How do I deal with this 'friend' (feel guilty)

[Mrswellyboot]

A long term friend 17 years has, increasingly over the past few years become very cynical and difficult to be with.

While we were never best friends, we were close. But I find lately I get very down after meeting her. She can be abrupt and rude. She is not a bad person and probably the one I could ring if I lost my job or shit hit the fan.

I have recently had a baby and am happy and content to be a mum and don't see any negatives, I enjoy him. When I see her she always puts me down. Like when I went back to do my MA she said it was because I had no man at the time (just before I met dh), if I lose weight she will say I am obsessed with weight watchers, she is nosey and I often tell her more than I mean to and then she will throw it back at some stage.

I said to her I would like another baby some day, she harps on about secondary infertility (what the f**k?) and said I might never have another one. When I was in hospital bleeding from bf and recovering for man emcs I said could she wait until a few days to see me as I was sore. She said I am sore too!!!

I didn't answer the phone to her the other day, I just couldn't face her crying and negativity and had tried to meet up with her twice before Christmas and she couldn't, then she rang to call over but we had a meal booked.

She stormed up to my parents asking what was wrong with me, now my mother has been saying what I selfish person I am?

What should I do, I feel bad because I know her so long.

Tell your mother to wind her neck in for a start. :) Then you're going to have to be brutally honest with this friend rather than not answering the phone and hope she goes away. 'You're bringing me down and I'm not enjoying your company' ... or words to that effect. Friendships change over time and it sounds like this one has run its course.

Thank you. I can't wind my mother in, long story, have developed a thicker skin.

I find it so hard to say to her that she brings me down. She is not bad just very unhappy and thoughtless and a lot of her friends don't contact anymore. I don't want to be the one to tell her when they haven't.

I think she struggles herself so believes everyone else does.

She has left a Christmas present at my mothers and I feel so bad but the last time I said to her she was a bit mean in what she said, she roared crying saying 'have I a bad bone in my body. No I haven't a bad bone in me, I wouldn't hurt a fly, do you think I'd hurt a fly'. We were in public and I say of course not.

she sounds a bit unstable tbh, I would distance.

stormed up to your mothers? who does that?

I know!! The worst is, she knows my mother is difficult and gives me a hard time so I feel she did that deliberately! My mother loves a bit of scandal and will feed off this now and guilt trip me, even my father said oh you she's a nice girl. I told my father what she says and he laughed and said fair enough.

She's so nosey that when I broke up with an ex, she googled his work number and rang him to find out did he dump me or what was the story and didn't tell me until twelve months later. In the guise of 'I was hoping to get you back together'

Your 'friend' sounds very selfish.

I get that you feel you can't say it to your friend. Maybe just put some distance between yourselves.

I agree with the poster who commented on her storming up to your mother's... Your adults!!

You know she behaves the way she does because she gets away with it- don't you?

Look after yourself & your baby.

X post....Your friend sounds like my sister!
She's taking the pics & doesn't recognise boundaries.

8 months of NC with my sister has been bliss!

pics? pissed!!

She sounds a bit bonkers - I'd be stating clear of her! And ignoring your mother.

If she deliberately wound your mother up knowing she is your Achilles Heel then she's a bitch. Why do you think you have to save her feelings when she has no regard for yours? Is it because you're used to placating your mother and see them as similar characters?

Thank you all so much. Sorry to hear about your sister shelly, that would make it harder alright.

I haven't contacted her since as I don't want her to think that by calling to my mothers it will guilt trip me into seeing her. I really am trying to look after and my baby and have been lucky to not have had pnd I am aware that I am at risk and try to keep fit, busy and positive. I just don't need it.

My mother has signifiant depression and it takes a lot out of me as the only daughter. So my downtime is so important.

At least you see 'it' Mrswellyboot!

It's very difficult to manage situations like this. Best wishes x

You are feeling bad because she is a PITA, when you think about it that's not on is it.

She gets away with murder because let me guess, "that's just how she is". So your family fly to her defence. Let them. Distance yourself.

Enjoy your baby and soon enough you will be making new friends you have something in common with.

Your "friend" sounds like a real nutter to me!

I think friendships often have a time limit and this one is up. Tell her you don't want to pursue this friendship any longer and then go about your life.

It will be stressful but think of the years of stress free living you will have afterwards.

I think there are two issues here.

What you've described suggests mental instability in your friend. It is not normal behaviour to google a friend's ex's phone number and call him. It's not normal for adults to recruit a narcissistic and troublesome parent to the cause of upsetting said friend and garnering sympathy.

My advice as regards her is to suggest she gets some professional help but tell her you are going to step aside for now to protect your own mental health. Then do it.

Next, have a think about your own boundaries and why you've put up with so much for so long from this frenemy. There are probably clues in what you've put up with in your mother for years. Work on your boundaries and maybe get some help yourself in stating them.

Leaven you hit the nail the head! I tend to get sucked into this sort of thing. My mum knows that I just tolerate her sometimes, though I respect her and do a lot for her. It's hitting a raw nerve with my mother.

Use her actions of storming to your mother's as the excuse for cutting contact with her. She will need a reason, telling her it's her negativity is just going to result in lots of tears, guilt tripping and you back where you are now in a few weeks' time.

Tell her she's crossed the line, that is not how adult friends behave with one another and you will neither forgive or forget her actions.

Just keep repeating, no you've crossed a line that you can't uncross. I'm sorry, I can't trust you again.

OP my ex friend of 12 years has done almost exactly the same with me. Completely different circumstances but the was a drain on my energy in many, many ways. I sent her a Christmas card which prompted her to contact me via facebook to say she had been 'testing' me by going NC (not the first time she's done this), that it was all one sided (her putting in all the effort), that she was depressed and suicidal. That I had never contacted her (not true), that I had accepted gifts from her but had never reciprocated (not true), that I never had time for her (not true, I once spent 2 days doing online testing using her ID so she could get a dream job on the back of my efforts!!).

In short, a manipulative, controlling, bitter, entitled woman. Jeez, she once co-erced me into joining her on holiday on another continent, then in the space of 2 weeks saw me on 4 occasions for a few hours at a time. Luckily I'm self sufficient and had a fantastic adventure with some new people I met whilst there.

The upshot is last week, after offering her help and advice re. her depression, I pointed out she had a selective memory and I wasn't going to justify myself to her, or anyone else on the planet. She then deleted me from facebook....what a relief.

I think you should detach yourself from this woman and whilst it's sad to lose a 'friendship', get on with enjoying your life without this emotional drain on your energies.

Ay caramba! She sounds just like an ex-friend of mine. Her name doesn't start with an 'R' does it?

I'd also known mine for about 20 years or so and she got progressively worse as time went on: having a go at me for not entertaining her enough when she came to visit when I was literally dying in hospital, saying that I didn't cry enough when my sister died and was therefore a cold, emotionless shell, how I was a terrible friend (after I had put her up when she had to do a midnight run from the US because she pissed so many people off) and getting her a job where I work when she was unemployed because she kept getting turfed out of jobs for being such an utter nutjob. Not to mention the countless times she actively sabotaged my life: calling friends and telling them I'd said all kinds of things about them, calling my parents telling them all kinds of made up bollocks (when we were in our 30s!), telling people at work personal shit and just general made up shit about me.

I'll never forget the time she didn't talk to me for a year when I refused to stalk an ex boyfriend of hers on her behalf. She wanted me to arrange to go for coffee with his permanent girlfriend and tell her all about his philandering. She would just sit in the corner with some dark glasses on like a spy from a 1950s espionage film. No word of a lie.

I could make a whole new thread about that terrible cunt's behaviour.

tl;dr Anyway, my strong advice to you is freeze her out: stop taking calls, go completely NC. As you've already found out, there is absolutely jack and shit you can say to people like this. Like my nasty cah of a 'friend', yours will forever think that she is the victim, the lovely person who can do no wrong in spite of how many friends, boyfriends and jobs she loses. You can say nothing to change her behaviour.

My parents also thought she was the bees knees. Until you get to know her, she seems like the most charmingest, nicest person you could ever hope to meet. It was really hard putting up with them telling me what a giant meany poohead I was being to that poor innocent girl.

My Nasty Bitch ended up not talking to me. I have no definite idea why, but was relieved in the long run. She dumped me shortly before I was due to have major surgery, and I know her well enough to know that she thinks very sick people are boring and gross (she nearly puked when she saw the state I was in in the hospital - I'd already told her not to visit partly because of this but she literally pushed the objecting nurse out of the way to see me because it was 'her rights'). She would see this as a completely fine viewpoint to take.

Yes to what the others have said. She is not a friend, time in grade does not win tenure so to speak. She would not hurt a fly, but she certainly would hurt you.

I wish I had ladybird 's line when I was detaching from my sister. That would be the perfect thing to say. I recommend rehearsing it ad infinitum so it will just roll of your tongue smoothe as silk.

My experience developed into sister finally deciding to go NC with me (although she sent stuff at after Christmas ), similar to fiftyandfab 's circumstance. You might experience something along those lines where she will need to have the last word. Simply put on your Teflon jacket and let her have it...it does not matter because you are past being done here. Enough is enough.

I am glad for you that you have developed a "thicker skin" regarding your mom. May I ask: is that akin to emotional detachment?

My long term [13 years] 'friend' has also kicked off recently, has been rude, critical, screamed abuse, always was snappy and resentful....for who I am and my life, which I'm quite happy with. I've been told I 'use' her, I'm 'dependent', I get 'obsessive' [when I do things she isn't included in] ...none of which is true, in fact it is rubbish and actually describes her.

I have bent over backwards to help her in so many ways and include her in family stuff....needless to say I'm not included in her family/holidays/friends.

I walked away, I am not a punchbag...she then drops off presents for my grandchildren....then wants me to meet up after Christmas....so I take up a birthday card [out of compassion and I want to find out what the hell is going on in her head]...then she says she doesn't want to lose my grandkids! What? Wants to have her cake and eat it I think...

She has problems, needs help and knew that all along despite her denials. Launching at me, blaming me is not going to take away her issues. She refuses to acknowledge what she said and did, which overstepped the mark and switched off something inside me.

I'm still walking, just with more information now. And I suggest OP that you do the same as we haven't the energy to deal with people who drain us and suck out our enjoyment of life with their shortcomings. Your 'friend' uses similar tactics to mine, trying to dampen any enthusiasm I have, trying to put doubts in my mind, implying I do things wrong and to stop me enjoying myself basically...They sound spoilt, entitled, resentful blamers. Not nice and we can be pushed over the edge into NC. But what a relief....

I would also just put distance between us. No need to explain why, unless she asks.

I see I am not the only one dealing with this type of thing! I totally get that I find it hard to speak up for myself when people make nasty comments and it hurts me more.

I don't feel as guilty now. I will let time pass and enjoy the freedom at the moment. It will be awkward. I will say to my mother that I won't be discussing it ever again and I don't want it brought up. I might even say to mum that I am sick of people shitting on me (I never swear in rl so she will get her ears cocked at that) and hopefully I might get the message across two for the price of one.

She's not a true friend, I see that.

Thank You all, have a on me