very worried about elderly mother

[MrsMiniver]

Mum (82), Dad (86) and brother (55) live together. Mum keeps everything together and is a servant to my dad who is grumpy and suffers from debilitating OCD and my brother who can't work because he's depressed, bitter and twisted. I visited yesterday with DD (14) who ended up in tears because of the atmosphere - she loves her grand-parents but hates the situation.

Mum is an enabler and waits on them hand and foot and never stands up to them. I know she'll never change and I'm worried sick her health will fail (she's currently fine). I do what I can, call everyday, visit weekly etc but feel impotent to really help. I feel at a crossroads; should I try to do more or just stand back from it as I have my own family to think of?

It can be hard but if your mum is happy to continue as things are then she won't make any changes.

When you say you want to do more, what do you mean? Do more what?

Ok,so unpick this.look at the facts, and look at worries/what ifs
Mum,keeps good health. Her Primary activities are centred around dh and son
Brother has a mental illness,this will likely impact on his motivation,mood
Dad has chronic OCD impacts on mood

If your mum has chosen to act as carer,and isn't compelled,or coerced that is her choice

You can refer mum to council fir a carer assessment, google council social work.call the adult team ask to make carer referral.they'll ask you the details. Your mum will be assessed, and discussion of needs,pattern if caring. If your mum declines input she can't be compelled to accept it

On individual level, what do you want to happen?
Do you feel overlooked or excluded
Clearly there is issue about your brother,your terminology is derogatory

Realistically you cannot change this situation,unless your mum wants a change

You can refer for carer assessment
I'd ask for a benefit assessment too

I agree with the PP that, if this is their normal way of living, all you can do is offer a listening ear and moral support. Doing more, I fear, would end up with you picking up where she left off. Look after your own immediate family.

This all sounds not too dissimilar to my ILs set up.

My counsel would be to stand back from it, concentrate your efforts on your own family instead.

Set your own boundaries re them and raise them a lot higher as of now; you do not have to call them every day for instance or even visit them weekly. It is not your fault they are choosing to spend their lives like this.

I would not be exposing either myself or my child to such a dysfunctional family unit as often either. They all get what they want out of such a dysfunctional relationship.

You cannot do anything to change their situation and they will not thank you for telling them that their lives are dysfunctional.

Thanks so much for the replies, they've given me food for thought. OTM I have no idea really, I suppose I just want it all to improve and feel that I can help, but as you all rightly point out, there's not much more I can or should do. Mum talks about the situation constantly (but doesn't moan) and being a fixer, I want to fix it. Seems sensible that I should just listen instead without offering advice.

Mum would never accept any outside help, so for now the situation will likely stay the same. Scottish yes, there's an issue with DB, I feel he's ruined my parent's lives (as well as his own) but must try and stand back from that also. But it's hard when my dad asks in desperation "what are we going to do about him?"

Will certainly take your advice Attila and keep DD's exposure to the situation at a minimum. I'm a single parent and feel I've overcome a great deal to provide a solid and happy environment for her to grow up in - can't jeopardise that. Learning that I can't change anything will be quite a relief.

And forget to mention, am terrified that I might indeed have to pick up where mum leaves off in terms of looking after DB (very worried about what will become of him when they die, he has nothing). I can't allow this to happen, but would feel awful knowing that he couldn't care for himself.

If your mum is chosing to be carer and decline support,she can't be compelled
Your brother has an illness.it'll have affected every aspect,he's not working.his quality life may well be poor.
If your dad need support with brother he can call the gp or if brother has mh involvement call that team

You cannot fix this
You can suggest alternatives
I'm not sure it helps to conceptualise it as brother ruined own and parent life

So you need to decide what your going to do?what involvement if any do you want
Ease up on being angry at brother and your parents

You're tying yourself up in what if knots
If circumstance changed you'd ask for assessment brother needs,you'd liaise with gp and mh team
But this is all what if, I see no value in worrying what may happen.

You could even find that, once his servants are no longer there, your DB discovers he can look after himself after all.

Thanks Scottish. I want to be involved to ease the emotional burden on mum and despite what I say about DB, really want him to be happy. Deep down I do love him a great deal.

That's a shocking post cogito.they're carer by choices.servitude is enforced
read the posts,parents are carer by choice,apparently will decline any support
You have no idea about the extent or impact of the man depression of his prognosis

Disgusting

Hadn't considered that help would be available when DB ends up on his own Scottish, will try to quit worrying for now! Don't be too hard on Cogito, mum hasn't really helped by effectively rendering him helpless, sure she has her own issues too (co-dependency).

Anyway, can see that I've been trying too much to control the situation and will attempt to handle things differently from now on. Thanks again.

You're easily shocked scottishmummy :) AFAIK 'bitter and twisted' is not yet a medical condition.

But it's hard when my dad asks in desperation "what are we going to do about him?"

I do not wish to be unkind but there is clearly nothing you can do here.
Coincidentally enough my FIL bleated the same question to me, but one time too many. In response I told him that he was also responsible for his son being like this and that it served him right that he was now stuck with him. He stood there silently and said no more.

Problem is neither one is strong enough individually to stand up to their son and they just do not work together as a couple. What you are looking at here is really three individuals doing their own things and pulling in three separate directions.

You also need to reign in your fixing tendencies because they really are of no use at all in such a situation. All three of them get what they want out of their relationships with each other; infact they are all as bad as one another really.

Could you take your mum out for a treat sometimes? Tea, hairdo, manicure, walk in the park, shopping and lunch?

If I was in her position I would value that.

Sadly the bigger stuff is unfixable.

"And forget to mention, am terrified that I might indeed have to pick up where mum leaves off in terms of looking after DB (very worried about what will become of him when they die, he has nothing). I can't allow this to happen, but would feel awful knowing that he couldn't care for himself".

Mrs M - you need to concentrate your efforts on your family, not your parents and brother now. What they do and have done is up to them.

It may be that your parents will leave their property to him. What becomes of your brother is really no concern of yours; neither one of these three have really put themselves out for you have they?. They are too self absorbed to notice anything else. Your mother chose to martyr herself; she made a bad choice but she made that choice all the same. No-one forced her to become her H's and son's servant; doing so makes her feel important and most importantly needed. She gets what she wants out of this.

You're spot on about my mum Attila. Like your idea Matilda and she's a different person when she's out of the house.

There's no role for you regards the caring or your brother.mum is clear she wants to be carer
All the what ifs,well deal with events as they happen,you're assuming you'll be carer?why
Your brother may chose other options.and given you admit there are difficulties between you two!he may not want you as carer. He has rights,choices and a voice too