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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Moved in together five weeks ago and I have made a huge mistake

31 replies

sickofitalready · 10/01/2014 16:43

My DP and I moved in together five weeks ago. We met in 2008 and we were together until December 2011. We got back together in January of last year after his mother died.

A week after we moved in together I received a facebook message from a woman who said she had been living with him during the period that we had split up. She was very specific with dates and I know that she is telling the truth.

She said that he threw her out of the house and would not give her her things back. She also said that he tried to order a television set from Argos in her name and she got the police involved. She went on to say in the message that he was evil to her when they split up and that he had said some disgusting things about her son.

To say that I was horrified would be an understatement. He had told me (and mentions it all the time) that he was single for a year blah blah, blah, and keeps mentioning when I dumped him how lonely he was and how he didn't have anyone with him when his mother was dying (the woman also said that she sat with him at the hospital when his mother was dying).

At the point that I found this out we had literally been in our new house for a week. From the timings she has given me there is no evidence of any overlap between her and me, but even so there was the tiniest of gaps and he has never, ever mentioned this woman. Ever. Neither has his 11 year old daughter, which I find amazing if she lived with him.

We have rented a property which is in our joint names and which is far more expensive than I could afford on my salary alone. I have an 8 year old son, who lives with me. I have no savings whatsoever. The tenancy is for one year.

This morning he told me that he regretted moving in with me, that he had no interest in me whatsoever, that he didn't want to get married any more (he proposed just before we moved in together) and that he was looking for somewhere else to live. This all stemmed from me saying that I wanted to put the cat (his cat) out at night as she keeps coming into our bedroom and waking us up. This has happened every night since we moved in as the door will not close properly. All I said was that I wanted to put the cat out at night as I needed to sleep as I work FT. He just went mental about it.

This is just one example. Since we moved in he has to control everything. I feel like I can't breathe. I said I was going to my friends house for a cup of tea last Sunday and he got all huffy and basically ignored me all day.

This all sounds very, very trivial. I know it does. Just typing it out makes it look trivial. But I feel trapped, by him, by the tenancy agreement, by the fact that I have no money to leave.

OP posts:
AndWHOOSHTheyWereGone · 10/01/2014 16:47

I doesn't sound trivial. It sounds likes a big fat red flag flapping in the wind! You say he is suddenly very controlling. This will not get better. I have never EVER come across a man who is controlling and then successfully stops being controlling and goes on to have a normal relationship. If this man is being controlling he ain't going to stop. It will just get worse. I think you need to think about getting yourself out of this situation, don't marry him yet, just take some time out.

Original poster
sickofitalready · 10/01/2014 16:48

It's all I can think about to be honest. I gave up my home (rented but still my home) to live with him. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/01/2014 16:52

It doesn't sound trivial at all! He sounds horrendous!

Well....you're going to have to get rid of him aren't you? Somehow.

Have you mentioned the ex girlfriend to him yet or are you keeping that one under your hat?

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 16:54

You have got to get away from him.

Go to the CAB and ask how you can do this when you are signed up to a year long lease.

Keep a record of his shouting - verbal abuse- and the times he has asked you to leave. You can do use this as evidence when you leave- unreasonable behaviour- if he tries to make you continue to pay some of the rent- I assume you share it now?

Maybe you could move in with a friend or family short term, or borrow some money for a deposit for somewhere new?

Original poster
sickofitalready · 10/01/2014 16:55

No I haven't said anything. I think if he would get a lot worse if he thought that I knew about her. At the moment I need to concentrate on trying to get out of this without bankrupting myself. I have no money to move house again. If he leaves I won't be able to manage the rent and the bills on my own. I feel trapped and incredibly stupid.

OP posts:
pictish · 10/01/2014 16:56

Lodger?

Original poster
sickofitalready · 10/01/2014 16:56

Jaffa - I work for a firm of solicitors. I know the law on tenancies. It's not good news for me I'm afraid. We are jointly and severally liable for the rent payments.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 10/01/2014 16:56

Is there any chance that you could get someone in to house share with you? Sounds like you must have a few bedrooms so maybe you could get another parent and child to help you with the rent?

aaaaaaa · 10/01/2014 16:57

Can you speak to the LL to terminate joint tenancy?

move in with a friend until you save a deposit?

fiftyandfab · 10/01/2014 16:57

Have you not challenged him about the facebook message? Is there a chance he knows you've received this message (which might account for his sudden change in behaviour)? Did you live with him first time around (3 years together surely would have been enough time to display these behavioural traits)?

Sorry for all the questions...just trying to understand.

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 16:58

Yes of course- but you are not going to live with a man who bullies you are you?

If it's that cut and dried then you have no option but to stay.

Or persuade him to go and rent out a room in the house.

pictish · 10/01/2014 16:58

OP - he is doing this because he reckons that now he's got you trapped, he can let you deal with the real him, because you've no way out. You are stuck there with his abuse.

I would speak to Women's Aid for advice.

knickernicker · 10/01/2014 16:58

Not trivial nowhere near. You absolutely should not be with this man.

fiftyandfab · 10/01/2014 16:58

oh sorry....X post

sparkleowl · 10/01/2014 17:00

So sorry to hear of your situation, worrying, as you have a child to take care of . Ask him to stick out the year of the agreed tenancy contract [he is on contract too, so will have to pay] say that he doesn't have to stay around if he doesn't want to, just pay your rent [his share]. If he can't or won't do this, can you speak to the landlord, because he won't want a tenant that has problems paying and may well cut you a deal to get out of contract [thus freeing you to rent on your own somewhere or live with a relative for a bit?]If he can't explain all the hurtful things he said [his Mother dying?] be very careful, control freaks are hell to live with.Good luck.

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 17:00

It's emotional abuse which could escalate.

There will be a law to deal with that which overrides tenancy agreements.

Talk to the CAB and Women's Aid.

noddyholder · 10/01/2014 17:03

get a lodger/student in until you decide what to do and change your number/locks He sounds manipulative and a bit psychotic

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 17:04

noddy- you can't just change the locks when someone has a legal right to be in their home.

Twinklestein · 10/01/2014 17:04

Not trivial he's nuts & you need to get out.

Personally I wouldn't put a cat out at night, I'd just shut it in the kitchen, but that has no bearing on how much of a wrong'un he is.

Original poster
sickofitalready · 10/01/2014 17:07

It's a nightmare to be honest. We haven't had a cross word about anything until we moved in. All of a sudden it's his way or no way. We haven't lived together before. We split last time because I didn't want to move in together

OP posts:
noddyholder · 10/01/2014 17:11

I am looking at it more from a 'he wants to go' perspective and tbh I wouldn't trust someone that unpredictable not to let himself in. He is looking for somewhere else to live.

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 17:13

In a rented house you can't just change the locks- that is down to the landlord who also has keys and a right to reasonable access.

noddyholder · 10/01/2014 17:14

You can ask the landlord We had an attempted burglary and out LL at the time was ok about it.

Jaffacakesallround · 10/01/2014 17:17

In that case Noddy, like yours, the LL usually offers to change the locks- they have for someone I know.

Offred · 10/01/2014 17:18

Have you checked your financial options re: top up benefits and getting a lodger etc?

If he is abusive you can apply for an occupation order which would effectively evict him.

Have you spoken to the LL?

He is liable for the rent as you are and you can sue him for his half if he doesn't pay I believe.