So I couldn't carry on

[Upsethusband]

A while back I started a thread after I found out my wife had been having an affair before and after our wedding with one of my friends. I thought it might be good to post an update and ask for some more advice.

I decided to separate from my wife, the pain, the betrayal and the lies were too much. I felt that I never really got the truth and it would never be the same again. Many people said stay together for the kids but it feels like a lame reason to me.

It is still hard and she moves out in a few weeks but things are improving. Whilst I won't be with her I know I will miss her and the thought of being on my own for the first time in many years is daunting.

We have agreed to share child custody and I am changing my work arrangements to do this.

We now have to tell the kids, any advice on this would be gratefully received as well as how to protect the children once we are living apart.

Thanks as ever.

How old are the children?

I remember your thread. What a time you've had :(

Fwiw I think you made the right/the only decision.

Protect the kids by being matter of fact and open. Let them ask questions, share their worries, and give age- appropriate responses and reassurances.

Someone (cogito?) posted a while back on a thread on not staying together for the children ... What seems to be the most important thing for the children long term is how gracefully and aimiably it can be done in a very difficult time.

What to tell the DCs will depend on age. My best advice is to answer any questions as honestly and age-appropriately as possible, tell them it's a grown-up decision, (not a decision they are responsible for or one that they can influence), and that they are and always will be your top priority. Older children (teens) might insist on knowing the reason for the split or they may have overheard something. Tread carefully and don't dump. For younger children it's not really relevant

Any age, they will be mostly worried about what will change for them, so as many things you can keep the same -friends, school, activities - the better. They will feel secure if they have structure and predictability going forward - phone-calls at the same time, visits on the same days. Do your level best to bury the hatchet and be civil with your ex whatever happens. I think what I said on a previous thread was that parents should behave with 'good grace'... no airing of resentments or asking children to take sides.

My daughter is 4 in a month and I expect she will be fine, my son is 10 and is the one I am worried about. He has definitely overheard some heated discussions but nothing which will tell him what happened.

My wife and I are now getting on okay, the arguments are over and we are working together for the best of the kids.

We have agreed join custody, has anyone ever done this? We are thinking alternate weeks. From what I have read shared custody is best for the kids.

Joint custody is a good thing. What's best for the kids, as I said earlier, is that they have stability and structure. So if alternate weeks means they can keep up with school, friends, activities etc then that's a good move. The time to avoid sticking to a rigid 50/50 is when it causes the DCs disruption to their schedules. Do you all still live local to each other?