girlfriends ex husband obsessively texting?

[candyce83]

Hello all i am new here?

Here is some background info, I have been in a 2 and a half relationship with my girlfriend who has two boys, 4 and 7. She was with a man for 15 years and they are going through a divorce. Things have been somewhat amicable between him and I, however when those two fight, he will ring me or text me constantly and forward her messages to me. i don't read them and i don't respond. He has also been known to ring her mum.

Last night I was out with some friends(which doesnt happen often) and he text me 13 times as him and my girlfriend were fighting. I didn't respond once. Then he sent me a picture of the boys eating pizza and watching movies?.i thought to myself, is this supposed to make me think wow what a great dad?all the while he's obsessively texting me and sending horrible messages to my girlfriend?

I am at my wits end, I had to leave my friends because i felt so shitty. Their fighting really gets me down and causes so many arguments between me and my girlfriend. I feel sorry for the boys as they can hear them shouting on the phone at each other or occasionally have a full blow argument in front of them.

My question is, why is he doing this to me? is it to cause trouble? my girlfriend told him yesterday the last time he came into the house screaming it caused a massive problem between us to the point of me leaving for a week and then he does it again the next day by dragging me into their issues!!! Why would anyones ex contact their exes current girlfriend about their problems other than to cause problems?

Should I write him an email telling him what i think? he is obsessed with how he looks to everyone else. anytime he takes the boys away he pawns them off on his family and one time he left Ds, the 7 year old, in a tent on his own at a festival while he was with some woman in another tent. He claims he just wants to be a good dad, but he's constantly changing the weekends he has them(obviously he wouldn't do the same for us) for plans with his new gf and xmas was a joke. he sat on his arse and watched what he wanted on tv and didn't once play with them.

Please help i am so frustrated!!!

Oh so good parents make their children pay for their own emotional immaturity? Righto

There are many types of abuse and this pair regularly screaming and fighting in front of their poor children are being abusive. If you don't agree you're as bad as they are.

I'm not sure she's ready for a new relationship but you clearly love her and want to try.

So in the example you gave there he came in the house, you were totally right to get the boys out of the way. Your GF is partly right in that you should defend her but you are both wrong in her carrying on an argument with him in the house. What you both should have done is focussed on getting him out of the house (by calling the police if necessary) without him sidetracking her into arguing. Once out of the house he should then have been ignored.

Somehow you need to help your GF see that the best mindset is for both of you to disengage, not try to defend her or win the argument - you can't win as for him the win is that you continue to argue. The only way you can win this game is not to play it.

Talk to the police/get legal advice re harassment.

But first you and gf need to agree with how to deal with situation. Without that I'd say your relationship is screwed. I'd not be ok if my partner engaged so much with their ex and treated the kids this way. It's all unhealthy

Switch the phone off?

Turn off/unplug your phones when you are alone with the kids in the house.
Deny him access because of his threats of suicide and keep repeating that all contact must be done thru a 3 rd party i.e. solicitor and don't answer when he calls.

If he comes round to cause trouble ask him to leave then call the police and get your gf to put up a wall between them.

Can you get an injunction against him harrassing you?

If she cannot do these things then I don't think she is ready for another relationship.

Remember it takes 2 people to have an argument if she can steal herself not to respond after a while he will get bored or up the stakes then the police can get involved.

You are not really defending her.

You are enabling her.
And as such you are enabling emotional abuse of her children. Think about that one for a moment.

You have mentioned your DSS name (please contact MNHQ to have it deleted)

Change your number or block his number. He is using you to try to 'get to' his Ex through you.

So its my fault that they both yell on the phone in front of the kids and he came into the house shouting and screaming once?

I have told her countless times to ignore him he will never change but she can't for some reason. Not my fault.

So I should just leave and let them carry on as is at least I'd be there to remove the boys from the situation. I work so I cannot be there when this sort of thing goes on. Cuz this NEVER happens in my presence and when he came into the house I removed the boys and told him to leave and to both grow the f* up.

Not you responsibility.

Report them to social services if this continues. Take legal action against him.

It is a big red flag that you think YOU need to be there to protect your girlfriends children because she is incapable.

My guess is that they were behaving the same volatile way when they were married.

Are you not worried she is going to turn her focus on YOU if she ever stops yelling at her ex?

If I were you OP Id be very concerned as to why exactly my girlfriend was engaging in contact and arguments with her ex. Theyre finished - contact can be via email if its not possible to be amenable on phone. As it is, her ex is very aware that he's destabilizing your feelings and your relationship. If your girlfriend wont put a stop to it you have to accept she is into the game her ex is playing. For yourself - there are callblocker apps you can download for mobile phones

OP. I'm assuming you're a woman , if that's correct?

If so, I think part of his problem is that he doesn't respect your relationship with your girlfriend as you are not a man. Coming over and sleeping on the sofa. Constantly texting and calling you etc. I'd bet he wouldn't do any of that if you were a man. It's like you are his ex's friend and he is trying to involve you in their arguments, rather than seeing you are in a relationship and her partner. I would assume he is having trouble getting his head round the fact her new partner is a woman when they've just been together for 15 years too .

How long have you been together?

Your girlfriend needs to take some drastic action and put some boundaries in place ASAP.

You and your GF must cut off verbal contact with him. He can only communicate by email -- say that you will promise to respond to messages within 3 days i.e. not immediately.

Allocate him weekends when he can see them, if he doesn't turn up then tough shit.

quin….absolutely…I am taking his job aren't i? yeah it was worse when they lived together. I will not be able to leave until i reach breaking point. I am in too deep and clearly not strong enough to leave otherwise i would have done long ago. I love her kids and i am very attached to them. I cannot help that.

Yeah mumtobe I am a woman…and yeah I totally believe he thinks our relationship isn't real and that he definitely wouldn't be doing this if i was a man. I mean who wants to hang out with their ex and her new gf although I believe that was to stay close to her. I just hate that he pretends to be my friend.

Her and I have been together for 2 and a half years. I ended up in hospital cuz I had a nervous breakdown due to stress and their fighting was a factor…she promised that she would make an effort not to fight with him…which didn't last long. I am starting to lose respect for her lack of boundaries…

I don't contact him at all and i don't respond to his texts. they are constantly fighting about the boys. She wants him to change regarding the boys but she's wasting her time he is who he is and that will always be a package deal…im sick of hearing the same story over and over again. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR SOME PEOPLE TO GRASP NO CONTACT?

Put your foot down, as so far you have been unbelievably passive in all this. Most people would not put up with this. Really, who would accept a GF having their ex sleeping on the sofa?? You either tell your GF she has to change her ways including stop all verbal contact for a start, or if that's too much for her then it shows how little she respects your feelings above her own and her ex's, so get out and find someone who will make you happier, you don't have to put up with this kind of baggage - unless you enjoy the drama too, which I'd guess is not the case as asking on here.

If you are a person who puts being in love above being treated with respect to the point that any level of poor treatment will not be enough to make you end a relationship, then you are a person who has a problem and will always be at risk of being taken advantage of. Perhaps some counselling for yourself is required, so you can understand why.
You dated her for 2 years while she was living with her husband still from what I gather. See nothing wrong with that situation? Perhaps your GF cuts him a lot of slack as it seems she left him for you, so there is guilt there. You had an affair with a married woman, perhaps no surprise it's not been plain sailing since. Question is, does your GF see her current relationship as on the same level as her previous one?

Do you not feel that YOU to an extent are being abused by both of them, in this?