Abusive man? Some not very nice details which might be triggering

[Quattro]

Background
When I was at college, I started seeing my first proper boyfriend. We were together for around 18 months. We broke up because I was leaving for university.

We stayed in amicable contact for a few years after I moved away, then just drifted apart. When I was 32, he found me through Facebook and started messaging me. I was, at this time, in the final stages of breaking up with my partner of 8 years. My old boyfriend then moved back to the town we had first known each other and where I live. He would ask me over to his flat in the guise of a ‘catch up’. This would nearly always result in him asking me to give him a blow job. If I refused, as I nearly always did, he would ask if I minded him touching himself and this would turn into him asking me to touch him/perform oral sex. I would usually end up giving in.

Writing the facts of it makes it sound so sleazy, but I don’t know how to explain... He seems to have a hold over me. I find myself giving in to him. Perhaps he knows me better than I know myself and knows how to manipulate me. Knows that I find it difficult to say no, knows how to flatter me or whatever. I’m not under the illusion that he has any romantic feelings for me and I’m not interested in a relationship with him. At one point, I felt strongly that I wanted to be in a relationship with him. Then I realised that I meant very little to him, that I represented a fallback option. Certain events over the last few years have made me aware of how little respect we have for each other. But still I can’t say no to him.

Last night

I was seeing someone for the best part of a year and we broke up last month. My old boyfriend asked me to go over last night. I knew that he would expect sex of some sort. I had already had a couple of glasses of wine, agreed and went.

When I got there, he started wanking, asking me to touch him. He started kissing me aggressively, touching me, forcing his penis against my lips. I didn’t like it, but I just let him. This went on for some time. He didn’t penetrate me.

The point of my post is this: I didn’t say no. I went to his place, knowing what he would do. I don’t know how to end this cycle of behaviour. I feel ashamed and worthless. I can’t believe that this man still does this to me. I think part of my head still sees the relatively sweet teenager, but my sensible head is incredibly sad that the boy I used to know has turned into an abusive man. And I cannot believe that I’m still caught up in it all these years later. What can I do? What should I do? I can’t talk about this with friends.

(I put 'triggering' in the title because I didn't want to upset anyone with the description of what he did.)

you tell him you don't want to hear from him ever again. Do it by text or email. If he contacts you after that you tell him that if he contacts you again you will consider it harassment and report it to the police.

you delete his number. You change your phone number if you can. You block him on facebook.

Confide in friends if you can. Let them support you in staying strong and telling you you are worth more than this.

You are worth more than this.

Missed out and if he contacts you again after than you DO contact the police.

hi there

i am so sorry that you have found yourself in this position, compromised, powerless unable to say no.

let go your shame of the situation as it is part of the reason that you are in this position. the secrecy and the shame, and the fact you cannot tell your friends, keep this situation "unreal" as if it isn't happening, but yet it is. if you were to tell a friend, then it would become more real.

maybe part of you is hoping to re-kindle and recapture the old and youthful you and him. that is a powerful thing. to forget the failed relationship and go back to the time before it.

but there is a discrepancy between what you expect and what happens. you are letting this man treat you like this in the expectation of something he cannot give you, perhaps.

i suggest you tell a loved one and listen to their reaction. and get their support. and when this man contacts you again that you tell him exactly how what happened made you feel. and probably he wont contact you again. and if he does. tell him again. be honest.

i also think you need to question the role of alcohol in your life.

love yourself. you deserve it. if you learn to love yourself, then someone else can love you.

Absolutely what the others say. At some point in the future you can work out all the why's and wherefore's but for now just get well-extricated.

What a nasty, poisonous saddo he is.

Thanks for your responses. Writing it down has made it seem real. I don't know how I could tell someone in real life, I'm meeting my friend layer and I can't think of how I would even bring it up. Or how to explain that I let him.

As for telling him not to contact me, I know you're right. I will try to do this today. I'm scared that he will react badly or try to manipulate me, but I will do it.

Look at it this way. If you've told him to stop contacting you (preferably follow it up with a text/email that you keep) and he persists then its much more clear-cut to the police if you want their help to make it clear he's to leave you alone.

"I will try to do this today"

Do. Or do not. There is no try Yoda: Empire Strikes Back

This man is sexually abusive, manipulative and he frightens you. You really must confide in someone IRL. That could be a trusted friend, your GP, Samaritans, Rape Crisis, Womens Aid.... it doesn't matter. It is a very important step you're taking acknowledging the abuse here and, when you follow through, you'll have more confidence to warn this man off. If he contacts you again, you should call the police. You won't be the only woman he does this to

estarone, when this man contacts you again that you tell him exactly how what happened made you feel. and probably he wont contact you again. and if he does. tell him again. be honest.

No, no, no! Not this!

Billy nailed it in my opinion in her first two posts.

Don't explain. Just do what BillyBanter advised.

Do not enter into a dialogue. You owe him nothing.

Are you then able to consider counselling? To explore ways of empowering yourself so you don't fall into this kind of trap again?

I sent a text telling him I don't want to be in contact.

I'm feeling tearful, I can see the whole thing shows how little self esteem I have. I'm also angry with myself for being so weak for so many years.

Your suggestions of people/organisations to contact are appreciated, but I genuinely feel I've brought this on myself and that it wouldn't be appropriate for me to contact them. I'm not just saying that to gain sympathy. What would I say? I didn't ask him to stop, I just let him.

Many victims of abusers believe they acted willingly. It is not weak to be coerced. It isn't bringing it on yourself to be manipulated. It usually takes counselling to really understand how the abusive dynamic operates.

Please do have the courage to talk to someone in confidence. Your story is depressingly common and there is help available if you ask for it. Rape Crisis and Womens Aid, for example, are confidential services that will take you extremely seriously. All you'd have to do is read out your opening post It's all in there.

I believe it's a matter of perspective Quattro. Your perspective is similar to mine if you don't mind me saying so. "I brought this on myself. If only I had been stronger, quicker, firmer... I deserve what has happened, I don't deserve help, understanding, a break..."

But other women in the same situation would have the perspective of,
"I'm a survivor. I did everything I had to do in order to survive and I behaved in the only way possible at the time. Now it's time to leave the old coping mechanisms behind because something different is needed now. Now I'm in a position to seek help and support and explore some of the beliefs that these experiences have left me with".

Shame can be a crippling emotion. Give yourself the same advice you'd give your loved ones.

I've just realised that I've got the details of two threads confused, which makes me look like a nutter in my last post .

Sorry OP.

FWIW I think you're right to cut contact. I wouldn't have announced it, personally, but the outcome is the same. Have you done all of the Billy-advised deleting? Are you going to seek counselling?

Announcing it was a good idea, because now if he harasses her she knows that he knows he is doing it against her will, and if she keeps the text message and he starts getting out of hand, the police will treat it as harassment which is a criminal offence.

now if he harasses her she knows that he knows he is doing it against her will

OP I meant to expand on this that should he contact you again, remind yourself he knows you don't want to speak to him, bluntly remind him of this and hang up. Don't listen to his manipulation if you can avoid it. I know this is hard, I've been through it. When I mentioned speaking to the police if they ever contacted me again I was left in peace.

The reason I wouldn't have declared my decision is that I think no contact is absolutely the best thing to do. No contact, meaning no dialogue, meaning no manipulation and confusion. But. I get your point about clarifying the intention to contact the police. Did OP include the bit about the police in her message?

There are a million stories like yours, unfortunately. The police, rape crisis, the samaritans, therapists etc have heard similar many times before. There are people out their willing to listen if you want to talk.

Thanks again, all. I'm at work at the moment, but will answer in more detail this evening.

Hi again.

So, to answer your questions, no, I didn't mention the police in my text message to him. I did word it carefully so as to make it a fait accompli, and not the beginning of a debate. On balance, I think he's unlikely to try to contact me. I don't think he knows my address.

I deleted him from Facebook as BillyBanter suggested. I'm hesitating to delete his phone number from my phone, as I would like to be able to recognise the number if he does try to ring or message me.

Counselling I will look into. It was something I had been considering for my self esteem issues anyway. I am in two minds about calling Rape Crisis. I looked at the websites for both Rape Crisis and Women's Aid and felt that Women's Aid seems to be more concerned with domestic violence and abuse within relationships and I'm not their target. Or am I just getting tied up in semantics?

Logg1e, I know your messages got confused, but I do feel like I don't deserve help, as you described. I even feel guilty about asking for advice here. I am attention-avoiding in nature and inclined to avoid making a fuss. It makes it hard to be objective.

Don't worry about mentioning the police: it was a suggestion for how you could shut him down quickly (and of course where you can go to get practical support in getting rid of him should it come to that).

And you do deserve support and would not be wasting those organisations time. Even if you just ring to see if they have recommended private counsellors in your area (other mners might know if that's a good way to seek counselling)

Womens Aid help victims of male abuse. Doesn't have to be physically violent or within a relationship. Rape Crisis help victims of sexual violence in general as well as rape specifically. They can potentially point you in the direction of appropriate counselling services.

You could rename his number on your phone, with something that will remind you not to contact him if you feel vulnerable.

To be honest, I don't think I would ring Women's Aid or Rape Crisis in your shoes either (not that you shouldn't, mind). I do think arranging counselling would be a good next step.

I've emailed my local Rape Crisis centre to ask if they can recommend counsellors.

I'm very grateful for your posts, which have made me feel slightly less alone today.