Daughters useless idiot ex.

[Gaga123]

My dear daughter has 2 beautiful daughters, upon whom all of their grandparents dote. The issue is with my daughters ex. They have been seperated for a good few years and last may after having the children for the day he refused to bring them home and kept them overnight. Having been a regular drug user and drinker for many years, and having been talked down from railway bridges on more than one occasion after threatening suicide, we were understandably sick with worry. My daughter decided to re-assess contact arrangements after both of my grandaughters flat refused to see their father. Even at 10 years of age the older one has a very strong moral compass and realises what a complete loser her father is. I must add that my daughter and ourselves never talk badly of the father to the girls. Our problem is the father is now pushing through the family courts to get access to the girls and they are digging their heels in and refusing to see him. The courts, contact centre etc, seem only to believe his side of things and believe his story that my daughter is poisoning the girls against him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. We are at the end of our tether.

Perhaps the courts and contact centres can see something that you don't.

I don't agree with the previous poster. I just think you may get more help in the legal section.

Exh took me to court as he wanted the boys when he was working to leave with his gf or family (who live a distance away and the boys only see irregularly) which I wouldn't agree to. I found the process stressful but the outcome was good for me and my dc and has helped in the end really.

I used a direct access barrister rather than via solicitors and she was fab. Well worth the money and I don't really have any spare.

I think your DD has to be pragmatic about this, take proper legal advice and then abide by any decision. Digging in of heels sets up a very confrontational situation which won't be helping matters at all. She needs to get to a compromise solution.

i've been in an extremely similar situation to your daughter (are you my mum?!) and it's so frustrating but they do seem to think that a relationship with both parents is in the best interests of a child even if the child disagrees. you'll get some better advice on here from people with more knowledge of 'the system'.

I see my grandaughters curled up in a ball refusing to see their father in the next room, picking holes in their clothes because they are so upset. My daughter never says a bad thing about their father, and always when he calls, asks them very nicely if they would like to talk to him. Their reply is always a clear no or shake of the head.

when xp and i first separated and ended up with shared care of dd, she had to be physically pulled off me as she was so desperate not to go to her dad's. it was truly horrendous and i honestly feel for you and your family.

I would suspect it is the age of the DC, the eldest is ten and the officials would probably take her views into account but not the younger child

The officials are programmed to keep contact going for NRP

Does he ever not turn up for visiting or mess about over contact?

All comments are appreciated and considered, but its my grandaughters digging their heels in, and when they are sat in the car quite literally screaming because they have to go to the contact centre, forcing them seems so wrong. This man` verbally abuses my daughter on the phone, and has had countless partners over the years, some of whom after a mere month, he has left caring for the girls whilst he was out drinking. The list is endless. Does anybody feel that my daughter just refusing to talk to the father and giving him my grandaughters mobile numbers would be a quick fix ? That takes my daughter out of the loop and the little lovelies get to make their own choice wether to answer their phones to him. Surely the courts cannot force my daughter to talk to him. All of your comments are very much appreciated ladies. Thank you very much.

The children are in a no-win situation and that's why they are exhibiting such an extreme stress response. They will want to see Dad but they know - even though she never says bad things - that this causes their Mum anxiety. This is too big a decision to leave to a 10yo.

Good thinking Cogito. I did think though that if they thought mummy was happy for them to have thier own phones and talk to daddy freely, and be in contact with him without mummy knowing, it takes mummy out of the loop. We do have a feeling that most of this is to do with him still wanting control over my daughter. He has two daughters elsewhere in the country both with different girls and he never tries to contact them. My daughter is such a good mother. She refuses to date men at the moment because she knows the girls have seen that their father sees relationships and women as disposable commodities, and my daughter doesnt want to fall for someone who may just up and leave after six months or a year, giving the girls yet more bad ideas how relationships should be conducted. As the Idiot exes parents say. "You wouldnt trust him with your pet hamster" ACGRAC.

Mummy has to be fully in the loop or they will feel disloyal and this will add to their distress. Yes, he almost certainly is trying to control your DD and it is very unfair on everyone involved that he behaves the way he does, but she has to find a clever way to manage this so that the DCs are not landed with thinking this terrible choice of Mum over Dad is theirs alone. That is going to mean, as I said before, taking good legal advice and then being seen to be fully cooperative with the courts.

I would turn up to the centre for visits and not facilitate any further, I would not answer the phone to him - why does he need to speak to her between visit anyway? I would let him phone a separate phone that is plugged in at home and stays at home for the dvc to talk to him (keep it at home so he never spoils trips or outings )