I Resent my SAHD

[Changeynameyname]

My OH took a new job when our baby was just a few months old. The old job had a good wage but also a lengthy commute. The new job pays school leaver wage and was working in his friends shop. He assured me that a pay rise would be after 1 year and the job was secure.

11 months later he was made "redundant" from the new job. He is now unemployed and stays at home with our toddler. He is looking for a new career but nothing has come about yet.

I utterly resent him! I am forced to work 50+ hours in a very high stress job. I see my toddler for an hour a day at the maximum and have to work 7-10 days in a row for a day off. I was supposed to be signed off sick for stress and anxiety attacks but had to return to work instead.

The resentment stems from the fact that he has never financially supported me at all. We have always split 50/50 any outgoings. This was incredibly tough when I was on SMP for 9 months. Now he is on JSA I am expected to pay 100% of everything so that he has spending money... Despite that it is only just below the SMP rate, that I was expected to live off.

I just want to run away and live in a bubble with my amazing toddler who I miss like crazy. I hate my OH for taking him away from me.

Oh and the shared maternity/paternity rights will come into effect next year so fathers will have the opportunity to share time at home if that works for the family in question.

The reason residency is awarded mostly to mothers of young dc is because they are usually the primary carer, not because they are female. It is almost always in the child's bests interests to stay with their main carer regardless of gender and courts like to keep the status quo- unless there are there are other issues if course

Re: not being a SAHM if DP didn't agree. You wouldn't. People do though. What are their partners options? They don't have any. If they were in a relationship that the SAHP valued they wouldn't be in that situation.

Once again though, DP here is not a SAHP, he's unemployed and looking after DC while he is looking for work.

OKaaay fifi. You seem determined to misrepresent and avoid the actual issues on this thread. Changey has done far more childcare than him. The courts would take that into account.

However that isn't the issue. The issue is his attitude to the relationship and their financial situation.

I did comment on the financial aspect but that was overlooked.

Pretty sure if one parent is main carer for the first 3 years and other for the next 2, they would go on the current status quo and not length of service.

What do you mean people do? You discuss all this in detail before you have a child together. I do know a couple of women who struggled with the emotional side of returning after mat leave. Both their husbands were sympathetic. One had to go back because they needed both salaries but went down in hours a year later. The other couple moved to a different house with lower outgoings to enable her to sah. Neither of them as far as I know just presented 'not going back' as the only option telling their husbands to take it or leave it. That would be a very extreme POV-leaving your marriage rather than work it out together.

Surely a lot of the prob is the long hours you work - 7-10 days for one day off?? Is it shift work or something?

Can you negotiate something more suited from you employers?

Then see what DH needs to do to facilitate this.

I'm not discussing leaving him yet. Please I know it has to be a possibility, but not yet!

He is doing amazingly well in terms of the house role... But he doesn't really have much of an option. He has gone not being able to put a load of washing on, to now he is a house proud cleanaholic.

We are not married and all assets are mine, I received good financial advice before I met OH so I am in a good position to stay afloat. He is 10 years older than me with only a clapped out car, a guitar and a washing machine to his name. Yes I earnt a lot more than him, but he didn't want shared finances (I now know because of debt) so that's the way it stays.

In terms of my employment here there is no wriggle room to change hours. If I did I would drop pay grades and then there wouldn't be enough money.

I agree that he potentially has been unfairly dismissed but he will not pursue the matter. He can't see past their old friendship. He had had a couple of interviews but nothing had come from them. He could do more in terms of looking but he is the type of person to shut down the more he is pushed.

I know people in RL that have done so against their partners wishes. I don't think leaving is extreme. If your partner said he was going to be a SAHP while you worked and nothing could change their mind wouldn't you be wondering what kind of relationship you're in?

I think this is derailing the thread now anyway....

Of course leaving is extreme! The OP has said she'd like to try and encourage him to see it from her POV. They have a life and child together. Of course leaving us extreme unless there is DVD or EA involved.

The OP is very clearly and understandably upset at needing to leave her child. That's not at all unusual and maybe she just needed to rant and get it out. Telling her to 'suck it up' is a little unfair.

Bloody phone! DV not DVD

he is the type of person to shut down the more he is pushed.

Presumably the reason you can't tell him that as of now he'll be living on the same amount of money you were when you were on SMP.