Moving on after separation/divorce - I have no idea how to judge any new relationships/men I am seeing. Do you do no compromise?

[Rovi]

Sorry for long title and I have name changed as ex-dh browses the site to see what I am up to sometimes grrr

I have started seeing someone having come out of a very long and lonely relationship 1-2 years ago.

I am in my 40s as is new man. We are very well matched, both my friends and his friends love the fact that we are together, we enjoy each other's company etc. etc.

The only issue is there are some hiccups, as you would expect in any relationship I suppose. What I am struggling with is how to deal with them. I think once you have been married and gone through the horror of separation (with kids etc.), you tend to be a lot more hesitant to dive into something new that might not be right.

I just find myself wondering how much compromise is normal in a healthy relationship. There should be some shouldn't there? I mean I shouldn't be expecting that absolutely everything ticks every box? Or am I kidding myself and if there are any hiccups now, I should be running for the hills?

How do you all deal with it.

Of course compromise is essential. It depends which boxes aren't being ticked and how much weight you're affording those which are.

What are the hiccups you are talking about?

well if I give you one example. I am out of those anally retentive people who are never late. If I say I will be back by 11, I will be back by 11 and if I'm going to be later, I'd let him know. He is one of those happy go lucky sociable types who gets carried away in conversations, is the life and soul of a party and if he says he'll be back by 11, probably at around midnight he'll notice it's midnight and call. I do find silly things like that wind me up a bit.

The other thing is that I work in a traditional 9-5 job. I have a long commute so I'm out of the house at 730 and back at 7. His work is totally variable. Sometimes he will be v busy, sometimes he has no work at all. When he has no work, he gets bored and he'll go to the pub with his mates at lunch time and often stay there all afternoon. He has had a v quiet start to January and hasn't had any work yet so for the whole of this week, he has been in the pub with his mates every single day. Now normally I am not bothered - I might pop in and have one drink with them but I've been busy and I'm quite tired. Normally he would come in and say hi after work (I live v near the pub he goes to) but he's not bothered to do that this week. I go away for work on Sunday and tomorrow he has his son for the day so I won't see him. I mentioned this to him and he said he was going to see me tonight but he had to drop his son's laptop off in town (it broke and was under guarantee) and now he has bumped into an old work contact (important for his work) and he might be late.

He sends loads of messages during the day to say he loves me. He's wonderful when we are together and I enjoy being with him very much. But he has a v full social life. I told him last night I wasn't sure he wanted to be in a relationship - he was absolutely horrified and said it wasn't like that at all. He loved me very much and loved being with me and actually wanted to marry me (but the divorces aren't fully through yet), I'm the woman of his dreams etc. but that he's been single for a while and it's an adjustment for him (as it is for me). I can see his point of view but I see these red flags waving about how much he is out...(if that makes sense!)

When I met my DH, we had both been divorced for a while and I had really similar issues to the one you have mentioned. In fact, it was worse. He was lovely when we saw each other, then would promise to call and 'disappear' for a few days. Eventually I would call him and he would always end the call with 'Is this time I've called good? I will call you again tomorrow'

After a few months I got fed up, wanted to break it off and he was really surprised I was upset...and changed his ways. He still has a lax attitude to timekeeping and housework (two things that are important to me) but he has realised they are important to me and has worked really hard at improving.

He had lived on his own for a long time and just wasn't used to someone else to think about. I am glad we worked it through and compromised as he is an absolute sweetheart in every other way and I am very happily married to him with a DD and another DC on the way.

My advice is to listen to your instinct and follow it.

congrats pixie!

yes, that is exactly it. He is the most lovely and kind man you could ever meet. And very attentive when we are together.

He told me last night he is going to try and turn over a new leaf but it's all an adjustment and he is trying. He did call me to tell me he'd be late tonight lol which is significant progress already I suppose.

Thanks for your advice. I too am used to being single and in a way, am probably acting more controlling than I am or even want to be.

I am, unfortunately, a very compromising person by nature. (Shouts of 'oh no you're not!' from anyone who reads my posts) But it's true. I know that, if I let the small stuff slide, it'll snowball and I'll be miserable. Post divorce, made a conscious decision to be very intolerant of faults, set high standards and was fully prepared to be single for the rest of my life. As a result (or maybe coincidentally) I can't shake the buggers off. :)

So my advice is to set the bar high. Aim for the stars and you might get the moon.

thanks cogito. I feel the same but having been single for a while before this, I do feel a lot more intolerant than I was 25 years ago (probably the last time I was single before the marriage!).

This dating malarkey is a minefield! Especially once you have kids, they have kids etc. etc.

I'm a great believer in opposites attracting - true of our relationship

I know if I met myself, I wouldn't find me attractive even though we would get on

It's generally true that we often assume the best in a new partner

But the issues you describe may not be important - and often things do need to be spelt out to fellers so they can say "I never realised ..."

It's hard! I'm dating at the moment and I'd say I look for problems/red flags. Even if I can't find any I still doggedly keep looking

It is tricky to get a balance after you've had a difficult relationship. And if you've lived on your own for a few years it takes a while to get used to the level of compromise a relationship requires. Then getting to know a new partners real personality takes time. I've had difficulties on all three accounts.
The best advice someone once gave me was "all relationships take compromise, but when the negatives outweigh the positives its time to sit down and think whether you want to continue".
How much compromise are you comfortable with?

Another one here escaped from a horrible marriage and now loved up with the nicest kindest man I ever met BUT he is a messy bugger and has a hoarding/clutter gene which has made his family miserable. After two years we have sorted out his elderly DPs and their mess but now I am facing the decision whether to share a house with him.
I am a bit OCD when stressed and like my space orderly and minimalist. I love cleaning and counting things so I am good for him and his house, but is that good for me? I do have martyr tendencies I need to watch out for. I could keep a separate house near my work and friends and carry on as we are, although in the long term I would rather share a home with him.

Probably we need a Chat. Cards on the table, no holds barred, "this is what I would need to be happy can you manage that"?
It would be how he responds to the frank discussion that would be the clue. I know my DP will be prepared to make big changes to make me happy, but should I expect that or just work round him?
And should I alter my standards and accept a mess or is that just going to stress me out?

It's definitely all about compromise, it all depends on how willing BOTH parties are to compromise. Half the battle is knowing that your partner recognises that he needs to alter some of his ways, but you also need to be prepared to do so as well.

Meet in the middle, but stay in the middle too. Make sure each one of you are able to speak out when they think the balance is moving.