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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my family hate my partner

17 replies

Vespar7 · 09/01/2014 19:40

I live abroad in the county where DP is from and over Christmas my family came to stay for a week. I am pregnant with DC2 and have extreme morning sickness so found it hard cooking and entertaining but I tried my best. My family were great and said they just wanted to spend time with me but DP was grumpy for basically the whole week saying that he was bored sitting around at home. At the time I thought it was only me that noticed but today my family told me that he made them feel really unwelcome and that in their opinion DP constantly runs me down. They said they and my extended family have never liked him but the one thing he had going for him was that they thought he treated me well.

I spoke to DP and he was shocked and apologetic and first but later on he turned nasty saying they hadn't helped with any of the cleaning.

I feel quite shocked and I'm wondering whether other people have been in situations like this and managed to resolve them?

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 09/01/2014 19:45

Hi vespar

In my experience those who are close to us see the truth of a situation because they are outside of the trees looking in, where most of us in a potential rubbish situation or relationship can't see the wood for the trees.

Vatta · 09/01/2014 19:48

So....he sat around grumpy all week, making your family feel unwelcome, then "turned nasty" and started attacking them when you tried to talk to him about an upsetting realisation that your family dislike him. Your family feel he puts you down constantly.

He doesn't sound great from this tbh. How do you feel about his behaviour? Putting your family to one side, is he actually good to you? Does he make you happy?

NatashaBee · 09/01/2014 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vatta · 09/01/2014 19:58

Also, just another question, you have 1 child already, are pregnant, and have extreme morning sickness. Your dp was sitting around complaining about being bored. Why were you the one doing the cooking and entertaining? Why didn't he step up to look after you for the week?

NanettaStocker · 09/01/2014 20:01

What's he like when your hasn't got your family staying for the week?

Ebayaholic · 09/01/2014 20:05

I strongly suspect that your family are being genuine and have no ulterior motive. Please listen to them, they have been brave. Please don't alienate them now as a result, in a 'it's you and me against the world' type scenario with your DH.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2014 20:07

I agree with your family

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/01/2014 20:11

What everyone else has said. My parents have always been spot on about my relationships.

Original poster
Vespar7 · 09/01/2014 20:13

Thanks for all your comments. In terms of the way he treats me I never really thought of it as an issue. I sometimes don't like the way he speaks to me but I tell him and I am generally happy with him. His has always been a bit moody and negative but when we are alone I just ignore him. I have noticed that when we have guests come to stay he often gets grumpy which makes me feel uncomfortable but I thought it was something only I picked up on. I really appreciate my family telling me as we are very close. I feel so sad about the whole thing especially as my family have said they don't want to come to visit again and DP isn't really welcome in their house.

Should I get DP to apologise to them and try and smooth things over?

OP posts:
clam · 09/01/2014 20:27

Yes, I think you should. That is, if he wants to remain married to you for the long-term. You don't want a rift - but there's one already there. Ignoring it won't make it go away, but an apology might help.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2014 20:30

What do you get out of your relationship now?.

You read like you've become conditioned over time to hearing his comments. You're probably "generally happy" because you perhaps feel you have to carry on for your child, you're pregnant with your second and feel like you have no other options as you are no longer living in the UK. What's he like when you tell him, my guess is he stops for a short time but his underlying nastiness towards you continues just as before.

What do you think your child is learning about relationships here?.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

Your man is an adult; why should it be up to you to get him to fix things with your parents when he caused the problems in the first place?.

I would agree with your family as well; they have your well being at heart here. They could see what you could not.

AnyFucker · 09/01/2014 20:38

Yes, I think he should apologise. If only so that you can stay close to your family, because I suspect you are going to need them in the near future

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/01/2014 23:24

I had something similar. Like an idiot I leaped to the defence of my then DH and thought my family were trying to cause trouble. Really wish I'd listened to them in retrospect. They loved me and he didn't. Took a few more years before he took his miserable face to live with an OW.

ImperialBlether · 09/01/2014 23:27

I would feel awful if I visited my daughter abroad and found her husband to be such a twat. I'd want to stage an intervention and bring her home with me.

Do you think you have put up with this low level bad behaviour and thought that's the way life is? It isn't, you know, not for many people. It really shouldn't be the way you live.

Original poster
Vespar7 · 11/01/2014 20:11

Sorry for not responding sooner. Had to go to hospital to be put on a drip for stupid morning sickness. I've been thinking about what my family said and while I totally agree that he behaved awfully I think that the comments about him treating me badly are not right. While my family were here I bit my tongue about a number of things that I wouldn't have normally just to avoid arguing in front of them. Looking back I guess it would have looked like I always just accept it to them.

I have been feeling too rubbish to really have a proper talk about it but I did mention it briefly again and he seems to have justified his behaviour to himself. He doesn't seem sorry at all anymore which I find incredible. If I were in his situation I would want to put things right straight away. I think I'm going to try and have a proper talk about it tomorrow and tell him that he needs to apologise to my family. I just have a bit of a fear that he might make it worse....

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2014 20:20

If he doesn't think he did anything wrong & isn't sorry, your chances of getting him to apologise to your family are nil. He hasn't apologised to you either and now you fear it might make it worse by raising it again? He sounds like a bully.

Meerka · 11/01/2014 21:35

I feel so sad about the whole thing especially as my family have said they don't want to come to visit again and DP isn't really welcome in their house.

If the feel that strongly, specially that he isnt welcome in their house, that's kind of pretty worrying.

Also, sorry to hear about having to go into hospital for morning sickness. Your husband should be helping you now.

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