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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

sad starts and happy endings

4 replies

looklikeascarecrow · 10/01/2014 11:38

Last year was an annus horribilis as Queen E would have put it.

A year ago this week I discovered my DH had a serious porn habit which he'd hidden from me for 10 years. I felt like a right lemon - no wonder he'd always been secretive, controlling, manipulative and never been that into me. But pregnant and shit scared I stayed with him "for ths kids" in particular my unborn baby.

Some months passed and hed sought no help. I stayed put as I was on maternity leave and had no family nearby to offer support. I begged him to try and change but as he tried to fight his porn habit he grew angry, aggressive towards my DS (aged 4), and even more manipulative. I made the decision to get thru the year, build my strength up, get some money together then leave (he refused to leave the house). I saw a solicitor etc etc and started planning my move. Which by all accounts was really exciting - and fueled with girl power I knew I could do it.

I had the baby. I got my conifdence back...he carried on being outwardly aggressive towards the children (full of remorse the next day - arent they always) and I went on to find hed been contacting prostitutes and ordering kinky ladies undies off the web (in the 10 years previously, not in those recent months). YUCK.

Meanwhile as operation "Escape from Gloucestertraz" was underway I met someone else and fell in love. Happy ending was in sight.

A year on, Mr Hunk wants me to move in with him. And who wouldnt? He treats me like im actually normal - hes good fun to be with, upbeat, all round top dude who my family love. Hes even relocated 40 miles so my kids can be near their dad.

So why - why oh why, when im about to take the step of moving out of my marital home...towards actual happiness, do i feel so so so awful??

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 10/01/2014 11:49

Sorry, have you actually separated from your husband? It's not clear. And maybe you should move out and live with just your kids instead of rushing in to living with another man? What do you feel awful about?

looklikeascarecrow · 10/01/2014 11:56

yes we have separated. I feel awful for giving up on our marriage.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2014 12:36

'Giving up' is a harsh self-assessment. If this were an employment tribunal your exH's behaviour would constitute 'constructive dismissal' ie. leaving you with no choice.

Agree with the PP. Be careful Mr Hunk is not just a pleasantly shaped piece of driftwood you're clinging to. Anyone can seem nice & normal when the only comparison is an abusive man.

looklikeascarecrow · 10/01/2014 14:47

That's a really interesting analogy Cog...and I fear that too about Mr Hunk. Thanks x

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