Should I warn my ex?

[RedchairBluechair]

An internet dating question, help please.

I am a man who split with his ex some time ago, and although it was a bad ending –she had an affair –I am at the point of not wishing her any ill-will. We are both on the same internet dating site.

Last week I met a lovely woman who is recently divorced from a difficult marriage. Her ex husband had met up with their daughter a week before, and the daughter realised from how her mother had described me that the daughter’s father was seeing my ex, because my ex had talked to the father about me. The father and my ex don’t know about the mother and me.

The woman I have met is extremely ethical (committed Christian -forgiveness etc) and says she wishes her ex husband a happy future, and will not give me any gory details of their marriage, but I did learn two things. One is she thinks he might have an undiagnosed mental illness (she is not medically qualified so this could be her conclusion from years worth of living with him). The other though is more serious –she strongly implied he had been abusive, no details.

Should I pass this on to my ex? I would not like her to get into a harmful relationship. If he is abusive towards women it’s not something she would ever pick up until she was into it.

Committed Christian doesn't mean that someone is pure of heart. Given that you've only known the woman a week you seem to have been treated to a huge amount of very personal information, all of it negative, not to mention a staggering piece of detective work worthy of Hercule Poirot. I would be very suspicious of anyone acting that way having known me only a week.

That said, nothing to stop you (assuming you are amicable) asking your ex how things are going with the new boyfriend

There is more to this than meets the eye.

Any women genuinely concerned for the welfare of her ex's new partner would not be giving hints. She would straight out say "I think your ex is seeing my ex. He is abusive and I am worried for her, I think you should talk to her about it"

My gut feeling is that she sought you out deliberately and is shit stirring to break up his new relationship. I would be warning your ex about her not him tbh! But I agree with Cogito that you could ask.

Ooh.... very good. Hadn't thought about the angle of tracking the OP down deliberately but I think that makes a lot of sense.

Right back atcha Cog!

I'm a bit confused. If you only met her last week, how did the daughter realise who you are when seeing her dad the week before that?

How long has your ex been seeing this guy?

Agree with bogyeface. Stop seeing your date immediately. Call your ex and tell her what you know, encouraging her to get back to the plenty of other fish in sea too.

Poor you! What are the chances. But seriously, I think you and your ex should steer well clear. This other couple sound frankly very frightening.

Also - warn the dating site.

Did this woman make the initial contact with you through the dating site or did you contact her?

If the former is true, then I'm sorry, but it sounds like this woman is using you to scupper her ex's chances of beginning a new relationship.

Some clarification, what I know anyway. I first contacted the woman on line, in early December. We have had a lot of on-line contact and phone contact, and exchanged a lot of personal information. We would have met earlier but for work/ family/ Christmas/ geography commitments, so that’s why we only got to meet in person last week for the first time.

I’m convinced she is genuine, in that she is not trying to mess her ex husband’s life up. She sat on the information for a week before telling me, was embarrassed to tell me, and would not be drawn about her past marriage problems.

I do not know how long her ex has been seeing my ex.

The daughter had been told about me by her mother. The way she then picked up on the fact that her dad was seeing my ex was that her father described me by name, job, and country of origin- and her mother recognised me from that. The daughter lives outside the UK and has since gone home, and would not now contact her father to pump him about a specific date and I do not think it appropriate that she be involved anyway.

So I think I’m left to make my mind up whether to talk to my ex, and what to say.

If I do, it might cause problems between me and the new woman (or between her and her ex, after all they will always be parents of their children) who I would like to see more of, but if I don’t I might be allowing my ex to get into a relationship with an abusive man.

This all sounds very bizarre and I would be running from the woman tbh.

As an aside,isn't the first rule of dating not talking about exes?!?!?!And you'd clearly gone into great deal before even meeting and,to add to the bizarreness,her ex and your ex had shared info about you with the daughter,randomly.

None of that seems normal to me.None.And I wouldn't be surprised if something is amiss

Ok so my theory was wrong but there is still something very wrong here. If her ex is abusive why not just come out and say so instead of alluding to things and dropping hints?

I would be throwing this one back, and tell your ex about what she said, you may well find out that what she has told you about herself is not the whole truth.