Any tips on how to help a very stressed DH, please?

[calamityjane1]

My lovely positive DH has become a changed person over the course of the last few months. A major cause is that he has been very, very stressed at work. Also, I'm not earning at the moment (I'm freelance and contracts have dried up) and with his salary we have only just enough money to live on, which has been another big stress factor (although of course this is better than not having enough full stop). He keeps seeing the worst case scenario with everything – a common fear is that the business will fail and we won't be able to pay the mortgage. It could happen, of course, but it's not like him to see the negative possibilities all the time in this way.

I am pregnant with our third child and have had morning sickness throughout. He found this very difficult to deal with: I was so debilitated by it at times that he felt he had lost me. His reaction was to appear angry with me, which tbh I found pretty upsetting.

His very kind and supportive parents have offered to pay for a course of Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy (no way we could afford this ourselves!), so that is a good thing. How do I stay positive myself in all of this? One of us needs to be! I have pregnancy worries at the moment which isn't helping, but it feels like we are both so below fighting strength that I can't adequately support him.

Any advice or tips gratefully received! x

Have you thought about having some counselling yourself? There are some counselling charities out there that are not expensive at all.

My DH works long hours and also gets very wound up and stressed.

With advice from my MIL first and only time I listened I have learned to give him space/time at the weekends when he isn't working to pursue an interest away from the DCs and I. This has been different things over the years, but is invariably something sporty, and if he doesn't get to do it or is injured I really see the difference. He needs the release. Space away helps him to get some perspective.

Also if he is stuck in the house all weekend he does tend to reach for the laptop and start working. So I do try to engineer an outing of some kind, so he avoids that trap as much as possible.

Of course, in order to allow that to happen, you are going to need some support with your DCs. Can you line up one set or other of parents to help? And also maybe you can get a break?

And do you take it in turns to get a lie in at weekends or be on duty at nights? Something simple like a good night's sleep can help no end.

First thing, when the kids are in bed, wait unti he's stood up then you stand up too and hold both his hands, look deep into his eyes and tell him you know it's very very hard ATM the moment but that you love him desperately. Then you hold him in your arms until he breaks free, even if it takes 20 mins.

From there you can tell him that you need him to always share his thoughts and feeling with you and not to try to protect you from anything. Hopefully this will start off a discussion, let him talk, let him do the majority of the talking. If he stop talking, go back to hugging again and repeating how much you love him and what an amazing man he is and how lucky you are even if life is throwing shit at you both right now.

There is a risk that if you do this he will think you have gone stark staring bonkers.

Then you hold him in your arms until he breaks free, even if it takes 20 mins or he gets one arm out and manages to call the police

Then you hold him in your arms until he breaks free, even if it takes 20 mins.

Have to admit this would stress me out if I was the recipient of it. It would feel confining and suffocating. It would certainly start a discussion alright... one that started with "let me go!"

Ha, it sounds a lovely idea joysmum, but as a stressed out and overworked person myself, with a husband who is super supportive but waaaaaay more emotional about things than me... I would probably laugh at him or get annoyed if he did that to me.

Personally, when stressed, I find talking about practical support is the best thing. Some people stress for no reasons, others because they feel the burden of responsibility to make sure everything is okay is up to them. I am in that camp. Hubby sort of drifts through life, being super in touch with his big vagina, leaving most of the worrying to me. So when I am stressed, the best thing he can do is sit down with me to logically and rationally work through what I am worrying about, and agree team-based practical and pragmatic solutions.....

There is also a chance if he grabbed me in his arms I would flail about so violently to get away that he would lose an ear....

Exercise.

Walk round the block after dinner, go for a bike ride, get the heart pumping, the blood circulating.

It's well proven that exercise helps with depression and stress. Good luck, he's just worrying about keeping it all together.

This is just my own experience, it may or may not be relevant to your situation

Joysmum

From there you can tell him that you need him to always share his thoughts and feeling with you and not to try to protect you from anything. Hopefully this will start off a discussion, let him talk, let him do the majority of the talking. If he stop talking, go back to hugging again and repeating how much you love him and what an amazing man he is and how lucky you are even if life is throwing shit at you both right now

I know, from my own experience, that this sort of action can really make a difference. Albeit, what led to this was a slightly different situation to that which you are going through at the moment.

My dh was eventually in tears when I told him basically the same things that Joysmum said above. Actually, this was a little bit frightening for me as well - I'd never seen my dh reduced to tears like this before this.

He had always been one of these stoic people that, no matter what life throws at them, is always able to deal with it and cope with any problems. This may sound a real cliche, but he really had always been my ''rock'' to rely on during our marriage when we or I had problems.

This happened to us a few years ago and, when we were able to talk about it later, he said that it was only really then that he truly understood that I really did love him. At the time, him saying this did hurt me.

But then I realised that, while I'd always been caring and loving there had never really been a time when I really had to step up to the plate and make it clear that I had his back just as much as he had always had mine.

I know that sounds incredibly American and gung-ho but I don't really know how else to describe it.

It can be very difficult indeed for many men to talk about their feelings and admit that they are having problems.

It might not sound like much, but making him aware that you do still actually love him, even if he does lose his job, and getting him to talk about his worries will probably make a huge difference.

Then, after all the tears - from both of us - and me really listening to him once I had managed to get him to talk about his concerns I actually mentioned to him a few things that he had been doing that had been upsetting me.

As when the OP said it feels like we are both so below fighting strength that I can't adequately support him that is very much how I felt.

Actually, this is one of the reasons I've posted here. These are almost exactly the same words I used with my dh. I went on from there to tell him some of the things that I was feeling about his treatment of me and how it was making me feel. He was absolutely mortified as he hadn't realised any of this was happening.

From there he started making changes to help support me - started being the operative word - and I felt a lot stronger in terms of being able to support him in very concrete ways that were specific to our situation.

I don't know if this helps at all, but I've been in a similar situation and just wanted to give you a little bit of hope that there can be light at the end of the tunnel

Speaking as someone who missed the signs of extreme stress on her own DH, resulting in him havign a complete breakdown and leaving his family, I would advise you to take it very seriously. Men don't do well in talking about what they are going through.

I would suggest maybe going through signs of depression and making sure he isn't developing any of them.

I would suggest finding ways to balance the stress and pressure of life with some fun times too.

xx

Thank you so much, everyone! All your comments have really helped.

He has tried his best to be very supportive of me despite finding the morning sickness hard to deal with – getting up with our DC pretty much every morning as I was so pole-axed etc. For months we had to eat our supper upstairs in our bedroom as by that time all I could do was lie in bed (not that I was eating a whole lot!). It was just that quite often his resentment of the morning sickness would surface, which I found very hard as I felt like he was annoyed with me personally, not the situation.

DH is an extrovert type and I think I sort of disappeared inside myself to cope with feeling so rough – basically, he got really lonely and has been too busy working a lot/working away to see his friends, either. I don't think this helped with the other stresses and something just seems to have snapped.

I think exercise will really help, and time away from responsibilities, too. It will be interesting to see how it goes with the CBT appointment as well.

Thanks again everyone for all your kind and supportive words ;-)