Affects of parents arguing and rowing on children

[libra35]

I’m in my mid 30s and I cannot deal with even the most basic of conflict – it causes me terrible stress. For example I wouldn’t even send restaurant food back if something was wrong with it. And I’m prone to anxiety and low self esteem. Having visited my parents at the weekend, it’s now beginning to dawn on me why I am, like I am. My parents started having a terrible argument and it was almost like I was a ten year old rather than a married, adult woman. I started shaking and I felt terrified. My heart rate was racing, I felt sick and I barely slept that night. I was also embarrassed because the row was in front of my husband and another guest. I seemed incapable of handling it and still 48 hours later, I am still thinking and stressing about it.
My mother has often said that I lost my confidence when I was about 10 and she has always blamed my school. However, I loved my school and for me this is when I remember my parents starting to really row. I dreaded the weekends because my father would be around and I knew there would be awful rows. I woke up every Saturday morning to screaming. I would go to bed with my ears in my fingers so I didn’t hear them shouting. Whilst there was absolutely no physical violence in the house, my father was and is prone to a terrible tempers which would blow up about nothing so I would often walk around on egg shells. I was always on my guard and on the lookout for things that would set the arguments off. I hated the way Dad would shout at Mum but my siblings and I often were at the end of it as well – calling us ‘useless’ and ‘stupid’ children on many occasions. Even on their 40th wedding anniversary, we all went for a trip somewhere to celebrate (haha) and there were bad tempers and arguments before we got there. And then like usual it calmed down and they were chatting jovially again. Yet muggins here couldn’t relax because I found it too stressful.

I’m not out to blame my parents here but I’m just trying to understand whether the affects of the rows in childhood can cause anxiety or confidence issues in later life. I would love to understand why I can’t deal with their rows or anyone else’s and why it causes me so much stress. Did anyone else have rowing parents and did it affect you?

hope that didn't sound smug btw not my intention it's just that you only ever hear bad stuff about effects of divorce on kids

X post - thanks whitesugar

My patents bickered and sniped. It was excruciating and 40 years on I am not good at conflict. Dps parents are able to disagree but in a healthy unthreatening way. He's good at standing up for himself in a reasonable way. I think this is more than coincidence.

Hermione, you don't sound smug, you sound like a parent doing the best you can. I think people only hear about the divorce statistics because it makes the news. It is not newsworthy to hear that a family stayed together and lived a nice life. I also think that divorce stats only make the news because the headlines usually target single mothers! To me it is misogeny. I think that the words single mothers should be revised to read, abandoned mothers or parent who stayed.

I had continuous examples of both arguing styles from my parents. On the one hand, they were very interested in spirited debate - we'd be encouraged (and goaded, tbh) to take part over the dinner table. I became a leader of the school debating society, and went on to use my reasoning skills at work. My sibs have gained lasting benefit, too. We all lament that so few people know how to argue!

At the same time, my violently psychopathic & articulate father ruled the home by fear. My histrionic mother railed back at him. There were constant tears, screams, racking sobs, whispering silences and rage. This has done immeasurable damage. There was frequent physical violence ... but the punches, throws and beatings have not made the same impression on me as the emotional background. I am not afraid of physical violence. I am terrified by bullies.

I thought I was over it - or, at least, had reasonable coping strategies - until I was severely bullied at work. I ended up with a breakdown. This forced me to recognise that I'd unconsciously sought relationships in which I would be abused: the old thing about re-playing the past, unknowingly seeking a happy ending for once. I'm still recovering, tbh; still in therapy off and on, and uncomfortably committed to learning everything there is to know about abuse, so as to keep myself on top of it. It's just another way of re-writing my history, but I hope it will save me from painfully re-living it over and over again.

Their relationship has tainted my whole life: every part of it. It did the same to my brothers & sisters.

Sorry, I didn't mean this to be so much about meee!

Garlic, I hear every single word you say. It is in no way all about you. By being generous enough to talk about yourself you have helped everyone reading this thread. I tried to put a brave face on things, even after surviving a bullying EXH. Then I found myself bullied by my boss and ended up off on work related stress for over 3 months. I know my past experiences almost led me to this situation. I should have reported that wanker and told everyone who would listen but I tried to pretend it wasn't happening. For some reason recently I have started to recover from this bullying. It has been either sink or swim. I couldn't report it at work because it is such an arse licking culture and the boss is a narcissistic wanker it would have gone nowhere. The whole experience threw me back into life with my parents and my EXH. I have worked hard and have been to counselling which helped a lot. I am determined not to put my children through the experience of witnessing an abusive relationship. It really is dreadfully damaging and I hope some parents who think that their children won't notice take very good notice of this thread.

I do want back up the point that there is nasty, abusive arguing and there is healthy arguing.

My parents arguments, even when angry, were never nasty growing up. There were periods when they would argue quite frequently, and I remember this well. There was never violence, or name calling, or threats. The would resolve it and be quite loving with each other. They never involved my brother and I, though we would witness or overhear the arguments and resolutions - and sometimes it was them doing separate things for a few hours and then coming back to each other calmed and happy.

I'm actually happy and grateful I experienced this growing up. My parents have a great marriage. I see a lot of couples of my generation who marry, find themselves arguing, and feel they have to split up. My parent's marriage showed me that if you're committed and communicative you can resolve issues.

There's definitely a middle ground. This thread has brought up great points all around.

My parents were/are loving and always made it up- but I still hate the bickering and the hyperbolic language and the tears and spent many years of childhood as a peacemaker just to shut them up.

It is almost certainly what most posters would view as healthy arguing (no abuse) and certainly they are happier together than apart and we all grew up feeling loved and cherished.

But is it so wrong to be thinking "I don't want to have to listen to this any more than I'd want to see you having sex together"? That's how I felt as a child, that's how I still feel.

My father is controlling and a bully . But I find it uncomfortable to say this because paradoxically, he can be a very kind, generous and charming man.

Manipulative people use charm as well as threats, libra. It's pretty classic.

Just going through counselling myself to understand my parents impacts on my behaviour and I'm from the same end of the spectrum as Wallaby et al. No conflicts in my childhood between my parents and I've always shied away from conflict since. It isn't healthy.

Interestingly DW came from the opposite background, physically and verbally abusive household, screaming matches violence etc... She doesn't do conflict either.

We both shut down and withdraw if our views differ on important matters (particularly our relationship) and it is causing problems. I really don't want DCs to grow up without learning how to handle disagreements /arguments so I've been trying to tackle my own behavioural problems. It is hard though, I suppose changing behaviour always is...

Anyway, the point was that, in my experience, the two ends of the spectrum produce similar results and I echo what everyone else has said about a healthy middle ground.

Thank you for you 'ear', whitesugar, and I'm sorry you suffered that at work as well. If nothing else, we come out wiser and with better understanding ... hard-won as it is! Stay with it, Keepithidden - it does work. Is DW learning healthy expression, too?

Thanks Garlic, unfortunately when I suggested counselling to DW in the past she assumed it was a precursor to divorce. Completely the opposite of what I intended, but my attempts at reassurance weren't successful so I haven't suggested it again. Probably something to do when I figure out how to express myself properly!

Besides that, I think she's happy with the status quo at the moment. It was my own unhappiness (rather than anything on her side) that prompted me to open the counselling "Pandoras Box" in the first place. It rapidly progressed from the issue I was wanting help with to somewhere I hadn't expected.

Keepithidden - I frequently find myself role-playing healthy solution-finding skills. So if one of us is unreasonable I say to the dcs 'well most people wouldn't react like that they would say something like ... x... x..' Eg 'Pass the butter fffs' becomes 'can you pass me the butter please' etc. It's crazy but I find it the only way to bring a balance. I can't get out of the relationship at the moment due to practical/financial reasons. I also try to explain dcs behaviour when they get out of hand or ask them to explain so we can de-brief and the behaviour doesn't become ingrained.

They are teens now and although it sounds nuts it does actually help.

Thanks Horse, I like the idea of using a reasonable/unreasonable reaction approach. Something to try: I can do "Nuts"!

I do use the debrief technique on DCs already, it's probably more for my benefit than theirs at the moment though, they're only 2.5 and 4. Talking about their behaviour, the causes and consequences after it's all calmed down is reassuring to me, and them I think. I'm not sure if they understand what I'm trying to do most of the time, but at least they'll be able to pick up on tone of voice and non-verbal communications.

I've had this all my life, as far as i can remember my mum would always have a go at my dad and she'll tell us the full story about how he was a useless and selfish husband and father. which i agree. because he has never supported us financially and emotionally as a father. he was a very quite man with a very bad temper. even to this day my mum would mention her past and they would still have a raw when me and my dc go to visit every week. i tried to escspe from the constant point score between my parents when i was young. so now im a single mum of 2ds. due to 25 years of listening to my mums depressing stories about her past i feel i lack confidence in myself. and i have no faith or trust in men. just like how my mum always feel. so yes it has affected me to a point when i was in my late 20's i just didn't want to meet anyone and wanted to stay single forever. i didn't want to meet someone and end up like my mum. but then she was right, i should have listened to her advice and stay away from my boyfriend back then, now my ex. as a young child i was carefree and my parents constant putting each other down didn't have an impact on me until i was a teenager. i remember feeling angry and frustrated most times, but the adult years was also unhappy.

I completely agree with the first paragraph of Cogito's first post. That was certainly my experience.

It is really good for my DS that his mother and I are not together as the conflict that occurred in that relationship was not healthy.