He works, I don't - SHOULD he help??!! (Long)

[Tagz269]

I need some advice with myself and my partner of 10 yrs. as long as I've known him he has always been lazy/messy etc however circamstances have changed and we now have a 1 ure old daughter.
Since being on mat leave/having baby I've been made to feel so bad about the decision WE made together! We both knew the implications of having a baby, we both knew that I would be at home and he would have to work.
I have not gone bk to work as they could not offer me a flexible enough role therefore I quit to stay at home and raise our child , but am actively looking for p/t roles.
All I ask from him is a little bit of help: why can't he pick up his dirty pants and socks and put them in the laundry basket? Why can't he put his plate in the dishwasher? Instead he leaves this all for me to do.
He is so lazy and SOOOOOO selfish!! When he gets in from work he either has a 2-3 hour bath before/after dinner OR plays on his ps4- till 11-12pm. We spend NO quality time together- I'm upstairs watching tv in bed he is downstairs playing his game.
I have to beg for him to spend time with his daughter as he just plays his game whilst she is playing around him- I want him to Interact with her more.
I cook, clean, do chores, walk the dog morn and night, look after dd, cook for her and feed her- but when I ask for his help i get the reply - " l have been at work all day, what have you done?" " you just sit at home all day" this is emotionally draining me as this is a decision we made together and I'm being made to feel worthless for it.
I have tried talking to him which always leads into an argument.
I just don't know what to do anymore

Hmm, all sounding very very familiar. I'm several years down the line from where you are. It's not fun...

The problem is for 10 years you have enabled his behaviour.

Hide the wires for the ps.
Stop cleaning up after him.
Stop being his mum.
Stop begging. Tell him straight, either he shapes up and starts acting like a parent and a partner, or he fucks off and lives somewhere else.

Why the surprise? He's lazy and messy. The circumstances may have changed but he hasn't. This is as good as he gets. Is it good enough to live with for the next 10 years?

What's he doing in the bath for two/three hours at a time?

Agree with Bloodyteenagers

Stop doing stuff for him. Don't pick his things up, tell him what you want.
Why have you put up with this for 10 years.

Read wifework. Get him to read it too. If he's a decent man he'll make some significant changes.

Why did you think that things would change when you had a baby?

I mean, he's a selfish man-child, but you knew that already.

2-3 hours in the bath?
Surely the water gets cold

To be honest, this behaviour would be concerning even if you didn't have a DC - what the heck does he do in the bath? Is he addicted to the playstation (which is apparently more interesting than his daughter). Yes of course he should help but he doesn't -- so what will you do? What are you getting out of this relationship?

Reading this, I don't think the issue for me would be the messiness or the lack of help, it would be the lack of closeness.

My hubby has messy tendencies and still requires ongoing training and refresher courses in what standards are required from him!

This could be an issue in many relationships, he's not bothered about mess, I like things organised and not to get in a state as it's easier to keep in top of things.

In our case though, we are close both physically and emotionally so it's not the big deal it might be to others.

Sounds like you both need to remember why you fell in love and what you love about each other and then talk through anything that needs a improving on.

Wow thanks for your replies. He spends ages in the bath on his phone and tops up with hot water hehe.
I think a good long talk will help alot

A good long talk will achieve nothing and he will likely start a row or equally just accuse you of nagging him.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this manchild?.

Why do you think that a talk will achieve anything given that you have enabled him to be like this over the last decade?. I am sorry but you are also at fault here. His mum likely did everything for her darling boy as well, you've just carried on where she left off.

Help? No he shouldn't help

Because help implies it's your job and he is doing you a favour.

I don't think SAHM equals picking up the other persons clothes and putting his plates in the dishwasher because he can't be arsed to do it.
And if you do go back to work, even part time?

What's going to happen then?

Because if he can't pick up a plate do you think he is going to step up when you are working? Of course not. Instead of "you have been at home all day" it will be his job is harder than yours or he works more hours than you.

Tell him it's not helping, it's being a grow up man and doing what needs to be done.

When did he start to be like this?

I think a Rota, agreed in a normal conversation is the way forward.

Its like a contract

You knew what he was like before you had a baby. And you encouraged his behaviour by doing everything for him! I work PT and DP works FT so more of the housework falls to me as I'm home more, but, he cooks dinner every night, takes the bins out before work and at weekends he'll help if things need to be done (changes the beds, does laundry, helps clean the flat) because we're a partnership.

I'm happy to do more during the week because he works 9 hours a day and I don't, but that doesn't mean he gets to do nothing. Why have you let him get away with it?

Anyway, he has a baby now. It's not okay for him to play video games and ignore her, nor is it okay for him to lie in the bath for 2-3 hours a day. He needs to get home, maybe take thirty minutes to have a shower and change and have a cuppa, then he needs to get stuck in and help. He needs to spend time with his DD, bath her, help with the bedtime routine, read to her, play with her and just be a dad. He'll regret it. She won't be little for long.

He neither needs a rota or a contract, that makes him sounds like he is an employee. He simply needs to step up and unfortunately for OP he won't particularly as she has put up with this from him for the last decade. His own mother likely ran around after him from day 1 as well thus also doing her bit to create the self absorbed manchild.

I tend to give my DH two options. For example;

Will you watch DS or cook dinner?
Will you watch DS or wash up?

Neither is not an option.

I don't pick up dirty pants as I am not a skivvy. I hate having to walk on the unknown pile of stuff on his side of the bed so I just throw it all on a chair we have in the bedroom or in the bottom of his wardrobe and ignore it.

I do wash clothes that are in the basket and leave the clean pile on the aforementioned chair.

Re the playstation, we don't have one of those so I'm afraid I can't help there.

I do feel as though housework should fall to the SAHP depending on the working hours of the other parent. Noone should be putting in significantly more hours and effort than the other.

Also - please organise a full weekend away, preferably 3 nights and leave him to it with dc. No instructions. Might add a little perspective of your lazy days.

While one is out at work they are working out of the home. When they return home if there is work to be done at home the work should be shared IMO.

As a SAHM parent you should be looking after house around your dd's needs... but only in working hours. After that, and at weekends, it's a shared job. He doesn't get his evenings free while you slave away. I agree that you give him choices eg

bath dd or cook the tea
bath dd or read her a bedtime story

or any other options from putting washing on, ironing, putting bins out. He does one, you do the other. Fair's fair.

Anyway if he does bath dd then he has water to 'top up' for a bath himself later when he's done his chores.