although i understand totally im feeling very sad.

OP posts:

cremolafoam · 27/07/2006 16:00

oh Dm. i wish you all the best. you must be so proud of your dh. what a huge step for you both.
not surprised you feel angry and sad.

flutterbee · 27/07/2006 16:04

Well I think your DH deserves a medal he is being very brave and doing totally the right thing.

I understand it must be difficult for you now but in the long run it will do nothing but strengthen and improve your relationship. Just stick with it, he is lucky to have such a supportive wife.

Good luck to both of you.

zephyrcat · 27/07/2006 16:20

Hiya just wanted to say that your DH is brill for doing what he is doing, as hard as it must be for him to drag it all up. As you say, it's really hard for you too but when this is all over I'm sure he will appreciate so much that you were there for him and understood what he needed.

My Mum's next door neighbour went through a similar thing a few years ago. She actually still lived with her father and her uncle and she decided to tell the police that her uncle had abused her (going back around 15 years or so). Her going forward also prompted another family member to step forward as he had also done it to her and he was sent to prison.

fairyjay · 27/07/2006 16:26

DM
Your dh is so lucky to have you supporting him - but it's tough for you both. You'll work thru' it, but don't expect too much of yourself.

LieselVonTrapp · 27/07/2006 16:38

You are both so brave and I really admire Dh for doing this. You just dont know how many other people this uncle has hurt over the years.

CheesyFeet · 27/07/2006 16:44

Well done to your dh for doing this difficult thing. Sounds like he has a lovely supportive wife too. Good luck to you, I really hope that taking this step helps your dh to find some peace.

LaDiDaDi · 27/07/2006 22:34

It's so good that your dh is doing this and it's fantastic that you are being so supportive of him but is there anyone in RL that you can talk to about your feelings so that you can continue to offer dh your support at what is going to be a dificult time.

FN · 28/07/2006 17:20

all the very best delicate I can see it must be so hard for your DH to a, come to terms and b, make the decision to do something about it but he is doing the right thing in the long run. Just be supporting and patient as you have been you are being a wonderful wife and the intimacy will come again in time when he is more settled. Also good to see that he has had some counselling to prepare him for getting through this and coping with the future.

Take care

Nemo1977 · 28/07/2006 17:33

congrates to your dh about going to the police about the abuse..it is something I have yet to get the balls to do and doubt I will do. It is horrendous when you have disclosed to family and they continue to interact wiht your abuser it is beyond rejection that is indescribable..he has my thoughts and sympathies as have been and still am in similiar position.

doobydoo · 28/07/2006 17:46

Phew delicatematter you must feel you are treading on eggshells at the moment.I think it is extremely brave of your husband to pursue this.I do think its extremely hard[harder]for men to put themselves out there like that,we hear[for instance]very little of male rape victims.
Lots of men find it hard to even go to the doctor for a check up.I hope people don't think i am generalising too much.
I am sending you all positive thoughts as for your FIL whilst i am sure he has things to deal with he will have to get on with it.You need your energy for yourself and supporting your dh.

doobydoo · 28/07/2006 17:48

Sorry Nemo1977that must be feckin awful

Original poster

delicatematter · 29/07/2006 13:56

He didnt go.
He said he couldnt find the place but i think he got last minute nerves, i said would you prefer it if i came with you and he said yes.
So, we have made another appointment for next Weds and i am going with him.

He is very depressed and is like a distant person, i know its hard but he is not helping with the kids and is leaving everything to me and im starting to feel run down.

He texted me from work this morning apologising for the way he,s behaving.
I feel so sorry for him but its like he,s given up on us-his family.

OP posts:

cremolafoam · 29/07/2006 14:23

dm so sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and feel like you are doing everything.you must be exhausted. i am sorry dh did not go, but i think it is good that he wants you to go with him.
it is a sign of his trust in you .
i am not surprised he seems distant. he too must be overwhelmed by this. if you can give him some space, not expect too much of him at least until wednesday. it will get easier.once it all comes tumbling out he will feel better
please do come on here and vent or chat and get some support. i just noticed that most of the previous posts were about your dh when you probably just wanted some support for yourself.
will be around over the weekend if you want to talk. thinking of you.

Beauregard · 29/07/2006 14:30

Just seen this and wanted to wish your dh all the best ,he is doing the right thing ,why should his uncle be allowed to get away with it?problems like this should never be brushed under the carpet,your dh has been through and survived an awful experience so shame on his dad for not taking the issue seriously .

quootiepie · 29/07/2006 14:51

Feel very proud of your DH. My ex abused me from age 15 and I have never had the courage to go to the police. (I did go once ,but never went for the interview). His family knew about it, but buried their heads in the sand - I wish id gone against them though now. You DH is 100% doing the right thing, even if he is "disowned" for it. He might even be preventing further abuse.

bin · 29/07/2006 15:02

DM just wanted to say totally agree with everyone before me. There can be NO doubt that your DH is 100% doing the right thing. Hope when all finally out and in court the right and only result that there can be from this comes out (hope that makes sense). But most of all, I wish you and your DH all the very best from now on.

One possibility, about his family is the shock and upset and possibly not being brave enough to approach you both, could be what is making them seem as if the have "cast him out over this". NO excuse, NO EXCUSE, can justify their response, but it is just possible that this is what you have both thought and if it is not I would just want to put that thought to you. In no way should you see their or anyone elses actions/inactions as a reflection on you and your DH. Your DH has 100% done the right thing no matter of anyone elses feelings. I wish you all the best and hope that soon your DH will begin to feel less depressed.

FN · 31/07/2006 09:30

DM is there any counselling you can get to help you through this? Maybe visit your dr and see? You are best to address your feelings and emotions too so that you don't end up too depressed too. x

Evesmama · 31/07/2006 09:36

give him time and 100% support..keep talking not ness about abuse but about how your both doing, normal day to day stuff so he doesnt 'live' in the abuse again, like counseller said disregard fil feelings its your dh that needs help right now..try and filter their calls/speak to them yourself to ask them to back off for the time being and great big huge (manly) hugs to your dh..he wont think it but he's being sooo strong and will one day feel so glad id came out.best of luck

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