7 year old ds acting out as ex-dh getting married - what to do??

[SingleAndLovingIt]

He's being very rude and ungrateful to the point where I just sent him to bed without a cuddle tonight as I was so angry at his behaviour, but I know he's only acting out because he hates the fact that his dad is remarrying - he was told about two weeks ago - he was the same when his dad moved out - and has started bed-wetting again too when he was dry from the age of 3. I know its cos he's sad and angry yet I can't tolerate his behaviour. I've just been up to check on him and he's asleep cuddling all his cuddly toys and I feel so guilty and my heart goes out to him. He has a 10 year old brother that handled both situations quite differently. How do I best handle him? Thanks :)

can you sit and have a really good chat about it all with him? have school noticed any differences? my youngest DC has gone quite verbal and lashes out since dad left but fine at school. reward chart maybe it something as an incentive? lots of praise for good behaviour.

he is doing it as he knows you're his safety. his stability. tell exdh too I think they need to know what they've done to dcs.

He refuses to talk about it - when told by his dad ds1 said he refused to listen - although he's not that expressive anyway, he's still pretty young. School have not mentioned anything but it's only escalated the last couple of days really. I have emailed his dad. ds1 says ds2 has been fighting with his step-sister, my ex never mentioned this to me but then he generally doesn't, prefers to present a picture that is all perfect! He doesn't seem to care about reward or punishment, nothing seems to really make a difference, the only thing that does is if I get upset and cry or something as he's a sweet kid really, but tonight I was angry rather than upset as had just bought my boys a belated Xmas present of a second hand XBox as things were too tight to get it for Christmas and it really stretched me financially, so his ingratitude and rudeness was extra hard to deal with.

He's a little boy, so talking about "ungratefulness" is really a bit over the top, I think. He doesn't realise the effort you made to buy him a present, and he probably feels that he's being bought off. I really think you should love bomb him and make him feel that he's loved - his world is being very badly shaken, and he is expressing it in the only way he can.

Is there any professional in school or elsewhere who can help you?

It's the step-sister. If I was 7yo and my non-resident Dad was remarrying I'd think he'd chosen to live with this girl rather than me. I'd feel utterly rejected all over again His Dad really needs to make all his kids feel equally special with particular emphasis on the ones he doesn't live with. Are your DSs involved in the ceremony?

Hi distanceCall he's not at all being bought off, it was something the kids had wanted for a while but things were too tight at Christmas, it was purely a coincidence that I got it this week, but I get your point that little kids don't really get gratitude. They know when they are being rude and not doing what they are told though. No support in school. He went through similar behaviour when his dad moved out 2 years ago but it settled down of its own accord after about a month once I insisted we had a routine when they knew they would see their dad.

Cognito he's always resented the step-sister (the fiancee's, not his dad's), but ds1 loves her to bits, different personalities I guess, also ds2 is closer in age and has always had a problem sharing with ds1 - you'd think it would be the other way around? I get your point though that perhaps he sees his dad leaving as a rejection of him rather than a rejection of me, his mum?

They haven't set a date yet let alone started making any arrangements, he only proposed over Christmas.

I'm sure he's not being bought off - I was just mentioning that he might be feeling that way. I agree with Cognito, and I'm sure that his resentment towards his sister underlies this. As Cognito says, he sees this as a rejection of him.

Be patient. This must be a very hard time for him. Perhaps you might talk to his father (if you and him are on good terms) so that he can reassure him and make him feel included?

Agree with the PP as well that a small kid will see the world in very stark terms, has no concept of the ins and outs of adult relationships and has very few emotional tools for dealing with upset. All kids are 'ungrateful' because they take what we do for them for granted. Not their fault. He needs more cuddles if anything, more reassurances, more attention... especially when he's being objectionable. On some level he will have been hoping Dad will come back home and the announcement of marriage makes that possibility a non-starter.

Thanks, I had a word with the school this morning letting them know of the situation in case they see any changes in behaviour at school. I couldn't wait for him to wake up this morning, scooped him up out of bed and we had a big cuddle. I'll pass on same advice to their dad although how he deals with it is his decision.

PS thanks so much for your advice - always good to get a second (and third and...) opinion...I want to bring my boys up to be polite kind kids but also need to bear in mind all this other stuff they are dealing with - so thank you :)

I agree with lovebomb and cogito.
I was the same - my dad got married for the 3rd time when I was 10 (and his 2nd time when I was 6 but I was too young to really react at 6) In spite of having lived with my step-mum and step-sisters for a couple of years before then, it was still a shock and I reacted badly.

I was badly behaved, crying a lot - really upset about it. I can't even tell you why - I didn't really know - it was just a reaction to change. I think it probably felt like I was losing him (I wasn't of course- thats just what my 10 year old mind felt)

Change is quite frightening when you're a kid. I was very ungrateful and selfish but I wasn't aware of doing/being that - I just reacted instinctively (I was probably quite ungrateful and selfish until my late teens though - my poor parents!)

He needs reassurance and time and attention and he'll get over it.

I'm sure your boys will be everything you hope for OP. It's basically crap that you have to be the one bearing the brunt of everyone's upset while the ex swans off picking out tuxedos without a care for a little boy's feelings but, as I always remind myself as a fellow lone parent, you're the parent that stayed.... and that makes you a hero :)

Just read this cognito. Thank you :)

PS that was me, I changed my name. Wasn't quite loving it this week ;)