So, I told him he's the father....

[Teki]

About 2 years ago, I posted in this forum about revealing to a man, that he was the father of my twin boys. The advice I received was very helpful, and I proceeded with telling this man the news.

For a while, it was ok. We emailed and kept in touch. Our contact was friendly and hospitable. He seemed interested in my boys. He even had a huge Maori tattoo done across his chest and down his arm, (in memory of his father) AND as some kind of respect for my twin boys (this is what he told me!). But recently, (well, within the last year) he has become distant, and contact was only made, when I prompted it. I had to prompt him to send a 3yr old birthday card, but he NEVER sent a Christmas one, only a message AFTER I emailed him a merry Christmas...

I've never asked anything from him (even though, I should!) and I've kept contact, because when my boys are teenagers, they will want to know about their real father is, so I have been keeping everything level in my relationship with this man and everything 'fair'. He has a new girlfriend, so I figured, of course, his time is taken with this new relationship, but I do not know if she knows about the boys. I do not know if he has told his immediate family either, and I feel my boys are missing out on the extended family that they could have.

I am not sure now to even bother keeping contact, because it IS frustrating being the only one making all the moves to keep contact. Please note, I do not bug him on a daily basis, once, maybe twice a month, I message the father through Facebook or via email, but the responses seem obligated, and with little self interest, only reiterating what I have written in my messages.

I am angry at his behaviour, angry that this man has little to no 'real' interest of his own in my twin boys. Angry, that he is treating us like a dirty secret. I want to tell his girlfriend of the existance of these boys, I want to tell his sister too. Would that be overstepping the mark?

What would you recommend or advise me to do? I have emailed him to say I will not contact him anymore, that HE must contact ME if he wants to know how the boys are - but no response from that either.

Teki x

I think you're doing the right thing. If he wants to involve himself in their life, he should do so without you urging him on. If he doesn't though, then there really is nothing you can do, sorry. I don't think you should tell his family either.

I think your anger towards him is understandable but telling his girlfriend and sister really won't help matters at all. Unfortunately you cant make someone be interested in their children. They have to want to be.

Quite often for a man, he needs to be part of the process, involved in the pregnancy, at the birth, up in the night making bottles up and being there for them when they need him to really get that close emotional bond that new parents have with their babies. Take that away and there is little connection other than perhaps curiousity.

It's telling that he hasn't offered to help you financially. This highlights his level of interest.

I would let it go now but would consider asking for financial support and if he won't agree, going through the channels to get some.

Unfortunately you can't force him to be interested in his children.

Even if you tell his family.

The interest has to come from him alone.

But I would sort out some financial support from him either privately or through a solicitor/CSA. Even if you think you can manage without it, it will be useful for your boys.

You've done your bit, I'd leave it now tbh. My ds's father has no contact, never has. I spent 2 years trying to get him involved. The simple truth is you can't make him be a father to his children and it sounds like he's made it pretty clear he isn't interested.
Sounds like it would be best all round to forget about him and move on. In my exes words, they can look him up when they're adults if they wish, it's pretty easy to track people down these days.
You should absolutely claim child maintenance though.

You did the right thing telling him, your conscience is clear, and in years to come if your boys want to pursue their own relationship with this man, that will be between him and them.

What would his grudging presence albeit in the shadows bring to your DSs's lives?

If you have got by this far without any financial or emotional support, I hope you are in a 'good place' and have continued support of family and friends. But now I think you have to let this go. Don't get into any ugly scenes with the father or with his gf or DSis.

If you now intend to seek some financial payment in the form of regular maintenance, don't blur that issue with trying to force contact.

Meant you say, I do understand your anger but you need to try and let it go. I just feel sorry for my ex now missing out on an amazing wee boy. It's his loss and I firmly believe that no contact is better than sporadic contact with a disinterested parent.

Meant to say!

You are wasting your time trying to get him to be interested in his children, believe me been there done it. You will be like an annoying fly near his ear and he will swat you eventually.

More thought about involving the sister is required, it would be nice for your dc to have an Aunt in their life and not feel rejected by that side of the family, it also may upset them that she is involved as she will know their Dad and they will not, double edged sword and all that.

Pursue him for financial support. He'll never be a 'real father' to your DCs but at least he can do the right thing money-wise.

What cogito said. I think a relationship with an ambivalent father is more damaging to a child's self esteem then no relationship at all.

I would tell the family. Why should one disinterested man get to deprive two children of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc just because he can't be arsed? and vice versa why should they be deprived of knowing your lovely boys?

Let the CSA tell the family... Kill two birds with one rock :)