trying to move past the shame...

[PaulMcGannsMistress]

I haven't N/C for this, even though it's highly personal, well, because I've got norks of solid rock these days :)

When I was a kid, about 7 years old, a boy in my class forced me to 'kiss' his penis. Some months later, a different boy forced himself on me on a 'playdate' while my dad was knobbing his mother upstairs. From that point on, I had a very skewed view of what boys should expect from girls, and was very promiscuous, right into my early twenties, because I thought that's what was supposed to happen. It's only with hindsight that I can see that's not the way it's supposed to be. But I'm so ashamed of myself and the way I acted and even though I live a very different life now, I can't seem to get past that feeling of shame. Is this normal?

It is normal to respond in the ways you describe. To behave promiscuously and to feel shame but you haven't got anything to be ashamed about. You were socialised as a child to equate sex with abuse and responded the only way you really could.

How are things now?

I think your feelings are normal for someone who has experienced early sexual abuse and not had help to deal with the fallout. You weren't responsible for the early attacks and even the teenager you're describing was probably coping best she could. Did you tell anyone what had happened at the time or did you feel you had to keep quiet? Counselling is often very beneficial for people in your situation. Difficult and challenging but can help you place the past in perspective.

Yes, I've thought counselling might be a good route. It was abuse then? I've never felt sure, like I was in a silly position and a young boy took advantage of it. Mind you I say that, and if the same thing had happened to one of my daughters I'd be all-shades-of-purple angry.

Things are fine now, but I still have this feeling of dread, like the past is going to catch up with me. I'm happily married, no sexual hang ups, I'm treated well. I never told anyone, because I felt I'd done something really, really bad.

Yes, it was abuse.

Of course it was!

I do think counselling of some kind would be very helpful but it might be painful and difficult too.

It is also quite normal for this stuff to be buried until you are in a safe place where you feel capable of dealing with it.

It was abuse, sorry. And, as you've identified, when your first sexual experiences are abusive, I skews subsequent thinking, causes low self-esteem & sets up behaviour patterns that might feel voluntary at the time but which probably had a big element of exploitation.

Offred is right about how it's normal for people to only feel able to examine their past from a place of security. Sometimes simply articulating it & breaking the silence is all you need to do. Getting acknowledgement from others that what happened was wrong and not your fault can bring peace. But if you need professional support it is available.

With reference to feeling the past might catch up with you. I think this is perhaps what you need. You can't be on the run from yourself forever. You probably need to let it catch up with you and start dealing with it. You need support around you though - dh, friends, counselling, MN etc if you feel you can trust any of those avenues to be a safe outlet.

I won't get in trouble? I know that sounds ridiculous with my sensible head on, but I can't get past that feeling that I might be.

Not at all. Counselling is confidential and it doesn't sound as though you want to prosecute anyone from your past, just achieve better understanding and some peace of mind. Do you think your DH would be supportive?

Yes, I'm convinced he would be.

You did nothing wrong.

Why do you worry you'd be in trouble?

If you think dh would be supportive perhaps also think about why you want to tell him and what you are hoping to get from telling him as well? Be a bit selfish about how you approach it.

It might help you to process this by acknowledging that the children who sexually assaulted you had probably been abused themselves. No 7 year old would dream that up on his own without having been exposed to some awful stuff himself.

I'd encourage you to talk this through with an agency specialising in childhood sexual trauma. Talk to your husband too, if you think he'll be supportive.

I'm sorry you had such awful experiences. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
It is also worth bearing in mind that there is nothing inherently wrong with being promiscuous. The idea that the fewer sexual partners you have, the more of a 'good' person you are is misogynistic rubbish.

That's true, SGB, but I really did put it about to any male in the vicinity, without any discernment about whether I actually found them attractive or not.

I don't know why I worry I'd be in trouble - for starting so young I suppose. It's hard to put into words.

Thank you for the reassurance everyone - I'm going to speak to DP about it tonight.

It isn't sleeping with a large number of men that is wrong though (being promiscuous), it is that it was shaped by being abused and it feels wrong and bad not because of the numbers but the circumstances and feelings. Yes, some people still judge people who happily sleep with lots of different partners but it isn't any of their beeswax and I don't think those people would even judge you in the circs.

Cailin's post is absolutely simple and absolutely correct. You haven't done anything wrong. Being abused often results in these feelings though it is a normal reaction although false logic.

Is part of the problem that with the first experience you were both children who were the same age and you are confused about how it therefore could have been abuse?

And are you allowing yourself to self-blame because the next incident happened within a few months and was a different boy also a similar age?

I can see how those things might lead you to the (false) belief that it was somehow you who brought it on yourself and that might have led to this worry about getting in trouble if you speak about it.

It is important you think about these things not in terms of the boys who did them to you but as your personal experiences. These boys, and it undoubtedly was either a coincidence or there was an adult abuser abusing them both, did things to you that you were too young to understand or consent to and those things hurt you and harmed you for many many years afterwards. What caused them to do it, whether they understood it, whether they meant it or anything else is irrelevant to the fact that that was your experience and that those things were abusive things and nothing you did or were caused it to happen to you.

I had similar stuff going on when I was a child, OP, and I completely identify with your feelings. I hid it for years and felt like I was pretending to be normal, when really there was all this horrible decaying stuff underneath - like I was a really, really bad person.

I've been in therapy since 2006 and also had inpatient treatment in the priory for alcohol and drug addiction - it was all connected, obviously. For me, getting free of substance abuse was the first step, but the really hard work was in therapy, and although it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, it has also been the most beneficial. I cannot begin to describe how it's helped. It's like I'm free.

Please PM if you want to talk more. You've taken the first step, it's very brave.

Thanks all - Offred, you raise some really interesting points which I will have a think about.

This-
lead you to the (false) belief that it was somehow you who brought it on yourself and that might have led to this worry about getting in trouble if you speak about it.

seems pertinent.

Daisy - thank you for sharing :) I may well PM you at some point.

I was going to chat to DP this evening, but his brother is unexpectedly coming round, so that's put the dampeners on that until Thursday. Crikey this week feels long all of a sudden.

Feeling very vulnerable all of a sudden, like I've opened Pandora's box and desperately want to put it all back in...

Again, this is also normal. Could you call napac? They'll be able to listen to as much or as little as you want to say and help you.

Only just came back to this thread.. trying to take baby steps. Thanks for the link Offred.

How are you feeling? Have you talked to your dp?

Yes. He was great, said he'd support whatever I decided i wanted to do, and gave me a good, long cuddle. He knows about lots in my past so nothing much was a surprise for him, apart from the abuse itself. Golly that was hard to write.

It will get easier. I'm glad he was so supportive. What do you think you'll do next?