My life is in a muddle. I have been married for 25 years and recently confessed to DH about an affair I had three years into our marriage. I am deeply ashamed of having had the affair. I have been reading about affairs and admit now that I was selfish and didn't think properly about the hurt it would cause.
It was twenty years ago and before DCs. It was a classic workplace affair in that something that began as a normal friendship developed into something inappropriate. DH found out that something was going on but I didn't admit everything at the time. I did completely stop seeing the OM and changed job. DH doesn't believe that there was not full sex (it is important to me to stress that).
I am ashamed to say that I followed the classic "cheater's script" in what I told, but I haven't cheated since and never would. The overall experience was a wake-up call to me. He doesn't believe that either and sometimes makes accusations that are completely unfounded.
He has been consumed by this and it has seriously damaged our relationship. Sometimes he is very nice but other times he has been verbally abusive (calling me names, etc) and emotionally abusive (eg, ignoring me for several days at times). He says that all this is because I have hurt him so much.
He now says that he wants us to split up and that I should move out. At other times he says that he wants us to stay together. I can’t work out what he really wants.
Am I being unreasonable to expect him to forgive me? Is it my fault, ie, because I have hurt him, that he behaves badly? Is there anything that I could do so that he would trust me again and behave nicely?
Can anyone help me to make sense of this muddle?