What would make you 'cut off' a sibling? They'd have to have done something really bad to you right?

[ScapegoatSally]

What would make you go NC down to not even sending Xmas cards/birthdays cards for their DCs, your nieces and nephews?

Really just trying to figure out if I deserve being cast out as I have been!

I can't think of anything but then I don't have a toxic family.

Primarily from the threads on here, for somebody to go NC there's usually a history involved, it doesn't happen over one isolated incident. In some cases it can be a lifetime of mistreatment & favouritism & just downright being a bastard.

You'd think it would have to be something really bad but that's not my experience. My DB with whom I've rarely had a cross word just dropped out of sight for a few years around the time my DS was born. No drama, just didn't hear from him. Missed DS's early birthdays, failed to visit our dying grandmther in hospital.... big mystery. Reappeared several years later like the prodigal son and as if nothing had happened. I can only assume he was having some personal crisis rather than it being a personal slight.

I did for 7 years, my brother didn't even meet my DD till she was 3. I didn't invite him to my wedding, he didn't know where lived for a long time. I am not going to say what he did on an open forum but it was unspeakably bad and my dad died not speaking to him and my mum had to move house because of his actions. I could never have imagined anyone behaving towards family the way he did frankly. I only allowed contact again because I could see he had made considerable lifestyle changes and it keeps my mum happy. I will never ever forgive him still though and we go months without communicating.

What's your relationship like with this person generally? What are they like with others.

It would have to be something big
Like sleeping with my dh
money seems to be a cause of a lot of family feuds especially when inheritance is involved
Or not pulling your weight with elderly parents
Drugs, alcohol addictions, or being an intolerant twat when it comes to sexual preferences etc

Agree with Cogito. My sister hasn't spoken to me for the past three months. No big fight, no falling out. Before that, she started slowly reducing phone calls and contact and I used to panic. Kept asking if everything was ok, but just received the usual platitudes.

Maybe there is something she has to work out in her own life, but why that would preclude talking to her sister is beyond me. Anyway, I am dumping all over your thread OP.

But yes, you don't need fisticuffs to fall out with a sibling.

Have you asked your parents? Or someone else in the family that might know?

I don't know. Perhaps nothing terrible had to have happened. Sometimes people just don't enjoy a relationship so won't encourage it, even if it isn't particularly bad.

What has happened OP, what did you do?

Never been close to my brother, made efforts when we had ds (no interest), then when he got engaged. But hes an arse to our frail parents, and is rude to me when I do things like tell him they are in hospital, so I have no interest in contacting him in any way.

We live several hours apart, and away from parents - and he only drops in for 10 mins every 5 months (despite spending days at a time at his wifes family close to parents), so no snubbing/blanking

I went nc with one brother when I was pg. I was abused as a child by a foster sibling, and he still keeps in touch with that person. I still feel like what he does is unbearable, and whilst he is entitled to talk to whoever he wants, i feel like it is massively disloyal and disrespectful to me. We talk occasionally now - mostly for the sake of all our kids.

My other brother went nc with us all many years ago, he occasionally makes comments on fb if we write a status that appeals to him, but it can be years before we hear from him. Ironically, me and my mum look after his kids for him, but only deal with his wife.

I went nc with one brother when I was pg. I was abused as a child by a foster sibling, and he still keeps in touch with that person. I still feel like what he does is unbearable, and whilst he is entitled to talk to whoever he wants, i feel like it is massively disloyal and disrespectful to me. We talk occasionally now - mostly for the sake of all our kids.

My other brother went nc with us all many years ago, he occasionally makes comments on fb if we write a status that appeals to him, but it can be years before we hear from him. Ironically, me and my mum look after his kids for him, but only deal with his wife.

No, I never stole a boyfriend/DH, borrowed any money (never, never asked for any help from any of them even when we were made homeless nor was it offered), never drank, took drugs or any criminal activity. Never even got into any arguments with them .

What I did was confront my mother about the abusive childhood I suffered and met my real father after 32 years of NC (family folklore was that he was a monster now I know different). Not one of my siblings (there are 7!) has contacted me since even though they knew I was going through a nervous breakdown after the death of my DD and losing everything financially.

I still can't get my head round it and it has been 3 years. My mother is NC with me too and I can understand that as I now understand her fucked up way of thinking but I can't understand the rest of them.

We cut dhs sister off. So not officially my sibling but I have known her since she was a bump and she spent a lot of time with me until she was around 19/20 when we went NC. It's even almost a year now and I don't send her child stuff at Xmas or bdays as we just think it will give her an opening to contact us.
I've listed some of the stuff she did below.

Stole our dead child's hospital bracelet.
Stole a phone and sold it.
Spread vile malicious rumours for no reason.
Told me my brother was dealing coke. Completely untrue.
Made sexual comments to my ds and inappropriate sexual comments about my 8 year old dd.
Made a false report to social services, the social worker came out and instantly knew it was false but it was still very traumatic and heartbreaking. I knew it was her because the sw read out the report the person had taken on the NSPCC line and the stuff was ridiculous. Such as my dd needed glasses because she slept below my other child who wet the bed and it had dripped into her eyes and damaged them. Also that they shared knickers rather than have their own. They actually shared a knicker drawer.
We were NC at this stage and she decided to turn up with a car full of people and threaten us as she didn't like us ignoring her so the police had to come and remove her.
I do not know what I ever did to the girl. I gave her money, I took her in, I bought her prom dress and made sure she was fed,warm and safe whenever she needed looking after.

The rest of them cut contact probably because they would themselves be put into the firing line as you were and face their mother's wrath if they did not. They want to continue the family's inherent dysfunctional ways.

You are now free of them. Honestly you do not need such people in your life anyway if they are prepared to do this to you. You do not have to give them any headspace now.

If they betray you, lie and hurt others in the family.

N/c continues due to continued poor behaviour. Sometimes you've got to prioritise your own mental health and well being.

I've gone NC with a sibling a few months ago due to a series of sustained extremely rude emails. I don't even know why she sent them. I thought it was one thing but she informed me in no uncertain, and certainly unpleasant, terms that I was wrong.

Tried to keep patient and explain and talk but 1) she literally read little I wrote that was positive and anything that she did read she utterly twisted to use in a hateful way. Quite extraordinary - an invitation became an opportunity to throw shit and abuse. 2) she tried to analyse me in depth and tell me what I was and wasn't and none of it was good (and honestly, I truly don't recognise myself in her descriptions. Either I don't know myself at all, or she was just ... I have no words). 3) the sheer number of poisonous adjectives.

Eventually my husband asked me when I was going to draw a line and it was blatantly clear there would be no real communication. It feels like she deliberately or unconsciously tried to manufacture a quarrel and break all communication by behaving in a way that was non-stop intolerable.

She just wanted to blame and hate me and I do not know why. It still hurts me and puzzles me a lot because I've literally done nothing and I just do not understand it and I wish it hadn't happened. Due to the particular circumstances it was nearly impossible for me to to do anything to upset her.

Just no explanation.

--

ouf, that's been haunting me for many months now. Feels better to actually write it down!

Attila you are right of course but the pain of it is unbearable sometimes.

Recently my brother has refused to talk to me.

We used to be very close (albeit at opposite ends of the country) but he has always been a bit self absorbed.
I've made some life choices he doesn't like (was in an abusive relationship and he couldn't understand why I didn't just up and leave) but we stayed close.
I have 3DC and he thinks he won't have any as his last relationship broke down recently. (I supported him through that - emotionally and got him legal advice)
I phoned him up a week or so after he hung up on me and said I didn't understand why he was ignoring me and would like to sort it out with him.
When I said I didn't understand he just said 'that's part of the problem'
We'd had a couple of cross words on the phone - he'd said something a bit cutting to me and I'd replied 'I don't need you giving me shit - I get enough shit from DC's dad' so I thought it was that.
Turns out it's actually because I didn't gush enthusiastically enough about a contract he had got with a national newspaper. I congratulated him, but it wasn't enough.

So that's why.

I've called him and sent messages but am going to leave it for now. I feel like I don't know him anymore and I'm sad he's cut me off over something trivial (he still sent the kids presents at Christmas but missed DC3's birthday just after)

He has form for this - he cut my mum off for years because she didn't ring him enough. (He didn't call her either)

Sorry that's long but it feels good to write it down!

So it doesn't have to be much, ime.

Although I suspect he's having a bit of an emotional crisis himself so we'll see.

My brother has actually cut off me and my other siblings. He has come out with all sorts of stuff that just isn't true - like we don't bother with his kids - totally untrue!! He has said we are a bunch of bitches and are dead to him. Flabbergasted tbh. I know reading this youwill be thinking you must know, I would be, but I honestly don't!!

Well to put a different perspective on it, I am vaguely pondering "stopping bothering" with one of my sisters. She never phones me, it is always me phoning her, and she never asks about my DCs or DH and I beyond "So how are you all, all right?" which you cannot answer other than "er yes." Talks interminably about her own DCs, no interest in mine. Obviously she loves her DCs more than she does mine but she seems to believe that I love her DCs more than mine too, IYSWIM. Asked my DD one question only the last time we saw her - what school year was she in? (She is very knowledgeable about school years so was basically asking DD how old she is.)

I am just fed up with it now. I expect if I stop phoning we will appear to have gone non-contact, because she won't bother to ring me. She might start to wonder "what she has done to warrant this?" and the answer will honestly be: "well nothing really. That's the problem." It's not that I don't love her - I do very much. It's just that if this was a relationship with a man people would be telling me "He's just not that into you. Give up" and that's what I feel like doing.

You've challenged the accepted family narrative, sally - it's easier for them to ignore you than to actually face the fact you might be right.

Sorry you ae going through such a horrible time.

I went NC with my B and SIL shortly after my marriage broke up over a year ago. They both let me down at a time when I really needed their support. My SIL especially betrayed me by ringing my Mum and slagging me off - this knowing how unhappy I was in my abusive marriage. Big mistake, my Mum wasn't impressed and told her so. SIL and I ended up having a huge row (just what I needed at the time ) and both said a lot of hurtful things - that was the end of our once very close relationship. When I look back I can see how toxic and malipulative she is. She is NC with her whole family and I never met any of her friends. It was actually my friends who were invited to their wedding! Not one single member of her family attended either.

Interestingly me and my brother are now back in contact. I regret not trying to build bridges with him earlier but during our argument my SIL had told me things he had said which have turned out to be lies. I am now supporting him through their marriage break up.