I apologise in advance. This may be long and jumbled.
My parents divorced when I was 11. I knew all along my dad had an affair and moved in with the OW. My mum didn't make much of a secret of her hatred for them and me and Dbro were almost encouraged to slate our visits there and slag off my SM.
My dad was a good dad. He was a shit husband but he was a good dad. He was the one who tucked me in, told me off, bought me treats. I'm sure DM must have too but I don't remember it. I just remember how horrible she was about it and to his credit he very rarely made any comment about her.
For a long time I've hated him. I've seen him occasionally but it's always been awkward. A few months ago my mum told me she had had affairs as well. For 15 years she's had me believe it was all my dads fault they divorced. That she put up with it for the kids but it was his fault they split. My dad has never once said anything about my mums cheating but I'm pretty sure he knew.
Why did she tell me? I'm doubting everything. When I was 15-18 I was abused by my then boyfriend. I was pregnant at 15, DM and DDad arranged abortion. DM then told me she had had one a few years back and my dad had made her. When I split with the abusive bf she asked why. I told her be used to hit me and her response was "oh I didn't know". It's not been mentioned since.
I hate her. I'm not even sure why. It's like she tried to destroy every fucking childhood memory to the point everything was blurred by the fact my dad was probably cheating every holiday. Every Xmas etc.
I was horrible to him and my SM. SM deserves most of it as she was toxic but even my dads family think he was the bad guy cheating and DM was the poor woman who had to put up with it.
It's all come into my mind tonight. I have no idea why. I just needed to get it out.
She didn't care that she was ruining my relationship with my dad. She didn't care i had been abused. The termination wasn't mentioned until I fell pregnant with DS and she said "oh I suppose it was bound to happen as we didn't let you keep the last one"
I've been a shit daughter to both of them. I've borrowed money I'm trying to pay back, I've become nothing like what they wanted and I barely spoke to my dad for years.
I want to go back. To scream that I know it's not all his fault. To tell her I'm not a pawn, I could've been a nicer person instead of always trying to find fault with my dad and SM.
Why would she tell me about her affair? I don't get it. We're not especially close. I don't remember her being there exactly. She moans sometimes that I'm not affectionate but I don't know how to be. I don't remember her being so.
I'm questioning every part of my childhood and I don't even know why. I've been in tears all evening and it doesn't make sense.