Advice needed please- no birthday present! AIB a princess?

[BigNumber]

NC for this. Sorry, long and tedious, but didn't want to drip feed.

I've been seeing someone for about a year. We've known each other for a long time, but we got chatting on FB a few years ago after our marriages had both broken down, found we got on amazingly well and decided to meet up again to see if there was a spark. There was. :)

Due to distance, work, kids etc we only see each other once a month at best, but we chat every day, either on the phone or FB chat or WhatsApp. We still get on really well, we always have a great time when we see each other- meals out, chatting, nice walks, lots of (amazing) sex (sorry TMI!).

However, I've felt for a while that I'm more into him than he is into me- for example, he hasn't told any of his friends about me, which I feel is highly significant. He says it's because he's just a really private person, but I feel quite hurt by this, esp as he often asks whether he came up in conversation when I've been out with my friends.

He told me he loved me once, by WhatsApp, in the early days, when drunk. I wasn't ready to say it back at the time but have since, and he's never said it again.

Lots of other little examples I won't bore you with, but the last straw was my birthday three weeks ago. It was a significant birthday and he sent me nothing at all, not even a card. Just a WhatsApp wishing me a happy birthday, plus another one later saying he hoped I was having a good day.

(I feel like I'm being a bit of a grabby princess about this so I must stress I'm not bothered about not getting a present per se, it's just the fact that he went to no effort whatsoever to try to make my birthday special for me. (I posted him a card and present when it was his birthday, if that's relevant.))

So basically, for all these reasons I feel like he sees me as just a fuck buddy for whom he had an initial burst of enthusiasm that's now very much on the wane. I can't cope with that, it's not what I signed up for and I don't think it's good for me to allow myself to continue with such a one-sided relationship.

What I want to know is, should I tell him that I'm hurt at the lack of birthday gift (obviously making it clear that it's the lack of affection this implies rather than the lack of present) or should I keep quiet about this part of it? And is it as significant as I feel it is?

Yes, it's significant after a year - as is the lack of meeting friends. As is your gut feeling, which is what you've described here and is telling you he's just not that into you.

I don't know whether I'd mention the present. I'd make this about what YOU want and respond accordingly.

Presumably YOU don't want a man who is lukewarm about you. Presumably YOU don't want to demean yourself trying to 'make' someone act as if they care about you - you'd want it to be spontaneous (ie genuine!) or not at all, right? Who wants to be patronised - 'please could you buy me a birthday present, I need to see more evidence that you care for me'? Err, no thanks! What's the point of that?

If what you say above is what you truly believe - then turn your focus elsewhere. Start moving on. Make him a smaller part of your life. Stop seeing him as 'your man' - it doesn't seem as if he is.

It's possible that he's game playing - if so, expect him to turn on the charm once he senses you're cooling. Don't fall for this - it tells you more than anything that he's not a keeper anyway.

Move on.

I wouldn't bother telling him, he should know all these things. I think, from what you've posted, he rather likes having you 'into him'. He knows what you want because you do it for him and he wants it, ie. being known about by your friends.

You're right. He's not into you, not making anywhere near the effort he should be.

It is significant; it's quite humiliating to face facts and then post about them to strangers. You obviously feel very deeply about it and I would be disappointed too.

You could tell him but then what's the point? If he were really into your relationship, he'd do these things without prompting. You deserve better, I hope you find it.

Keep your heart well out of his reach. If it were me, I'd be distancing myself - not so that he comes running (because he WILL) - but because he wouldn't be worth my time or my esteem.

cross-posted with Bruno who is more eloquent than I am.

I'd be really offended. A year in, you're supposed to be still in the romantic phase. If he's not doing it for you, don't waste any more time

Thanks, both of you! FWIW I found both of your replies very eloquent, and illuminating.

I'm glad you both agree that the lack of present points to HJNTIM rather than to me being a big old drama queen. And you're right that if he came good with a gift now it would be meaningless and insulting (if I buy you some perfume, can I still fuck you from time to time?).

And yes, Lying, I do think he likes the fact that I really like him. In fact, looking back on it now I feel that to an extent he's engineered it that way- drawn me in and just keeps testing the water to make sure he's "secure".

One thing I hadn't considered was that he'd turn the charm back on to get me back if he feels I'm cooling. Thanks for that particular heads-up, I'll be on the look-out for it.

So basically, for all these reasons I feel like he sees me as just a fuck buddy for whom he had an initial burst of enthusiasm that's now very much on the wane. I can't cope with that, it's not what I signed up for and I don't think it's good for me to allow myself to continue with such a one-sided relationship.

I actually think you should be proud of yourself, Big. You've identified what you're not happy with, that it's not good for you and you're going to do something about it.

I'm sure it won't be pain-free to end things but I bet you'll feel a lot better without the what-ifs and wondering if things are going to improve. These things can take up a lot of headspace can't they?

New year, new start!

I once had a boyfriend who did nothing on my birthday once, after we'd been seeing each other about a year. Once he realised it upset me he was sorry and the next year really outdid himself. So it's not a dealbreaker - but the feeling that he's just not that into you would be.