warning signs or being paramoid?

[HamwidgeCake]

Hi, wondering what your points of view are on this:

Recently my husband has started working with some new female staff. For the past 3 months, I've been getting an almost daily comments about stuff she says or does, but not mentioning name, just saying "the graduate says"... etc.

Today he showed me a set of mild jokey texts.

To me, this is ringing alarm bells, seems like infatuation / begining of a flirtation.

Am I being paranoid?

At least he's showing you I suppose. If he stopped talking about her and stopped showing messages, then I'd get worried

Gut instincts are brilliant though so keep an eye out

Thanks for replying, I may be being overly devious but I think he showed me so he can claim he has nothing to hide.

I feel sick.

He doesn't send jokey texts to his male colleagues.

Be aware of what's going. This is a common scenario for an emotional affair to begin.

... going on.

Thanks jean, there's nothing I can do about it, I don't think.

I really don't want to worry you but it is a bad sign when someone keeps mentioning a particular person...although it is strange he calls her "the graduate" rather than her name. I wonder if this is an 'in-joke' between them? Ask him what her name is and see how he reacts.

Buzz, over the last week the names been cropping up too.

Oh mentionitis.

Why not ask him if this is going to stay a crush or proceed to an affair?

Should I say I've noticed it or say nothing?

Sounds like mentionitus. Sorry. Perhaps very early start of an emotional affair - then when something starts/you draw attention to it, that's when they suddenly don't get mentioned again.

www.amazon.co.uk/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

You could have a read of this book. A lot of it is about dealing with the fall-out of an affair but it also talks about the build-up and what leads to affairs.

She's definitely on his radar and at best he's got a crush. If they are working together it can very easily lead to more.

I'd call him on it now, Twinkle makes a good suggestion.

Cross posted with Twinklestein

I'd say something. Most people drift into affairs almost by accident. They are so certain in their own moral superiority that they don't safeguard themselves. To prevent one from happening you have to be aware of your own weaknesses and susceptibility. You asking him what he's doing to ensure this doesn't accidentally stray over the line is a good way of getting him to focus on it. You don't need to be accusatory about it.

Ok, thanks ladies.

instead of worrying why not say something? this is your husband! tell.him you're worried, tell.him you feel.uneasy and spell out what will happen if he does anything.

Is there any history with this post?
By that I mean has he given you any reason, in the past, for you not to trust him as you obviously don't trust him with his new collegues.

If he has given you no reason in the past then I'd say you were being a little paranoid. Just show and interest in his new collegues and trust him.

If there is an issue in the past that you have not told us about then I'd have a word.

Piper, thanks, I'm going to follow the advice and ask as soon as I get an opportunity, kids etc.

Andy, no history, I was seeing a pattern develop and asked if others would be worried too. Thanks for your input.

its interesting my boyfriend mentions men and women daily in his team but then he's paid to interact with them (IT related) a lot. so I take no notice.

and one lady is "evil bitch boss" who's leaving soon and the other is a lesbian. LOL

he also told me about a previous woman boss in previous company who he had a fantasy about (he said he didn't fancy her?!) but this was way before he met me.

Hello boys, this is one person over and over again and he does not work closely with her. He hardly mentions the people he works more closely with.

"tell.him you're worried, tell.him you feel.uneasy"

If this was me I'd appreciate that my wife had expressed her concerns with me and I would comfort her and tell her that there was no reason for her to feel this way.

"and spell out what will happen if he does anything"

And I'd be quite insulted by this if everything was innocent.

OP, you are obviously having trust issues with your DH. This is not good, you need to address your trust issues with him in general rather than specifically.

Andy, I think you're reading too much into my posts. At this stage, I'm trusting him but watching him develop a relationship with another woman. But thanks.

Instincts always mean something. Sounds like a crush. If she is a graduate she must be early 20s? How old us your dh?
Maybe time to gave a chat about boundaries. If he is senior to her, he must behave appropriately.