exH, DC & money! i need advice please

[catkin14]

At last, after so much arguing, it seems that exh & I have come to an agreement over finances.
We had a long marriage and uncomplicated finances but he made it very complicated. This stopped my teeenage DC & I moving on which made DC feel very angry with his DF.
I have tried to keep DC calm and not confront his DF with it as his DF is a clever manipulative man who can make anyone believe that black is white. I also know that if DC says anything to him he will get back at me by making the money situation worse.

Am I handling this right? We are now so close to agreement which means I can buy a small house for DC and I and I dont want DC to make his DF angry but DC is finding it hard not to say anything!
DC asks what is going on and at his age I cant tell too many cover ups!

Arrghh!! This is so difficult!

I think bullies must always be stood up to. Always. Telling your DS to keep quiet and stay calm is simply teaching him to cave in to a bully for the sake of a quiet life and a bit of money. Even though I understand your rationale I think it's wrong, I'm sorry. If your exH is so petty as to try welsh on a financial agreement just because a kid has a go at him then he's contemptible.

Explain the likely outcomes to your DS in full, be prepared for the backlash, but don't deny him the chance to have his say. He does not deserve to live in fear of a bully.

Thank you, no dont be sorry.
They have such a bad relationship atm, exh picks him up and puts him down when he feels like it which DC has found so hurtful but is afraid to tell him but this adds to his anger, for obvious reasons!
But I am just trying to hang on to the little amount of relationship they have I suppose, which is probably also wrong, I should just leave them to work it all out, or not.
But it doesnt seem fair on DC that exh questions him about my life when he is alone with him and because DC is afraid to upset his DF tells him what he wants to know..

I think your DS needs your permission to get angry with him. He may be afraid to upset his Dad but I'd bet my life he's aware of your nervousness over the money/house etc and wants to protect you as well. I think he needs your reassurance that whatever happens when he's with his Dad, whatever gets said, you're OK with it.

I don't know what characterised your marriage but I'm guessing keeping this man sweet was standard?

Firstly, make sure you have good legal advice. Your XH has legal obligations regarding how much money he contributes to DCs' upbringing, no matter what he says or what he wants. He's obviously a knob, so don't take his word for it on anything.
Secondly, by the sound of it, your DC is old enough to understand that his dad is a shit, that it's not DC's fault, and that there is no need to keep trying to placate this unpleasant, unreasonable man.

thanks, yes keeping the exh sweet was standard!

Dont worry, legal advice been had, we are at final stages of financial settlement, he is agreeing to release some early in order for me to buy my own house, but I am concerned that if DC gets angry with him he will put a stop to this early release.

DC seems very angry atm and the responsibilty for all this is on my shoulders..his DF takes no interest in his life.

You cannot ask DS to keep him sweet the way you did. It's unacceptable enough that your ex bullies you. If your DS is angry, he needs to know it's OK to be angry and you'll support him not.... 'don't say anything until the settlement comes through'. It's not your responsibility that he is angry, it is his father's.