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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL died and FIL not coping could o with some advice

21 replies

heididrink · 10/01/2014 12:09

I would be grateful if I could get some opinions on this situation.
I will try to be as brief as possible but its a bit complicated.
Basically MIL died 8 months ago and my FIL is not coping . He is 85 and from the generation where my MIL did absolutely everything for him .
He is incapable of boiling an egg and refuses to learn to cook even the most basic of foods or even use a microwave.
When we visit there is no food in the house but we know that he does eat out 2 or 3 times a week but refuses to have any help to cook meals etc
My FIL lives in Ireland and we are in the UK and my DH is an only child.
So my difficulty is that my DH feels responsible for my FIL- as he should - but he feels so guilty about the situation that he is spending more and more time with his dad in Ireland.
He is there at the moment and he will be back for approx 3 weeks and will be off again for a week to ten days.
The pattern atm is that DH visits every 4/5 weeks for at least a week at a time and he has taken early retirement ( encouraged by my FIL ) in order to do this.
I am finding the whole situation really disruptive. I cant go with my DH as we still have teenage DCS at home and besides I find living out of a suitcase difficult.
I had a really difficult phone call with my DH last night when I told him how lonely I was and now he is flying home but I am now racked with guilt.
Am I being selfish should I just accept that this is how my marriage will be and that I will have to get used to being on my own .
I should say that FIL is reasonably active with a brain as sharp as a tack so he does not need personal care. He just misses my MIL and is lonely.
Any advice ?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2014 12:32

I think, while he's in Ireland, your DH should talk to his father and also local support agencies about solutions to help him be independent (assuming that's what he wants). Home-based care, sheltered accommodation, meals on wheels... I don't know what's available but you can support him in this perhaps by making phone-calls or doing internet searches. You also need to talk to each other about a long-term solution because clearly, with the distances involved, it's not going to be possible to keep ferrying back and forth and it's also not fair to ask DH to choose between you and Dad. You're both important to him.

HavantGuard · 10/01/2014 12:34

Can you not find him a 'woman who does'? Through church? Someone who would come in and clean and cook?

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 10/01/2014 12:39

What Havant said. There may be someone (a neighbour or a friend) who might like to earn a few Euros keeping an eye on FIL and taking round a hot meal once a day.
Or there is the more formal option of whatever the local solution for "Meals on Wheels" is.

Could you teach FIL to skype, so DH could chat to him daily to make sure everything is OK? My 80+ year old mother skypes regularly with friends she doesn't see very often.

Original poster

heididrink · 10/01/2014 12:43

thanks for your responses. FIL wont consider any outside help but he is well supported by his church and neighbours . He has a good support system as he lives in a small rural community and a better social life than I have . He is just lonely and says that he wants family around him but wont consider moving closer to us.
I just feel its an impossible situation but I suppose I just have to suck it up

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/01/2014 12:44

Good ideas from MNers so can't add anything but

he has taken early retirement ( encouraged by my FIL )

I am sorry for your FIL, and it is lovely that DH is close to him and wants to help him, but this ^^ is quite a step, and you are feeling sidelined.

Hope you two work something out.

HavantGuard · 10/01/2014 12:45

It's really unfair of him to do that. Can you have him visit you or will he not do that either?

tiktok · 10/01/2014 12:49

It's not 'help' if he pays for it, surely. Paying someone to clean and cook is to pay for a service, and does not need to be regarded as anything but liberating.

I have been in that situation (or similar) before with aged in-laws and there comes a time when someone has to lay the law down with a few home truths...your FIL is being selfish, and although there may be reasons for it, your DH's main family responsibilities lie with you and your children. Has your FIL always been this controlling?

No need for you to feel guilty at all. And no need to suck it up.

Sounds like FIL is angling for your DH to move back permanently. His dependence issues are not going to go away or get any better.

Time for you to put your foot down. We (me and DH) had to.

lilyaldrin · 10/01/2014 12:58

The current situation isn't sustainable. Either he needs to have a cleaner/carer come to him or he has to move closer to you.

I agree with tiktok that you need to put your foot down.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 10/01/2014 13:09

Agree with all the above, meanwhile could you stock up his freezer with some of the better quality ready meals.

My Grandpa found himself in a very similar situation in his 70's also literally unable to boil an egg. His solution was to enrol at the local technical college adult Ed classes and learn!

Original poster

heididrink · 10/01/2014 13:12

tiktok yes we have considered moving over as DCS are about to go to Uni however I have mixed feelings about it.
Its strange MIL used to say how selfish FIL was but I could never see it before He has said that he has always been looked after and its what he has come to expect.
He stayed with us over Christmas /New Year and even tho he is lovely and I get on very well with him I was exhausted when he left as he never lifts a finger.
I wouldnt mind but he is fit and able.
Need to have difficult talk with DH when he gets back as I feel that we could end up living separate lives

OP posts:

Original poster

heididrink · 10/01/2014 13:15

turnaround we stocked up his freezer and fridge and when we returned 3 weeks later nothing had been touched.
He just pointed to the fridge and said that there where probably some things which could get thrown

OP posts:

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 10/01/2014 13:18

Would FIL necessarily need to know about any deal between you and a "woman who does"?

tiktok · 10/01/2014 13:19

If you end up moving to Ireland, you will end up moving in with him or close enough for you all to be at his beck and call, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking him to doctor's appointments etc etc. It does not sound as if he will be appreciative, because he feels entitled.

He probably has to be 'lovely' because by 85, developing some sort of superficial charm is one way of making people feel obligated to you.

It's the 21st century. He's fit (at the moment) and has all his marbles. No need for the next generation (and the one after that - your DCs may be going to Uni, but they will probably prefer their own familiar area to come back to in the holidays) to be subjected to his preferences for being waited on.

tiktok · 10/01/2014 13:20

Oh my God - the fridge/freezer story is very revealing. He has a cheek. Tell him where to go!

Original poster

heididrink · 10/01/2014 13:24

tiktok my DH treats his dad as if he is made of cut glass.
I can just picture my DHS face if I told FIL where to go
thanks for all of the replies I dont feel like such a bitch now

OP posts:

tiktok · 10/01/2014 13:30

heidi, your FIL is controlling and selfish, and actually quite unpleasant and unkind on what you have said here. Your DH needs to put you and your children first. But if he treats him with such deference, despite all this, it sounds as though he is actually very scared of him.

This is not healthy, or good for you or your children.

glammanana · 10/01/2014 13:30

heidi with your fil being an active member of his local church surely a quiet word with one of the wardens may help,I know they do a befriending service at my DDs church with some just popping in for an hour or so,is there anything similar to AgeUK they also do something similar and have the knowledge of how to entice a person of your FILs age to particpate,he clearly is not suffering as he is showing how cute he is in manipulating you hubby and I think just needs a very firm hand,I would not consider moving over there and disrupting your life & that of your children you should be enjoying you time with your OH now he is retired.best of luck.

evelynj · 10/01/2014 13:39

Agree with all th pp. Perhaps if you go over next time too with a list of what he could do -options of help cooking & cleaning or learn himself or move to be nearer to you. Sympathise about mil but be firm & say your family can't do this so lets make a plan to move forward. I know it's scary doing anything new at that age but you & dh will support him but things must change. Using the microwave is a good place to start with ready meals.

Can he make tea/coffee? (My uncle is same & his mother then my aunt has always tended to him-she tried to teach him to cook about 10 years ago in case anything ever happened to her. She went into hospital last year & every time he wanted a hot drink, he drove 2 miles to the nearest garage for a coffee!)

sonjadog · 10/01/2014 13:48

I would definitely contact his church and ask them for help with the situation. Phone his minister/priest and explain the problem to him and ask him to have a chat with your FiL about it.

I have an Irish mother who can also be stubborn and refuse to do what to everyone else seems to be obvious. The minister is the way to go. When he talks to her, she listens. Drives me insane when I have been saying exactly the same thing for months and he says it once and she acts like this is the first time anyone has made the suggestion, but it gets the job done.

rookiemater · 10/01/2014 13:50

Agree with every word of what tiktok says.

Sure he doesn't want strangers in his house, but it is not reasonable of him to expect your DH to abandon his family for weeks on end to cook his meals for him.

I absolutely would not move over to him. It does not sound at all in the best interests of you or your DC. If you are close enough for DH to make regular visits then that is good enough, if you move over, he will move in and then what will happen to your marriage.

3bunnies · 10/01/2014 13:54

almost identical situation bar the location and time span. We have had to support FIL to find solutions to these issues - he now gets internet deliveries and once a fortnight a company deliver frozen meals which he just has to microwave. We found this more successful than filling the freezer ourselves. We work and live a fair distance and have primary/nursery children so can't be there all the time. I think that you maybe need to set out a rough timetable between you & dh to support him to be more independent. FIL was resistant at first to cleaner but now he quite likes having someone in who chats to him. Maybe dh could find someone and tell his father that he doesn't want to spend all his visit cleaning. Then gradually add in more support, ready meals - your day to heat it up tonight dad, etc until he can either do things or has someone else who does. All the time that you are doing things for him then he won't do them. The loneliness I don't think they do get over, but if they aren't prepared to move then all you can do is try to find people and things to support him there. Interesting that his late wife said he was selfish - I would bear this in mind when considering if you are being unreasonable.

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