Problems with my parents

[Trinpy]

A week ago I made plans with my mum to meet up for lunch today. They live fairly close by but I haven't seen them since Christmas as I haven't been well recently. Purposely made it into a mother/daughter meet-up because I didn't want my dad coming along and then being bored. Whenever I've invited my parents over to my house it's been clear that my dad has no interest in seeing me or dh and is just using it as an excuse to go to the supermarket down the road from our house. They came over just before Christmas and he spent the whole visit asking my mum when they could leave (so he could go to the supermarket). Afterwards my mum rang me to apologise for his behaviour. It's like this everytime they visit. We wanted to pop over to see them on Christmas day to exchange presents and my mum told us to come over anytime, just call before we leave to make sure they were home, however my dad insisted this would be too 'chaotic' so we arranged a specific time AND called before we left home to double check it was still ok. When we got there the atmosphere was really uncomfortable and we ended up leaving after 10mins. I thought today we could catch up properly without my dad there.

This morning she texted me to say she'd told my dad she was meeting me and he now wanted to come to (to go to the supermarket - not to see me!). So the time we could spend actually talking would be limited to however long it took my dad to do his shopping. This also meant that they had to bring the dog because it was too long to leave her at home on her own. The cafe we originally wanted to go to for lunch was now out of the question because there wasn't enough time and I didn't want them in my house for reasons I won't go into right now. Plus I knew if she was away from the supermarket she would spend the whole time checking her watch and saying she must get back to the car soon as dad will be waiting. So our lunch ended up being a quick chat in the car with a takeaway sandwich.

I think my dad's behaviour is getting out of hand and she's enabling it - it really upsets me that she would rather let me down at the last minute than say no to my dad, though I know I might be overreacting about this. I really want to talk to her about itbut I'm currently a pregnant hormonal mess and keep bursting into tears whenever I try to. She knows I was disappointed about today because she explained that she has to invite my dad along when she comes to see me because it would be rude not to, but she might be able to sneak over for a cup of tea one morning next week before my dad wakes up .

I've been concerned about her for a while now because she's always so stressed and when I spent a couple of days at their house last year she barely ate because as soon as she came home from work my dad was nagging her to take him out somewhere or do something for him. I think she's lost quite a bit of weight over the past couple of years. I hoped this would change after she retired at the end of last year, but it seems like her days are being filled by doing even more for my dad. For example, she spent most of yesterday driving him around various supermarkets while she sat in the car waiting for him. She complains about this to me a lot but I keep quiet as it's their marriage and not really my place to say anything.

What should I do?

Omg that was an essay! Sorry! This has been building up for a while.

Is your dad not working? Does he have mental health problems? Dementia?

Couldn't fit everything in my op as it would be even longer, but he is retired. He's 80 but I don't think he has dementia. He does have mental health problems - depression, anxiety, paranoia and he is a hoarder (hence the constant shopping). He has had these problems pretty much his entire adult life and has refused most attempts from me, my mum or his gp to be helped. That's why I feel a bit mean to get so upset about this because I know my mum is probably hoping that if she does what he wants he will stop being depressed.

Your Mum has retired, her life is going to change dramatically. Instead of taking up new hobbies, she is supporting your Dad's mad supermarket jaunts. All you can do is help her make some choices and value her time.

A few questions though, why don't they come into your house, why was there a terrible atmosphere at christmas and why is she afraid to spend time with you alone?

They do come into our house normally. The only reasons I didn't want my mum to today was because 1) Normally when she drops my dad off at the supermarket first so she can come to my house to see me and dh, she spends the whole time checking her watch and worrying about getting back to my dad - I thought at least if we sat in the carpark she could see when my dad came out so wouldn't keep doing this. 2) the dog would have to come in the house too; dog was a bit wet/muddy and very hairy and poor dh had only just cleaned the house this morning. He does most of the housework at the minute and has been looking after me, I really didn't want to make more work for him.

The atmosphere at Christmas was down to my dad constantly saying to my mum 'shouldn't we be having dinner now?' 'shouldn't we be doing xyz now?'. It wasn't a horrible argumentative atmosphere, but it was clear we were making him very uncomfortable by interrupting his routine, iyswim.

As for your last question horsetowater, I really don't know .

I would query again with a doctors visit re dementia/alzehimers. some of what you mention sounds very similar to my exmil who has Alzheimer's re the routines and repetitive tasks.

it must be very hard for your mum to change if she has lived in that way for a long time. equally hard for you to have to see your mum going through as a daughter. I honestly think he needs support which in turn will support your mum.

Thanks Minime. I think its unlikely that it is dementia. I'm not an expert but I do have a lot of experience of dementia and I think his problems are more related to the other ongoing mental health issues. The obsessive shopping/hoarding he has been doing his entire life - he has newspapers from the 70s, kettles that broke 20 years ago. The anxiety and paranoia has also been there for as long as I can remember -he has always had to have a routine, eating the same things on the same day every week, taking medication he doesn't need just in case, believing others are conspiring against him, etc. The depression got worse a couple of years ago as his mobility deteriorated due to a hip problem, but he is better since he had a hip replacement a year ago. He uses shopping as a way to make himself feel better when his mood is low.

So these are long term problems that your Mum is used to. You said she has changed and loat weight, is this since she retired?

No, she only retired a few weeks ago. Things got worse 2 years ago when his hip got bad and he could no longer drive so my mum started driving him to places. After he had the op he didn't feel confident driving again (and tbh I really don't think it's safe for him to drive anymore anyway) so she continued driving him everywhere. I think he got into the habit of her doing things for him in general because it takes a lot of persuading for him to walk to the corner shop or take the bus, he would rather she did it all for him.

Also she changed jobs 2 years ago and went from straight shifts to split shifts. In her old job she had a proper lunch break but in the new job she was expected to eat between shifts. So the new routine would be she would get up early, put out breakfast stuff for my dad, do any basic caring tasks for him, eat a breakfast bar on th go, come home at lunch time and often skip lunch so she could take my dad out wherever he wanted to go, cook dinner which she often wouldn't have time to finish then go back to work until 10ish. She worked 7 days a week doing this plus a second job. She kept getting migraines through the stress and my dad would still keep nagging her to get up and take him somewhere.

So sorry to hear about this situation Trinpy.

Realistically, there isn't a lot you can do, other than continue to support your mother.
It seems that at the current time, she is accepting of the situation, and can't really see a way out.
Would your DH sit and talk with your dad while you have some time with your mum? I know it's a big ask...

Thanks duns. I will try that .

Meant to say, she meets up with friends for lunch sometimes without my dad tagging along, so no idea why it suddenly becomes an issue when it's me!

There is a lot you can do for her, she is technically a carer now and ought to see about getting a care assessment for him. This will give her financial support and open up a lot of other services that might help.

Most areas have a carers support group that can advise someone like your Mum.

Thanks horse. I will look into it.

He's a nasty bully. You should confront him and stand up to him. He's bullying your poor mum.

Could your DP have a word OP? Maybe he would listen to another man.