why is it that people living with an abusive partner cannot see it do you think?

[jimijack]

I am very frustrated with my dsis as is our mum.

Her partner isn't physically abusive, it's more a mental and emotional abuse.
We can all see it, it's so obvious and yet sis really genuinely can't.

They have been together for 17 years and have one child, he has always been this way so it's kind of the norm for her I suspect.
It's bad at the moment though.

So upsetting and frustrating. Why does she not see how draining and bleak her life is with him?

she feels caught in a trap and there is probably another nicer side to this man behind closed doors which is keeping her there, she is probably also in denial :-(

How awful for you to have to witness this OP. It's almost like asking someone in the throws of an addiction to give it up. Theyre in denial for many countless reasons.

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:

•She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
•She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
•She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
•She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
•She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
•She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
•She may not know where to go.
•She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
•She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

There is! He is a very witty and funny chap. I mean very very funny and great company.
That to me though doesn't counteract the horrible side to him.

Low self esteem .
Im sure she sees it but as soon as she acknowledges it she has to DO something right? So because she's ground down and paralysed its easier to pretend she sees him differently.

To raise her self esteem praise her for her achievements. Strength. Empathy.

To make her feel brave and to make her feel change is pissible , risk is possible, go abseiling or something.
Just show her what its like to be loved not judged. Think WELL of her.

In answer to your last post:-

Abusers can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

BUT she is a force to be reckoned with! She is a very strong person who takes zero shit from anyone which is why it's so mindblowing that she puts up with his shit.

She can go to my mum's nearby, there is loads of room there.
She works and would have no issue walking away from the house/mortgage.

Do you understand the difference between self esteem and ego?

OP, you could be describing me, I thought I took zero shit, its a façade, it's acting out when you have no control at home. She doesn't want to admit he's an arse.

I just listen to her really. Just listen without commenting as sometimes she rants about him and what he does.

I have gently suggested that actually she doesn't have to put off with it. That was a couple of years ago though.
She looked shocked and muttered about him not being all that bad.

Spot on Maeve, I had an ego the size of mars.

So did i tinks. If somebody took to long to serve me in a bar i got angry but at home i was choosing to remain in a situation where i was disrespected.

I really recommend anne dicksons 'a woman in your own right". It helped me see a lot of things clearly. finally

A close relative stayed with a man (no kids) and fibbed and fibbed about was happening. There would be an incident and every one would rally around and then she would make excuse after excuse for him. Her parents were worried sick and it caused a lot of tensions in the family.

In the end the family decided only she could decide what to do. We would be there to support her but we needed to leave her to decide - eventually he kicked her out and although there was a huge amount of family support I dont think she learnt a thing from it

I couldn't see it.

The bits I could see I ignored because it was easier to tell myself that no one is perfect than it was to address it because you know that if you see challenging it through to the end, it's going to change everything and you don't know what that will look like.

So fear of the unknown.

Fear of failure.

Fear of being alone.

An unwillingness to be the one who ended it and, therefore, the 'bad guy' when you're only doing it because of the other's unreasonable behaviour.

Fear of disrupting the children's lives.

Fear of breaking up the family.

Few people are bad all the time.

My exh was incredibly supportive at times (it's only since he's gone that I've realised his support was actually just another way of controlling)

He was funny and witty.

We enjoyed debating and analysing and deconstructing 'stuff' - he was great to talk to.

He made me feel safe (but only because he'd made me dependent on him).

He was great at cooking and household stuff (and no one's perfect)

It's hard to say because now I know I'm a completely different person, but I just couldn't see it at the time.

as women we develop another technique to deal with situations and one that isn't pleasant, as in an ego (fight fire with fire so to speak). I remember my father putting me on a pedestal, in order to stay on that I had to tell him I was big strong and powerful, I wasn't at all of course but practically became this to please him.

Sorry OP, not usurping your thread just trying to help you understand what your sister is doing.

Jimijack, maybe u could be like a psychotherapist! Instead of joining in with ooh and ah, he is dreadful, hear her out , then count to three in your head and say "do you think you will react differently the next time he calls you names?" (Eg).
Without judgment or frustration make the conversation about her. Calmly, slowly, quietly, one mississippi two mississippi three mississippi... what message do you think he gets from you staying together no matter what he says to you. Then just listen.
She will ask herself tougher questions if she feels you arent questioning her.

Also..... because my x wasnt 100% bad, i felt i owed himmore chances. I didnt seem to grasp that i could end a relationship simply because it didnt feel right to ME

(Apparently) if you throw a frog into boiling water it will jump straight back out again - if you put the frog into water of a normal temperature and gradually heat it, the frog will stay until it boils to death.

I think the above (whether or not it is true) applies to numerous situations.

I read a book once where someone said, "It was easy for them to say what I should do, but it was all around me. I was in the belly of it and I couldn't see it from the outside because I was consumed by it."

I think there is a lot of truth in that, as well.

x

Probably a large portion of "when we're good, we're really good" with a side of pride (don't want to admit to people she's been "taken in" by a man who isn't what she thought he was.

At least, those were my reasons for staying with an abusive ex.

they groom their victims! They totally and utterly build up trust and bond so when the person starts to become cntrolling the person is blind to it. It is a slw process and they are worked on over time.

Maybe she does know deep down, but feels it's her fault and has decided that's shes made her bed and now has to lie in it. That's how I felt. I didn't want to admit to being wrong (again) I felt a fool and people would judge me.

'Strong' women.. IME... stick with a challenge long after others would have walked away. You see very often here that someone says they have 'invested' a lot and don't want to give all that up. A strong woman used to solving problems and arranging fixes will keep on trying to flog that dead horse... some go to great lengths researching MH issues, seeing if they can find a rationale... encouraged perhaps by flashes of niceness that keep them optimistic. There's also personal pride at stake. If she admitted he was a knob & ditched him now, what would that say about her judgement in the past? The fear of 'I told you so' can be very offputting.

Salami tactics. A little bit a a time so it becomes normal to be abused and when the abused picks up on it, the abuser is just nice enough to make them doubt themselves.

Abusers are very good at distorting the victim's sense of normality. It doesn't take long for many victims to become utterly convinced that the abuse is their fault. I think it is, on some level, a survival mechanism - it is an attempt to give a small sense of control over the situation ("If I can just be less clumsy, less loud, less stupid, he won't get angry").

All nonsense, of course. It's never the victim's fault.