Is early dating hard? or am I making it more difficult that needs be?

[Twentyofyourbest]

Just that really. I have recently met a lovely man and have enjoyed 2 dates with him. I say lovely, I dont know that, its just based on the hours we have spent together. You just dont know, do you.

In the past I have had an abusive marriage with came after an abusive marriage, it would be fair to say that I am highly suspicious of most men in a romantic/ sexual sense.

Several friends have noted this and say I spend a lot of energy looking for the faults, setting the guys up to fail, giving reasons why things will never work and never trying. This is all true.

So, Ive met a man, I have enjoyed my time with him. He seems nice and is lovely mannered and im looking forward to seeing him this weekend. However, ive just got myself into a bit of anxiety as he is picking me up, and Ive been roasted on here in the past for getting into a car with a man ive not known for a long time.
I mean, whats normal and whats not?
And then i start thinking that i dont really know him, because its only been a few dates, but at what point do you really know someone? I had a 10 year marriage and was shocked, you see it on here all the time.

I Guess im just after some reassurance of whats normal.

If you've met him twice and haven't been abducted so far I think getting in his car is not exactly risky. :) Then again, if you are crippled by anxiety as a result of consecutive abusive experiences it may be advisable to put dating on hold more generally, seek personal counselling and then come back to it when you are more sure of yourself.

I dont think its risky either, but like i say, I was once roasted on here for getting in a car and going somewhere with a man I had been seeing for 6 weeks. I was told I had no boundaries and was risking my life.

While its true that ive only met this man twice, at what point do you just assume that they them that is being portrayed, is the one that is them?

Im not crippled by anxiety, im unsure of my decision as Ive got it in the neck on here about things i would consider normal

Whoever gave you a roasting for getting in a car with someone you'd known sixe weeks was monumentally overreacting and I think they can be safely ignored.

I think most people you meet are generally what they appear to be. 'Dates' are usually on best behaviour so you have to factor that in and make allowances. (I expect you're not completely yourself with him yet, for that matter.) But it takes a huge amount of effort to portray yourself as something completely opposite to what you are. Most can't keep it up for long.

Thats what I think too, but I was roasted by more than one poster.

Im trying to stay in the moment with it and not self sabotage by looking for faults, which i know i do. But then I have things in the back of my mind, like the car thing, where to me it seems fine, but MN has said no its wrong and I must have self esteem issues or something like that, and then I get confused.

I want to ensure I dont end up in another abusive relationship, im much older now and have done a lot of work on myself, but i fear that ive gone too far the other way, if that makes sense.

Its normal isnt it, for a man to offer to take you out and to pick you up? and for him maybe to come in for coffee on the way home. It doesnt mean hes going to attack me or anything worse and it doesnt mean i have poor self esteem?

I'm not sure of the answer to this but I'm the same. I've only had one real relationship that lasted 23yrs. I'm now dating a new guy but I'm constantly looking for things that could be 'wrong' as I can't believe he can actually be so nice.

I've seen him roughly once a week for about 3 mths now and still feel like I don't know him much at all. But I do think that I know his character quite well now. If he was putting on any kind of show at the start I think it would have slipped by now. He's kind, respectful and caring. He's never made sexist/racist/homophobic comments. He seems to work hard and has good morals and values.

However, I don't think you really know someone properly for a long long time. I'm guilty of over-analysing everything and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. After being in an abusive marriage it's only natural to be on your guard. I almost feel like I've got my finger on the 'Abort' button, poised to press it and finish everything if he does something that upsets me.

But at some point you just have to go with the flow and see how it goes. Try not to question things too much, but at the same time be prepared to speak up if you're not happy about something.

And yes it's fine to accept a lift. I did on our second date. It's no different to a female friend giving you a lift really.

Was this on AIBU that you were roasted? MN is just a collection of random individuals, not the Oracle at Delphi. Some of us are lovely, calm, rational types but there are plenty of anonymous fruit-loops lurking and trying to cause trouble. Especially on AIBU IME.

It is quite normal for a man to offer to take you out, pick you up and come in for coffee if that's what you want to happen. Doesn't mean he's going to attack you. That scenario would only be indicative of low self-esteem if you were doing any of it because you felt obliged to behave in a particular way (e.g. he bought me dinner so I have to sleep with him) rather than because you wanted it to happen.

As for going too far the other way with your tendency to focus on the bad things, I think that's just a natural rebalancing. Speaking personally I am supremely intolerant of anything that doesn't feel right at the dating stage. Easier to get rid of them then than to waste more valuable time.

Do you think you are ready to date?
How would he react if you told him "Sorry but I don't think I'm ready to date yet"?
How do you think he would react?

What have you done to recover from your previous relationships? (freedom programme).

Those encouraging you to date, what are their relationships like?
Those discouraging you/ over reacting, what are their relationships like?

(If you have young children, extra care before they meet/know about him is advisable.)

No it wasnt on AIBU, what had happened was he had taken me out for the day, His behaviour was really odd and i wasnt happy, so i dumped him. I was confused as it was quite at odds as to how he had been before, came on here for advice and got roasted for even getting in a car with him as apparently it showed i was desperate and had poor self esteem. When I defended myself I was told I was defensive and had more issues.
Odd

I am awfully intolerant of basically anything i dont like, Ive got a reputation of being quite caviler.

Mummy- if i said no, then he would leave it, why wouldnt he? Its only been two dates so its not anything yet, noone is under any obligation.

Ive been on my own for a lot of years, ive done a lot of self help and learning about myself.

Those encouraging me are those than know me well and will stick their head above the firing line and tell me ' get a grip, you are setting men up to fail before the first drink is drunk' they have healthy, lovely relationships after learning lots themselves.

I have a child under 10, doesnt even come into the equation and Its a non issue.

Nothing wrong with him picking you up, IMO.

If your previous thread is the one I
Thinking of then it really doesn't relate to this situation at all and I think those giving you a 'roasting' would present things rather differently to the way you have here! It was more about inviting a person back yours for coffee after he had been hideously rude and nasty towards you over lunch.

I don't say that to pick over any old ground but because it really is irrelevant to this situation.

I didnt invite him back to coffee, I left him and got a friend to come and pick me up.

Ive tried to find the thread but cant find it.

Ah ok, different thread sorry