I think that I want to break up for good

[Dollslikeyouandme]

I think that I want to break up with my boyfriend but need some support, and I don't really have any in rl.

We've been together for quite some time. But he's never committed to me, he lies a lot, has gone behind my back, and has let me down.

Of course he can be a great guy too a lot of the time.

He's supposed to be moving in with me in a few weeks, and a bit of me thinks it will never happen, and a bit of me thinks perhaps it would be a mistake anyway.

In an ideal world I would like to get married, have another child, but I just don't see it ever happening with him, he isn't really interested in those things. I think he's only moving in because its kind of gone on for so long that its got stupid that we haven't taken the step.

He's gone out tonight and it's caused a row, not because I don't expect him to go out, but because we were supposed to be doing some decorating and sorting a few things out in the morning and because he only bothered to confirm this at 7.00pm, I was waiting for him to come over and we'd get a takeaway (usual Friday routine), I've realised he must have known all day as he's taken his shirt, but he just tells me last minute. Then he tells me he 'can't be doing with me and ds in the morning when he wants a lie in'.

I don't think that we're on the same page at all on life or on the same wavelength.

Thinking about it most nights he just sits there playing on his phone, I try to speak to him, he mostly just grunts at me. He isn't even that interested in sex lately.

His sense of humour winds me up, I like stand up comedians, sitcoms, dry/sarcastic humour. I know that not everyone shares the same sense of humour but he struggles to even crack a smile. I know it's not just me because everywhere I've worked I've always had a real tummy aching laugh with people.

The sorts of things he finds funny are for example, we were watching a thing about Robbie Williams, Robbie (who I dislike) said to a journalist who was waiting for him along with others, well he went straight up to her and said 'fuckin ell your tits are massive'. Well dp thought it was hilarious, I just thought it was some inadequate twat trying to humiliate a female doing her job.

He lies in front of people a out things that we've discussed and makes me look like I'm mad.

There is lots that I love about him, but I don't know, I don't think he gives a toss about me really. I think that ds deserves better and stability.

But I don't know if I'm very good on my own, I have to admit I don't want to be single, but I know that isn't a good enough reason to stay in a bad relationship.

Thanks.

If you have such strong doubts, please don't proceed with him moving in until you don't.

Tbh, the thing that stood out most was that he planned to go out tonight then lied about it. I can't stand liars and feel if they'll lie about one thing to get what they want then where will it end?

Thank you, I know you replied on my other thread but thought I'd start another a bit more clear.

I can't stand lying, I know everyone does it to a point, but to me he does it far, far too often and unnecessarily.

I've gone off on a tangent a bit about the sense of humour. But it's just to me laughing is so important. And sometimes I just don't get how he doesn't find anything funny. Like nothing at all.

Is he German?!!!

Know what you mean. We do comedy gigs when others do theatre trips instead. Love to laugh.

No he's English. Don't get me wrong I don't want him to sit watching comedies night after night, but even when we're out and someone says something hilarious, he just looks blank.

I wouldn't mind going to the theatre either but he's not interested in that, or the cinema, or films at home.

I can even live with that, but in an ideal world, well I'm of an age where is like to be thinking about another child in the next couple of years. But he's not interested.

He sort of did a half arises attempt a proposing a while back, I think only because I was pressing for commitment, but I'm fairly sure he isn't even interested in actually getting married, every time I approach the subject he just says 'yeah we will'. If I ask maybe when, or where he just shrugs.

It not as though I would ever want a fancy wedding and he knows that, I'd be quite happy to slope off somewhere and do it on the quiet.

He's just not interested.

What shall I do? Should I go round and have it out tomorrow? Send him a text explaining how I feel?

I'm fairly sure that he will just say he's done nothing wrong, it's all me and any problems are in my head.

It doesn't matter what he says, whether he accepts your reasons are valid. If you want it to be over, it's over. If you don't want him to move in with you, he doesn't get to move in with you. These are choices you have the right to make, based on your feelings which nobody else in the world is in a position to argue against.

As a side issue, I'm intrigued as to how he is going to manage sharing a house with you if he "can't be doing with you and DS in the morning". You're going to be there every morning for ever afterwards; what will he do, sleep in the shed? He'll be grunting at you while playing with his phone on your sofa every evening. It really doesn't sound very promising.

Any man that tells you he can't be doing with your son in the morning because he is going to be hungover needs to be binned.

The comment about ds was really unkind, although not surprising, I often feel as though we're just an annoyance to him.

I just don't know where to go from here, up until yesterday I was all for giving things a go, though I had my doubts.

Now I've just got this horrible sinking feeling that I don't really know what to do with.

You're trying to line up tangible, specific reasons for ending it in your mind because you know he'll argue the point and treat it like a court-room drama. Truth is that all the reason you need is that you're incompatible. You're different people (too different), you don't like the same things and your ambitions for the future are too far apart too work. As the PP said, if you say it's over, it's over. No more explanation than that is needed.

Obviously, don't move in together. And to make sure he fully appreciates that the relationship is over go no contact after the split except for the practical stuff to do with your child.

Well I've noticed this morning that he's taken a load of his more valuable stuff so guess he was planning on breaking up with me anyway

Sorry OP...it's probably for the best that he does leave you to it...he sounds like an idiot, don't waste anymore time on him.

All the more reason to get in there an do it first!

Cogito is right, the only reason you need for ending a relationship is that you are not happy.

It's the way he just doesn't tell me though, instead skulks off with his things and engineers an argument.

Please do not move this man into your home. I can't actually see what us right about your relationship. Hold your head up high, he is not good enough for you and you need no other reason, nor even to give him one.

With all these doubts, red flags, differences you would be stupid to let him move in, get married or even contemplate having a child with him.

Raise your bar, find a man who does want to spend time with you and your DS (I read your posts as though he is not the father to your DS), who you share similar things with.

Don't try and fit him into an image of what you want him to be. He is showing you what he is.

OP are you hoping, on any level, that by saying 'it's over' you spur him into action and turn him into a better person? Are you using it as leverage for change, in other words? Or do you really want it to be over? Be clear about your motives.

I'm not sure honestly Cogito, I have told him it's over before and it does spur him to change maybe for a few weeks/months. But then it almost feels as though he just gets bored of me.

I think I know it needs to be over, and I'm sure long term ds and I would be better for it. But I'm finding it hard to imagine getting through a break up, worried it will take a long, long time to get over, worried that I'll never meet anyone else, never have more children. So it's a case of better the devil you know?

I'm so transparent.

I just really want to do the right thing by everyone, mostly me and ds.

There's a bit of a pattern you see, he engineers an argument and we break up, he then after a few hours/days/weeks begs for forgiveness, promises everything, I resist, then in the end give him 'one last chance'. Things get much better for a while, then I can feel him building up to do it again like a time bomb waiting to go off.

oh god sounds like a trial rather than a relationship.
you know you don't want this for the rest of your life.

you're scared right now but it will turn out fine.

I know there's a pattern because it's clear from your 'I think' ...I know it needs to be over.... that you're really not convinced. Your problem, as I see it, is that you've become hung up on what I call 'doom scenarios'. You're imagining all the very worst things that a break-up might result in and this is causing you to either freeze & do nothing or you get back with him, weakening your position and earning his contempt every time you cave with another 'last chance'

Dealing with the doom therefore.

• Break ups take time to get over.... Yes they do but the time taken is shorter if you initiate the break-up for good reasons.
• You may never meet anyone else.... why would that be a bad thing? Is settling for someone you don't really like better than being alone? And how are you meant to meet someone else if you're saddled with this one?
• You may never have more children.... How does having another baby with a man you don't like make the man more likeable?

Courage.

Dolls, reading your thread I'm wondering what's happened to you in your life to even consider that this relationship is the best you'll get. You're obviously bright, capable, have a sense of humour, etc...you deserve so much more.

Being on your own isn't so bad you know. And it's unlikely it'll be for long. Hey, you might even meet someone who wants to go to the theatre and shares laughs with you :)