what can i do?

[happyjacs]

I'm in a bit of an impossible situation and a friend has directed me here in the hope someone could possibly help resolve the situation.

My and my husband got married in 2012 and I'm done. I can't go on. My Life sucks, he does nothing around the house apart from the odd cleaning spree every month or so. He does the occasional load of washing that he then leaves in the washer for hours meaning that it need to be done again.

I don't love him. We have 2 young kids, a daughter of 15 months anf a 3 month old son. He has put my feelings down to post natal depression but I don't have depression, I'm happy with every other area of my life. This is dragging me down though.

My daughter has health issues and he ignores them, she has an eye condition so needs extra care with things like food and you need to watch her like a hawk when she's playing as she can fall over very easily. He doesn't, it's like her problems just doesn't exist and this is becoming dangerous. His idea of averting a tantrum or her being upset is to feed her crap, chocolate, crisps etc. Anything but deal with the situation. I hate it, I want to keep her as healthy as possible as she could need an op soon and I don't want anythingto happen to her.

The main problem I have is that hhe won't leave. The house is in both our names but my housing association will re do my tenancy so it's in my name only. I've had this conformed. Its just a quick form from him and its done.

He says he won't leave the kids, he doesn't want to miss anything. I've offered him daily contact, 2 hours on an afternoon and 2 nights with him putting our daughter to bed. Doing bath time with our son. He says that isn't enough.c

He says he might leave when the kids are older, but hes not sure. I can't go on like that and I'm sure as hell not going to leave them with him.

Is there anything I can do. I've tried so hard to make him see that I can't go on like we are and I've said nearly every night since xmas that I want a divorce and for him to leave.

We no longer sleep in the same bed or have anything to do with each other in the couple sense and I don't want my kids to grow up in a world where mummy and daddy don't have any physical contact or show any affection.

What can I do???

You can divorce him. You don't need to wait until he leaves to do that. His lawyer will probably advise him to stay in the house for as long as possible during the divorce but sooner or later he will have to leave.

The other option is to leave yourself and take the children with you but your lawyer would almost certainly advise you to stay put.

Yes, if you want a divorce and he's not taking you seriously, you'll have to get legal advice and start the ball rolling. Always sad when things end.

If I leave I would never get rehoused as I would be classed as making myself homeless, so that's out of the questions.

A divorce is tge easy bit but it's getting him to leave, I can't go on looking at him every day. Its killing me that my kids are living in this situation.

I need time apart to g et some head space too but he won't even go for a weekend or a couple of days. I can't go anywhere as my little girl gets unsettled after a few hours as she doesn't recognize things and I feel uncomfortable trying to make sure areas are safe for her, that's probably me just being very uptight and precious but I don't want her to get hurt.

So that leaves me stuck in the house apart from the fewhours of toddler groups on a wWednesday and Thursday afternoon. :(

Yes, if you are sure, start divorce proceedings. And why not offer 50:50 with the children?

I hope you don't mind me asking, but why would you not go to counselling with him? Nothing you describe seems to be splitting-up behaviour.

Why don't you go away for the weekend, leave your daughter with her father and get the space you need?

Log, i have suggested counselling when I simply felt wobbly towards my feelings for him (I've been open as Ican about my feelings etc tthroughout our relationship) and he said it was ok and he would do what he could to prove he was going to change but hes just as bad, if not worse.

He says 50:50 care wouldn't work either as he couldn't ho a day without seeing the kids, he says he couldn't get up in the morning without seeing them (which I get but come on!!) Argh.

Maybe leaving for the weekend would be an idea but at the same time I'd be stressed wondering if he is filling her full of crap food but I know that would happen if he did actually leave too. I'll give that some serious consideration. I'd have to take my little boy as he is breastfed but hes happy as long as his bum is changed and he can have boob!!

I think you have to show a little more compassion. It's gut-wrenching to be the one that gets told 'it's over' and of course he's going to miss his children. If you're serious about divorce and you're not just using this as a threat to get him to shape up (which would be very cruel) then you may find counselling could be useful to get you from 'bad marriage' to 'good split'.

He's talking out of his arse saying he wants to stay for the children when he isn't doing anything to keep her safe.

i think you should go to counselling

Cogito, I will suggest counselling again and see if it helps us work through the split. I'm not threatening to divorce, I thought it would be easier to deal with it all if he wasn't here but if. Its not possible then I'll just have to do it.

Imperiel, so far this morning while I was making breakfast for us he wasn't paying attention and she crawled into high chair. His computer was obviously more important. Luckily she only clipped her shoulder and was happy after a cuddle but still annoying.

Thank you all for your input, its been very helpful.

I agree that counselling sounds like a good idea. I can't see what problems there are that couldn't be surmounted with support, discussion and effort.

You sound very picky to me. Washing needed to be redone after a few hours in washing machine? What sort of eye condition needs no chocolate? You sound as if you have got a bit bored with your relationship and now just want OH to bigger off and leave you to have exclusive relationship with kids and him to lose home and life with kids. Why do you think you are the only parent to make decisions about your children'sdiet. Lots of perfectly well looked after kids had small accidents in the home. That's life except for those smothered in cotton wool.