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Original poster

Dh has a 'crush' and I'm jealous.

16 replies

Mapleissweet · 10/01/2014 17:21

What do you do to control your jealous insecurities when you know that dh likes someone else.
I can tell my dh likes a colleague from work. I absolute know that nothing inappropriate is going on. I have seen the odd email and he is not inappropriate at all just friendly. But I can tell he likes her and enjoys chatting with her at work etc. They have no contact outside work.
He is well within boundaries but I know he likes her and I'm as jealous as hell. Doesn't help that she is 10 years younger too Envy

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 10/01/2014 17:30

Is it a crush though? My "best friend" at work is a man but we don't have crushes on each other. We just get along.

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 17:38

When DH and I have formed new work friendships with people at work, we've had chats about what we'll both do to make sure it doesn't cross a line. For example these are things we've done:

  • Talked positively about eachother to the friend
  • Restricted out of work socialising beyond what's needed to be polite
  • Made it a rule not to go to people's rooms when working away from home
  • Introduced eachother to the friend, without any huge expectation that they'll be friends too
  • Agreed not to moan about eachother to said friend
  • Talked about the friend with eachother, being open about what's being said and done.

We're pragmatic enough to know we'll find others attractive and that we're not completely resilient to getting attention from someone else. So we take steps to guard against someone getting under our skins.

I guess ultimately, we both know it's an individual responsibility. If I don't do what I promise, my DH can't do anything about it. Only I can.

So my approach would be to abandon any protestations that there is no risk here, because that's just too naive. Then move on to how he's going to manage the agreed risk.

Original poster
Mapleissweet · 10/01/2014 17:38

I'm not sure what you would call it. I can just tell he likes her by his body language if she is mentioned and by the tone in any emails. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't jeopardise anything, but I'm just jealous that another woman has caught his eye.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mapleissweet · 10/01/2014 17:42

We do talk about boundaries and he understands them and how easy it can be to slip into something and develop dangerous feelings. It's hard to compete with the excitement of liking someone else.
I know we all find others attractive. It's just when your dh sees that person each day, I feel jealous.

OP posts:
YourMotherChucksRocksInHull · 10/01/2014 17:42

Wow, leavenheath, your approach sounds like hard work.

OP, if you trust him, I don't see the problem. Though maybe getting to know her would help, then you'd have a better understanding of what he 'sees' in her.

Joysmum · 10/01/2014 17:45

How is it work?

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 17:49

Not at all. I think couples are quite mad to assume they can go on without having these discussions from time to time. Depends how open the communication is in a relationship though- and how honest and pragmatic you are about finding others attractive. DH and I have been married a long time and know eachother very well.

I think this more about him not trusting himself too much.

It's not a slight on you if he finds someone else attractive though. He's married, not dead.

It would be a slight if he did anything about it- to him as well, actually.

FabricQueen · 10/01/2014 17:58

Interesting posts, Leaven. I've had these kind of chats with my current partner although they are more of the view that there is no risk ever, whereas I take a more cynical view that attractions may happen and it's how they are dealt with that counts.

Blondeorbrunette · 10/01/2014 18:16

I doubt very much that mm think to themselves oh yeah, had that with the mrs when they are crossing boundaries. That's naive IMO. I imagine having a chat with your other half puts your mind at rest but that's it.

Op, this is a tough one for you as your husband hasn't given you any cause for concern. But they never do at first do they.

I would let him know I knew he had a crush but wouldn't make a big deal of it.

Blondeorbrunette · 10/01/2014 18:17

Had that chat with the mrs.

I hate this phone.

KikiShack · 10/01/2014 20:20

Blonde I think that's a pretty big statement to make about all men. I'd absolutely expect my DP to consider what we'd discussed and agreed re workplace crushes if he had one. Just as he'd expect me to. To assume all men would forget all about it in the excitement of the crush is very unfair IMO

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 21:20

Maybe you're assuming the chats are one-sided and purely concerned with men's fidelity Blonde?

Not the case here, especially as in our marriage I've been the one with more opportunities, partly because of the lifestyle my work has imposed.

I haven't ever thought 'Ooh yes remember that chat I had with Mr. Leav! I mustn't go to that bloke's room for a nightcap'

It's been rather more ingrained behaviour by that point.

PrincessScrumpy · 10/01/2014 21:36

Love reading this op, makes me feel less crazy - completely understand where you are coming from.
I really wish dh's friend would stop contacting dh even though she's engaged I don't trust her (although I do trust dh he's fairly niaive). She's done nothing wrong and I've never met her as he worked with her (if I knew her I might be less jealous and threatened). I put it down to me being a mummy and feeling the need to protect my family from anything I sense is a danger. To me she's a danger. Possibly all in my head but mostly brought on by dh never talking about her then leaving a fb conversation up that was innocent but clearly proved they were good friends. Dh knows all my friends and if I met a new person I clicked with I would tell him. Dh didn't see it as important... he does now :)

I had a very honest conversation with him, admitted I was being a bit crazy but it was how I felt. He decided to delete messages from her on fb which then upset me more as I felt he had something to hide. He thought if I saw him chatting again I would be upset. hmmm still not happy about it but really don't think anything has happened and he no longer works anywhere near her. Tbh not sure when he'd have time for an affair

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 22:08

I often see women on here letting blokes off the hook for 'naivety' when they don't make similar allowances for women.

The older I get, the less I believe that people are as naive as they claim to be or as much as their partners would prefer them to be.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/01/2014 23:56

Leavenheath

We do this, although it's not as formal. One thing we might need work on is informing each other where an approach has to be rebuffed.

It took 20 years for DW to mention she'd kneed my boss in the groin for groping. I then remembered being nippleflashed by one of her colleagues around the same time and there was a bit of a chill.

God, we were hot when we were younger.

Leavenheath · 11/01/2014 00:12

What I've written probably sounds more formal than it's been in practice. Once we had the first chat about this yonks ago, we tended to use a form of shorthand thereafter as anyone who's been in a long relationship will probably understand!

Oh and yes that last comment resonated! Unfortunately the suitors were hotter too back then... Wink

More recently, DH and I seem to attract the grandparents of our children's friends so the shorthand about those approaches has been shall we say, even shorter Grin

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