Utterly numb

[Shockedandconfused8219]

I don't know where to start.

I joined my friend ona night out several months ago, my friend is gay so we hit a few gay bars. My friend ended up vanishing and left me on my own where I got chatting to a man.

We chatted for ages and he came back to mine, nothing happened, laughed and drank and talked about some pretty deep stuff. He was really nice, attractive and very fun to be around.

We added each other on Facebook and have sent a few messages.

He eventually asked me out for a drink and I accepted, again nothing happened and we just had lots of fun. We got talking about the night we met and I asked him what brought him to the gay bar, he said he has a lot of gay friends, mostly women. I didn't push on the subject, We drank and chatted like we had known each other for years.

After a couple of weeks of chatting and texting and meeting, we eventually shared a kiss. It was lovely and nothing else happened. After this he became distant and "odd".

After several days of asking what was wrong he said he really liked me but he doesn't think anything can happen. I asked why, fearing that he was ina relationship.

He told me that he is transgender, female to male.

I'm just so shocked. He apologised and said he didn't tell me straight away as he is supposed to be living as a man now, but also knew he could not and did not want to lie to me.

He's so so lovely and caring and wonderfully natured. I just don't know what to do. He said he hasn't hadn't had enough time to work out how he would approach relationships but always knew he would not lie about this, however I took him by surprise.

I am not gay, he looks like a man, sounds like a man. I am so confused. Help

I think you need to break it down into different areas.

Genetically, he will always be female, but as far as you and he are both concerned, he is male. He identifies as male and you've only ever known him as male. Forget thoughts of homosexuality or gender confusion on your own part - the attraction you feel is heterosexual in origin.

Is he pre or post op? You will need to discuss the mechanics of sex with him if you want to have a sexual relationship with him. It's worth bearing in mind that penis-in-vagina sex leading to male ejaculation is certainly not the only form of fulfilling sex out there and not having sex in that way can actually improve the sexual experience for many people. That said, it remains the 'norm' and you may feel uncomfortable about adapting. That's a personal choice on your part and it is yours to make without fear of being thought prejudiced. It could just as easily apply in a so-called normal heterosexual relationship for reasons of contraception of erectile dysfunction for example. but you need to be honest with yourself about your decision for both of your sakes.

The other thing to consider is his need for privacy or openeness. Is he intending to keep this private to all but family, old friends and sexual partners? Or is he planning to be fully open about it and tell new friends, colleagues, etc? Does that fit with how you'd choose to handle it if you became an item?

In an ideal world we would all love others for who they are inside, not their physical characteristics. It's not an ideal world and never has been. While you are quite rightly bound by laws governing how you treat transexual people socially, you are under no obligation to have a sexual relationship with one any more than you are under obligation to have a sexual relationship with the man down the pub.

If you like him and want to go for it, try talking it out with a view to making a decision once you've had chance to think. I'm sure he will understand and be expecting it. If it's simply too off-putting, well so be it. Sacrificing yourself to a relationship that makes you feel very uncomfortable because you're worried about seeming prejudiced is a daft idea because it will never work and he deserves someone who can see past his transgendered status. But don't beat yourself up if you can't be that person. As long as you don't think or feel any differently about him as a human being, it's ok to feel differently about him as a potential sexual partner IMO, just as it would be if another potential lover told you that they had a particular sexual desire that was incompatible with your own likes and dislikes.

Are you still interested? It doesn't make you gay, he's a man in most respects. It could be complicated in some ways but then again it might not. Or if you can't see him as a partner you could still keep him as a friend.

Beautifully put Dahlen

OP, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to think. Work out first how you feel and what you want to do. Don't let what you think others might think worry you - you can deal with that later if it's necessary.