Empty Condom Wrapper - Help, please.

[CrackedNipplesSuchFun]

I haven't NC as I would like you all to know that I am genuine. As a result I can't give away too many identifiy facts etc as I really don't want to be outted here by my MIL and SIL!

That said, I would like to give some background on my relationship with DH, so when I get to the condom thing you can give me an honest, and hopefully, an informed opinion and advice. Thank you in advance .

DH and I have know one another over 10 years, married 4 years, with a 2.5 year old.

I am rather shouty in arguments, he is very passive aggressive. I like to sort out a disagreeement, thrash it out as it were, where as he likes to shut down and walk away. Leaving it days before he will utter one word to me. Before we had our DS, we got through life fairly well, few arguments but as life wasn't so serious then neither were the arguments. As all will know with children, their introduction ups the ante in regards to priorities.

Through my pregnancy we were the strongest we had ever been. It's was great. Sadly through my pregnancy I also had to deal with my awful mother. She berated me for trying to breast feed , sadly one example in a line many. Once DS was born I was diagnosed a few weeks after with PND. 6 months into DS being with us she was horrid and ended with her telling me she never wanted to see me and my family again. I never have, despite offering the olive branch on two occasions. (There is so much more to it than what I've said but I want to be as brief as I can).

The above helped me become a manic depressive. This unsurprisingly put a massive strain on my DH. I was suicidal and just in a bloody mess. We got through it but I'm still on ADs etc and most days can be a struggle, if I'm honest.

DH works a 9 - 5 job, mon to fri. I work from 5am - 8am most mornings then look after DS, including putting him to bed as he has now dropped his naps, so goes to bed a little earlier. Before DH would put him to bed. Due to my early starts it is DH rsponsibility to get DS up, and fed. He also does the washing up, most mornings.

I come home and look after DS until I put him to bed. Household responsibilities are mine, bar ironing and taking rubbish and recycling out. Though he leaves both to pile up until I have to nag or alternatively, do it my self. On a sat DH has DS. I tend to work 5 -11/12 on a sat, so I come home and have a sleep to catch up on the lack of it from the week. DH will generally put Hoover around, wash up every sat (occasionally a few other things if I've mentioned it a few times) and then be with DS for fun and games all day.

We have conflict hugely when it comes to division of labour. It's a huge sticking point. Essentially DH thinks he does enough and I don't. I don't expect much but just a little more equality. When I didn't work, fine, but now I do and very unsociable hours, along with my depression, I would like a little more effort from him. He thinks that I am competitive and that he works really hard mon to Fri and that I don't appreciate that. I said last night and many other times that we should write it down and try to rebalance. He suggested we did it last night whilst we were arguing and said that if we did it then that would end the relationship. Needless to say the list never happened and we ended up with me sleeping on the sofa (my choice).

Sorry this is so mammoth.

Why I tell you this is that I feel very insecure in myself and my ability to function, properly. Our relationship for a good year has felt very unstable. I am, as a result of the depression, a nightmare to live with, at times. I know this and when I am told it and what I have done wrong I do try to make a big an effort as possible to change my ways and to be aware of my behaviour. When I try and do the same to DH he is defensive and accuses me of constantly attacking him. He told me (in the past) I'm a bully.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, whilst DH was at his mums, along with DS, I discovered in his jeans back pocket am empty condom wrapper. I can count in one hand how many times we have had sex. A few days prior to him going to his mums we had sex, with a condom. The morning before he went we did it without. The condoms by the bed are in a orange box, wrapper orange and silver. The condom wrapper he had was a pink and silver one. We did have pink ones but that was ages ago!

We spoke not long after me finding it, via skype, and I didn't say a word. I was calm etc. mainly due to the fact that my first reaction actually wasn't that I thought he had slept with someone as I don't think he is like that, my reaction was just confusion. Given the instability of our relationship, he didn't buy me a Xmas card from him or our DS, we had been having massive issues before hand to do with his family (where their needs were put above our family). We later spoke on the phone and he asked if I was ok. I told him about the condom. Terrible timing and inappropriate as he was at his mums but I couldn't keep it in any longer. I wasn't shouty or aggressive. I just calmly asked where it came from. His reaction was an unfeeling "where do you think." which upon his return was home dare I ask, which then turned into his complete and utter offence at me asking at all. That he now knows exactly what I think of him.

The argument started last night because of this dam condom. I still don't think he's done anything. He eventually offered up that we must have merged condoms boxes.. This is plausible but his reaction to me feeling that I am ok to ask, is in my opinion, so horrible. He doesn't see this. He says it's ok that I asked but it tells him what I think of him. That every action has consequences ... His words.

So I ask, and if you got this far - thanks you, was I right to ask? Because I am so confused. I thought I dealt with well. He thinks I've massively cocked up. Given my depression I know that I am capable of making the wrong decisions, saying the wrong thing etc.

I am so confused and really just need to hear opinions so I can see if I am being irrational or not.

I reiterate, I am not perfect at all and I have contributed to the failing of the marriage. I am not perfect but he has too, but will not accept it. He remains focused on how I attack constantly and all he can do is defend.

I am also happy to be critised as all I want to do is make sense in my head. I don't trust my ability to think straight anymore.

TIA

Of course you were right to ask. There can be times when you choose not to ask a partner something but in a healthy relationship there shouldn't be times when you feel you can't / shouldn't ask something.

How do you feel about his explanation re the condom?

Sounds extremely fishy to me but you obviously know your situation better than I do.
If it was me I would have chopped his cock off so you handled it better than I would have.

I'm sorry- but I don't understand some of this.

why did you ask him about an important issue like the condom packet on Skype? why do you skype- why was he not at home?
Was he visiting his mum a long way away or something?

I don't understand the merged condom boxes.....

it's not about where it came from, it's when he used it and with whom.

If you don't have any that are in pink wrappers then I'm really sorry but it looks as if he's used one that he bought somewhere else- and not with you.

I think you ought to ignore your depression and your bad behaviour- it's irrelevant- you seem to be suggesting your behaviour has given him the green light to have sex with someone- are you?

What usually happens to condom wrappers after you have had sex? Why would one end up in a pocket, not just binned?

What do you think of the possibility that the instability that you allude to in your relationship could actually arise from infidelity? For it is quite common for wandering spouses to undermine their marriage in order to 'justify' what they have decided to do outside it.

Hi Cracked. I'm diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Not often I mention them, because I think as soon as people know it's easy to worry about the effect on their behaviour / thoughts towards you.
As a result of this, I have found it very difficult to work out who is the baddy, who is aggressive and abusive. I say this because he displays this to me, but then blames my problems for making me like that. I can now say, Having lurked here and having rl chats that it is him, and I may have the above but I'm not mad, or abusive. He is.

Because my wider family / work did not know about the EA I apparently became a total unreliable flake. Can't function crap at work, losing job after job.

Now I know it's him that probably worsened my problems and am taking baby steps.
Just because you're depressed / whatever doesn't turn you into N abuser. And yes, perhaps you are a nightmare Sometimes - but isn't he supposed to love you, and want to help you? You can't worry about that as well xxxx

Having re-read your last few lines no, you are not going mad- he is most likely lying to you and using your mental health issues as a means of trying to make you feel as if you are going mad. He's also threatening you with his comment about actions have consequences- what's that supposed to mean- he'll leave you_ or have sex with someone else?
sorry but he sounds dreadful.

Sorry, bit unclear lol don't let him convince you you're imagining things if you're not iyswim. Why would he have put a condom wrapper you two had used into his jeans pocket anyway? Xx

Hi thanks so much for the relies and advice. I am just about to eat diner with DS, but didn't want to not respond. I really do appreciate it.

Briefly to answer Jaffa, his mum lives a great distance to where we live. He went with DS for a long weekend as you can't visit in one day... We don't drive. We skyped as the signal there is rubbish. Plus I wanted to see DS. We later that day spoke on the phone. I wasn't going to ask him about it until he came home, as that would have been the right thing to do, but upon speaking again later that day on, the phone, I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. He went away on. The Friday, I found the condom wrapper Sat morning... He wasn't due back until Sun evening. Yes, the consequences remark is referring to that if I ask such an untrusting question, then I have to deal with him being offended by it and it perhaps ending our relationship. Not necessarily him leaving and shagging someone else, I think!

North, the condom explanation (when he finally proffered one and might I add it wasn't said in a way that was reassuring, it was said in a tone of disgust at me for even thinking differently... Iyswim) is plausible. It's the reaction and continued offence he has that I asked that makes me think he is being mean to me and minimising it. I don't think he did anything, but maybe that's because the alternative is not worth thinking about. It would screw me up completely, and in turn my DS.

daisee thank you for sharing something so personal here. It gives me comfort and hope. I hope you are doing well and are happy . He has acknowledge the condom in his pocket, but tells me it was from us when we had sex the few days before he went to his mums and he picked the wrapper up and put it in his jeans. It does seem odd.

As I've said to him. If our relationship was in a good place I properly wouldn't have batted an eyelid. But given the circumstances (which is why I went into so much detail in my OP), finding it really jarred me and I felt it the right thing to ask about it as opposed to ignoring it and then hurling it at him in a massive argument months later.

Thanks again ever so much for responding. I can at least go to bed knowing that it was ok for me to ask. And I responded calmly.

Lurking your response is great. Come here and I'll pass you a knife . Whether he has slept with someone or not the argument last night makes me want to cut his knob.

Are there or are there not condoms in pink wrappers in your home?

You said not, for ages.

Why would he put the wrapper in his jeans pocket? When did you last have sex with a condom, and why would he pocket the wrapper- why not throw it in a bin in the house or wherever was nearest?

Nothing else is relevant.

You seem to think you are to blame for asking him about it due to being hard to live with some of the time.

You aren't and I think he is lying. when people lie they huff and puff and try to make the accuser feel stupid for asking.

First of all - very sorry you are having such a tough time - PND and all

It's always very difficult on these sites to get a real feel for what is going on, but sometimes imo the contributors are perhaps a little quick to rush to judgement

If he is innocent (and he could have picked this thing up in your house at some stage and just shoved it in his pocket), and you very fairly describe yourself as "shouty" which some would say is verbally abusive, then it is perhaps not surprising if he's feeling hurt

Sounds like - to use some legal phrases - he's probably guilty on the balance of probablities but not beyond reasonable doubt. I think you need more evidence before you come to a verdict

I just hope things improve

Doth the man protest too much?

I have no mental health issues at all and a very happy relationship, but I assure you I would bat both eyelids if I found an unfamilar condom wrapper or indeed any condom wrapper at all in DH's jeans.

If he gave me the silent treatment after asking him about it, I might well explode.

It would certainly give me reason to think he'd been unfaithful.

I agree with other posters. Your health is not relevant to this at all. I also agree your relationship might have got considerably worse recently if he's been having sex elsewhere.

I think it's telling that when you asked where it came from he didn't answer you. Classic.

I.think.this boils down to what he did with the condom wrapper when you last used one. does he pop them in his jeans pocket? could it have been a pink wrapper?

anything else is not relevant

Roxy thank you for your input, I agree that more evidence would be required to fully conclude he is or has been unfaithful. Its the reaction and his continued reaction to me that bugs me. Not so much if that is a sign that he's guilty but whether his attitude is detrimental to us all. Iyswim.

Rhonda the few people ive spoken to about this, all two people, said that exact same thing.

Fluffy he said that his reaction on the phone was due to him being in his mum's home and he couldnt talk.

Im about to get DS ready for bath and bed so wont be back for a little while. I will be back later though.

Again thanks to everyone that has left a response. Its amazing how having people listen can really help calm you.

Piper normally they are abandoned on the floor and I would clear up the packet in the morning. But that isnt every single time. When he clears it up I havent a clue what he does tbh.

It could be pink if the packs had been merged. I was under the impression that the box had orange ones in it. They are by my side of the bed and so when I clean I see it. But not looked in it for ages. I assumed we had finished the pinks hence why we where now on the orange box.

Right I really am off!