What would you do about this friendship?

[sillymillyb]

I have known my best friend half my life, have lived together / travelled / nursed each other through parental deaths and relationship break downs etc.

I have had a shitty few years, been on my own with ds whole pregnancy and I've really struggled lately with the realisation that this is our life, and that I have let down ds because somedays I am just not good enough a mother for him.

A few months ago I noticed that if I ever rang my bf she would be out with mutual friends of ours. I would have said I was equally as close to them as she was, though she met them first and (don't know if this is relevant) they are all gay and I am not. Increasingly though I felt I have been left out - when I asked them about it, the usual response from bf was that it was a spur of the moment thing, but from other people there have been other replies, mostly they didn't think I would be able to afford to see them for a coffee etc.

God, sorry this is long! As such, when I've found out they are all in a bar or something, and I've been invited later on that evening, the last 2 time I have cancelled as I've felt I haven't been included.

Things came to a head with my bf a few weeks ago as I had contacted her and said I was really struggling. To the point where I had been trying to think of ways I could kill myself without it affecting ds (don't worry, I know there isn't a way, but I was at real rock bottom) I also told her I felt that he would sometimes be better off being adopted, as I am letting him down.

We didn't discuss it further than that, but afterwards I didn't hear from her for days. Since then I think I have heard from her maybe every 4 ish days and it's clear she is keeping her distance (usually talk daily)

We had a huge fight last week, she doesn't feel she has done anything wrong - she hasn't left me out at all, they have all just been spur of moment accidental meet ups that she didn't think to invite me too. She has a new gf and so is obviously wrapped up in her, but I am hurt by this. I'm hurt that I could tell her how low I felt and she hasn't even checked how I am. Is that indulgent?

I feel on the one hand that I would never act the way she has (in fact when she broke up with her long term ex in the summer she was practically sleeping on my sofa as she was so glued to my side) but on the other hand, I can imagine that I am boring company as I don't have anything in my life apart from ds.

I don't really know what I'm asking. Would these be deal breakers for you in your friendship or am I being overly needy? How do I fix it or do I back off?

Please be kind, I'm feeling sensitive!

dont lose the friendship, just realise that not all needs can be met in a friendship. maybe you are just too needy for her at this time. its not fair, but maybe she just is in a positive place, and doesn't have the support for you. thats not to say she never will. so park it for now, and get the support from someone else. what about single mothers groups in your area, they can be very supportive. your friend possibly cannot relate to your situation. you are feeling very sensitive and may be mis-interpreting these "slights" - perhaps they just aren't in the same place as you.

they did invite you out and you didnt go. next time go. be upbeat if you can, and preserve the friendships for when you are looking for people to go out with (which you will in time)

in the meantime, get some professional help for your suicidal thoughts. your friend is not a psychologist and may not know the right things to say to you when you are this low. you should immediately see a GP and get a medical opinion on your mental health and some counselling, and then hook up with support groups with people that are in the same position as you.

it really helps when you can meet up with people that have been where you are. they can help you out of the funk, leaving you ready to socialise as you did before things got so low for you.

dont ditch the friendship.

Friendships change over time. The things that drew you together initially can disappear. Your lifestyles can diverge and you can end up having nothing in common. Motherhood vs singleton status is a massive change, for example. You presumably have to make plans and get babysitters before you can head off on a night out. Your friend can drop and go.

As for the rest, I think it's very common in friendships for them to be a little one-sided. Doesn't necessarily matter when the problems are trivial but a serious problem will put it to the test. I think you're entitled to be annoyed and you should certainly tell her that you feel let down but I don't think it's something you can fix. You can't force someone to care.

Instead widen your social circle and meet people with whom you have more in common and are less selfish. Good luck

It sounds as if you have very real problems at the moment and your friend is overwhelmed by them and unable to give you the support you need. I think it may be an idea to seek professional help - even if you aren't at this moment feeling suicidal, it would be helpful to see if there is some therapy etc that may make you feel more able to cope.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Forget about your friend for a while and concentrate on building up your self-esteem.

Maybe you need professional help.

She may care for you but not want to take all your troubles on her shoulders as it might be overwhelming for her.

I agree with estarone. I don't think you need to end it but changes are required.

I think you are more dependent on her than her you. I think the new love in her life is taking up some of her time ( it will do) but unless you are totally dropped ( I don't get that impression) then I cannot see a need to fully end it.

I can understand why you cancelled but it also might have the effect of them not rushing to ask you again and again. So trying to widen your social circle could benefit you in lots of ways.

I think she doesn't realise the difficulties in your life but she won't because her life is different. I think estarone is right that trying to meet similar people will have more empathy/practical support etc.

I think I'm just hurt because she has had a really needy few years (her mum died and her long term relationship broke down) and this is the first time I've disclosed to her how I've felt in return. It feels one sided, and a bit unfair.

I have looked into some more support, me and ds have a little routine going now and I am hoping to go back to work soon to save my sanity!

Thank you for all your input, I honestly can't see wood for the trees at the minute!

I think it's just that you can't do sour of the moment things you have a child whereas she can
I do think you are reading too much into this. They are still your friends but friends don't have to be in each other's pockets.
I had to distance myself from a good friend a couple of years ago. Absolutely love the bones of her but she was actually making me ill. Another friend said she was like an emotional vampire to me sucking all the joy out of my life. And she was right,

I did back off but I still see her and we are still friends but it is a much healthier (for both of us) relationship

only give what you can afford not to receive back.

that way you are not disappointed and can give with a free heart.

as mostly, you do not get back from the person you gave to what you gave, but from someone else.

I'd guess a lot of people would not know how to deal with someone who is feeling suicidal. She may be avoiding for that reason. Or there is a different dynamic with you as you say you are the only straight one in the group. You will have a different kind of relationship than she has with the others, but that's not a bad thing, just as important. If she is still contacting you every 4 days, that is still quite a lot of contact and shows she still wants to be friends. As others have said, look to others for support and worry less about what your friend is doing.