Blip or Over, how do you tell?

[Erimentha]

I am having some serious doubts about my marriage, nothing has happened (no abuse, affairs etc) it just feels like we both want completely different things out of our life and just aren't that compatible any more. My husband is my best friend, but I just don't feel attracted to him at the moment, mostly I just feel frustrated and annoyed with him. Again not caused by any particular thing but a build up of all the small stuff over years that now just leaves me seething over something really quite small. How do you know if its just a blip or if its over and you are better off going your separate ways? We have been married 10 years and have 2 dc so I really don't want to initiate anything if it's not the right thing, but i just don't know what the right thing is. I don't want to fuck everything up for everyone and risk ruining everyone's happiness but the thought of this being it for the rest of my life makes me feel so sad. I want so much more, but even if I break the family apart there is no guarantee I will be any better off and I could end up feeling even worse. How do you know what to do? Or at least what do I need to do in order to decide what to do for the best?

Sounds like you should explore counselling as a first step. People who feel the way you do have sometimes lost their way, stopped communicating properly & got in a rut of the petty and domestic. It's all just one big drudge. When was the last time you sat down together and had a proper, grown-up, honest conversation about emotions, opinions or plans for the future? When was the last time you both felt excited and enthusiastic about the same thing? Do you know if he feels the same as you do or, if he read what you wrote above, would it come as a massive shock?

How would i go about accessing counselling and is it expensive? We have talked about this many, many times over the past couple of years that i have felt this way. We spoke the other evening again, but not in full candid detail as i really don't want to hurt or upset him unnecessarily. I know i need to figure out what it is I want, and i guess talking about it will probably help that but as soon as he gets upset i feel guilty and end up papering over it and saying it will be ok because i don't want him to feel bad because he really doesn't deserve it. I know he feel the same way i do about a lot of it, but i don't think he feels quite so stifled and at wits end about it. Though a few months ago he was at the point of talking about ending it himself for the same sort of reasons. I honestly can't remember the last time we were both truly excited and enthusiastic about the same thing, erm we were both looking forward to the new season of Sherlock but proper things it has been years. We just don't seem to like the same things (aside from tv shows) any more.

Relate is the obvious one. I've no idea about the cost, sorry. Talking helps but a trained counsellor can help you structure the conversation so that you can both be open & honest with each other whilst, at the same time, avoiding it getting instantly personal/hurtful/upsetting.

Other ideas. Do you spend any time together just as a couple? (No kids basically) What first attracted to you... you don't have to tell me... and can you attempt to recreate those conditions? IME reminiscing is a very good way in to talking about feelings. The sentiment of 'remember how great it used to be and how can we get back to that?'.... is more constructive than 'I feel stifled and you're not helping'.

What sort of small things? Do you both get time to relax and do your own thing? Do you get much time together?

Is it a case of you've been busy/tired so haven't put much effort into the relationship side of things (by which I mean both of you not just you) or is it more than that?

The OP is describing 10 years where low level resentment/unhappiness has built up on her part to the point where she 'seethes' over relatively small things but where she is not willing to speak out properly about what's bothering her for fear of causing unnecessary hurt or upset to the DH. Secondary to that are the usual guilt traps ... fear of breaking up families, selfish for wanting better, upsetting the kids, unrealistic expectations.

I don't get the impression that either the DH or the OP are unreasonable people. However, lack of assertion, reluctance to communicate (or lack of opportunity) and repeatedly avoiding the subject & backing down are all leading to the feelings of being stifled and at wits end.

Honesty is risky. They may find it brings them closer or they may discover they have nothing left and it is better to part ways.

We have had marriage counselling together twice in the past which doesn't seem to have helped much overall. I think in the short term i really need something for me in order to decide what it is i want before we can even try counselling together again.

The only kid free time we really get is in the evening as we don't have anyone to babysit. In the evenings all we end up doing is watching TV, though its got to the point where i don't really want to go out just the two of us because we have nothing to talk about and it feels akin to that uncomfortable silence you get when you are with someone who you don't know very well and you're struggling to make conversation with.

I can remember what it was that attracted me to him in the first place, we were just so young that i feel like between then and now we are completely different people and i'm not sure we can get that back again. It is something to think more about though and to try and recapture.

I think what it is mostly coming down to for me is what i want from my life and the things i want to do are not the same as what he wants from his life and the things he wants to do. I mean the big stuff here not like what to do of a weekend, though even that we have completely different ideas on what to do. Even personally the things i would like in a lover just don't seem compatible. He is such a wonderful person, like i said before he is my best friend, the one i could and would turn too with anything but it just feels like that's all it is now, a friendship.

How young were you when you got together, how old are you now and how much of your adult life have you spent independent ie. not in a relationship?

17 when we got together, 28 now and none.

It's just my observation but I think people change most between ages 16 and 30. So picking a life partner at 17 is very risky business because you can be very different five or ten years down the track. Some people get really lucky, do the exact same thing and end up happy for sixty years. Sadly, from what you describe, I don't think you're one of those couples. Like you say, you're friends but you've grown apart to the point where you are incompatible. There's even a term for it 'starter marriages'... hooking up with your first serious boy/girlfriend after school/uni and being divorced by 30. Sorry not to be more cheerful for you