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Relationships

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Original poster

Missing condoms !!!

21 replies

Fari92 · 13/01/2014 12:55

Dating a great man for about one year and he is not ready to commit. He has been divorced for 5 years and is not ready for a serious relationship ( I know I know I'm stupid for staying loyal to him ) He is 34 I am 31

I went to his house on Saturday and he started making out with me the minute I walked in the door ( not normal behavior but ok). He tried to have sex with me without a condom and I asked him "please go get one " . I knew there was a new Box in his night stand because I was with him went he bought it and we only used one and there was 2 left . He looked for about a minute and couldn't find the box and made the excuse that the lady that cleans the apartment might have thrown them away. I put my clothes on and told him lets watch a movie instead .
He seemed eager to change the subject and after the movie I asked him "please look for the condoms I don't want to think you used them on other woman" he assure me he didn't sleep with anyone. And they are just misplace . But i couldn't stay I was hurt so I left after the movie. I accused him of cheating and walked out . Am I wrong ? We promised not sleep with anyone else and I feel like he lied . Him and his friends were out clubbing the night before and now he can't find the condoms . my friends tell I am to smart to keep a man and sometimes I need to close my eyes and pretend I don't see . I really love him but since he doesn't want to get married any time soon or even have a girlfriend should I just leave him ? I don't want to be in a relationship with a cheater ? Do man misplace condoms ? Am I crazy ?

OP posts:

CaptainHindsight · 13/01/2014 12:57

my friends tell I am to smart to keep a man and sometimes I need to close my eyes and pretend I don't see .

^ That might be the worst advice I have ever heard.

You're not crazy, your instincts are telling you something.
Listen to your gut.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 13:08

I found an open box of condoms once that my (then) DH had hidden. When confronted, he said that he sometimes enjoyed using them when he was 'alone'....ahem. They were the 'fun' type that can be found in a pub/club vending machine, so hardly an impulse buy (in my opinion) for an intended onanism session at some point in the future [hmmm]

I didn't believe him either.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 13:09

oops, one too many m to achieve

temporary · 13/01/2014 13:13

I think you have behaved very sensibly and with dignity.

JeanSeberg · 13/01/2014 13:17

I've always thought the posh wank was a myth too fiftyandfab.

OP - he is not ready to commit to me means he is giving himself permission to shag who he likes and you can't complain because he was open about it upfront.

Get rid.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 13:17

Thinking more about this, if he had known you were going to his place, and what was probably on the agenda AND knowing that he had already used the remaining 2 condoms (IF he had!) surely any self respecting cheater (!) would have replaced them, in anticipation of your visit. No help...just being Devil's Advocate...

AuntieStella · 13/01/2014 13:23

Well, people can lose all sorts of things. You'll never prove it one way or another by guessing on that. It might be true, it might be the excuse deliberately chosen as just about possible and also impossible to disprove.

Is this time to look at this relationship in the round? He's not ready to commit. You have your suspicions about exclusivity. Now, what do you want from a relationship? Is he really meeting any of those expectations?

SeptemberFlowers · 13/01/2014 13:28

Your mates are wrong - sorry

That is really really bad advice. I too think you behaved with dignity and did the best thing.

Optimist1 · 13/01/2014 13:29

You've been dating for a year but he doesn't even want a girlfriend? Then what he wants is a fuckbuddy and that's what you are OP. (Sorry.) And as a FB the only things you're entitled to are a) sexual health precautions and b) honesty. He's denying you both of these ... time to call it a day.

fiftyandfab · 13/01/2014 13:30

Agree with stella, impossible to prove either way.

If this made me uncomfortable after a year of dating, I'd get rid.

I also think that a cleaning lady would NOT got into private drawers and make a decision to throw ANYTHING away. That would be a sackable offence in my book.

prh47bridge · 13/01/2014 13:33

I haven't used condoms very often. I have misplaced them. It is not impossible. He may have cheated or he may have genuinely lost them. There is no way of knowing.

JeanSeberg · 13/01/2014 13:37

He tried to have sex with me without a condom

I'd dump him for this point alone.

laregina · 13/01/2014 13:44

Dump him. As others have said, your friends are nuts, frankly.

You'll never know the truth for certain but your gut instinct is to not trust him - and I'm not surprised seeing as you've been seeing him/sleeping with him for a year but he 'doesn't want a girlfriend'.

Move on because you can do better. And tell your friends they need to set their sights a bit higher too.

Oldandcobwebby · 13/01/2014 13:45

Posh wanks are certainly not a myth.

Jaffacakesallround · 13/01/2014 13:46

You actually sound quite young for 31 and your friends sound very immature to trot out phrases like ' you are lucky to keep a man' WTF??? Do they all have such low self esteem?

I can see how he doesn't want to commit- being divorced by 29 is young ( though I believe in the US people marry earlier than the UK?)

So, nothing wrong IMo in him wanting to not repeat a mistake and rush into another marriage or committed relationship.

BUT- you have been dating for a year- so is that exclusive by choice for both of you?

I don't buy the cleaning lady story. why would she dispose of or move something so personal?

Suggest you have a good talk about whether the goal posts have moved and if he hasn't told you.

gamerchick · 13/01/2014 13:48

Maybe he uses them for his sex toys. They come in handy for that.

It doesn't sound as if this one's a keeper. As has been said.. trust your gut.

Freyalright · 13/01/2014 15:44

You can't know what happened to them. Either way, your gut is suggesting 'cheat', so I'd get out. If he is telling the truth, his gut will be telling him to end it, on the grounds you are OTT/crazy.
Either way it's done.

Twinklestein · 13/01/2014 17:32

No idea about the condoms, but you're 31, if you want kids, this is not a sensible man choice. Meh to a guy who tries to have sex without a condom.

ALittleStranger · 13/01/2014 18:25

Your friends are idiots.

If he was "cheating" he would have replaced the condoms. Cheats are good at covering their tracks. He doesn't have to because he's not "cheating," as he's not aware he's in a relationship. He's banging some women he's been seeing for a year (you) and banging whoever he meets at a club.

Original poster

Fari92 · 13/01/2014 22:12

That's what I thought too! But hmmmmmm

OP posts:

Original poster

Fari92 · 13/01/2014 22:20

Thanks to everyone for telling me what I already knew "I need to move on" . In the one year we dated nothing but this one situation has made me think he was sleeping with other people. Even if he said he didn't want a relationship he really acted like he was my boy friend. He called me everyday, texted me all day everyday, spent every weekend with me and when I said I was busy some weekends he would seem disappointed. It wasn't all about sex we would just lay around a watch movies together most of time, he would even cook lol i really just thought he didn't want to put a title to what we were doing. Even his friends would call me his girlfriend and hangout with us all the time. But I get it now, the rose colored glasses are off, I am done. It's hurtful but it's done I am going no contact. I am sure he will call in a few days trying to reexplain but I am done. I never posted to these forums before but it's amazing how the comments of others can shine a light on a situation.

OP posts:

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