I am a Wimpy Mum and need help.

[cheeseislovely2]

Hi all

I was hoping that I could draw on your collective wisdom to help me find a way out of the hole I have dug for myself.
It might be a bit of a long post so I apologise in advance.

My problem in a nutshell is that my inability to create boundaries and say no to my daughter is getting worse, as is her behaviour and I don’t know how to change myself to be a better parent to her.

Without boring you all with the details I think some of the problem stems from my own childhood.
My father was a violent man and I bore the brunt of a lot of this violence – I was often the scapegoat for the families frustrations so adapted by trying to do everything I could to keep the peace. I was the diffuser of arguments, never had an opinion on anything and pandered to the rest of the families moods to keep things bearable.
This combined with me being highly sensitive as a child compounded the issue.

I think the most profound affect of all this was that I became a people pleaser to the extreme – In a strange way it is almost like a talent.
Friends have said I have an uncanny knack of making everyone I meet feel comfortable, and a warm and friendly manner that is lovely to be around.
But while I like getting on with people this “skill” masks what I think is a form of protecting myself from feelings of extreme unease. If I think people are unhappy with, or around me this just feels awful.

This draws me back to the problem I have as a parent.
From the moment my daughter was born I have had a complete inability to say no to her or do anything that would cause her discomfort.
I find it hard to explain but her being upset with me or angry causes a stress reaction in me that is almost too hard to bare .That sounds so over the top but it’s the only way I can describe it.

Her behaviour has always been very, very challenging (my fault I know) – She is defiant to the extreme and will say no to everything I try to get her to do. Even stuff that she might want to do gets short shrift just for the sake of saying no.

So the common dynamic in my house is that she is defiant and I try and try to get her to do the usual stuff but can never see it through and always end up backing down. due to not being able to deal with the stress of the constant confrontations.

This has made me in to a really useless Mum – She literally does what she wants.
She is 13 by the way, but she has total autonomy in the house – I think in a strange way the polar opposite of my own childhood.
She has complete control where I had none – Ironically I never, ever wanted her to feel powerless like I did so I think again my ability to take control back
is rooted in never wanting her to feel like she has no power.

I’m not a complete right off and come into my own in the being a fun Mum stakes.
We have loads and loads of fun together and she gets an abundance of love and affection from me, and I her.
But when the fun stops and I have to be a parent I am useless.

Please anyone if you could offer any words of advice or suggestions I would be so grateful.
I have honestly never met a parent who is as wimpy as me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and apologies for the typos and grammar as trying to compose this on a phone

Oh, sweetheart. I only have small DC and no practical experience of this situation but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Bumping for you in the hopes someone more knowledgable about teenagers (Maryz perhaps?) will be along soon.

It's a pity you didn't address this issue when she was a lot younger, but better late than never. Can you go for counselling? A good psychologist can help you come up with strategies to set boundaries for your daughter and enforce them, and can motivate and support you. Keep telling yourself that you are doing your daughter no favours - how is she going to cope in a work situation where you have to work under someone who has authority over you? How does she behave at school?

Have a look at dr Kevin Leman's parenting books, we got good tips there.

Have you posted in the Teenagers section? they are brilliant over there and the best advice you will get will be from people who have teenagers or have lived through the experience.

Mine aren't teenagers yet, but I think not being afraid to say 'no' or at least saying 'no' in a nicer but firm way is really important.

Lots of people recommend the 'How to talk so teens will listen' book- which specifically addresses how to gain cooperation from your children (or at least try).

Unfortunately, I think you have probably picked the worst moment to try a new style of parenting and she is likely to rebel against it anyway- I think whoever suggested counselling for you, to get you strong while you work on your parenting has it spot on- as teens do wear you out and down.

Just to add she is very well behaved at school.
I know she is crying out for boudaries and lay the blame firmly at my own feet.

I just me raising her by the way so no other outside influences to consider.

Thanks for the advice so far and will look at the Teenage forum.But I think its me that needs to change and not so much her.She is just a product of my crap parenting.

And Lasting light is so right in that I should have adressed this earlier.

Teens are hard work at the best of times, but maybe you can break your issue down into one or two things you want to be more assertive about? Are there specific things causing the most trouble in the household which you need to address?

If you pick one or two things (lets say the morning routine, if you find you are always late for school because she refuses to stop texting at the breakfast table or whatever) then you can try to deal with those first and build on it.

Making sure the phone is in your hands not hers, and when she asks if you have seen it, saying she can have it back when she has finished her breakfast (on repeat, as she gets more and more angry at this complete destruction of her human rights!) might just be the little battle you need to win to show you that you can do it again. Have a phrase ready to repeat to her, make it sensible, and she will give in before you do as long as you stick to the script. I imagine it will be painful for you in the short term, but one small victory could lead to lots of small victories!

Start with one thing, e.g. "DD I've been thinking about our family and how we should both contribute to the household, that's only fair. From now on I would like you to clear the table and do the dishes after supper. If you choose not to do it I will subtract x amount from your pocket money / lock away your tablet for a day / not allow you to watch tv the next day." Pick a consequence that will make an impression and then DO IT. If she becomes verbally abusive, calmly tell her "I understand that this is new and you are unhappy about it. You have another 5 minutes to express your unhappiness and then it stops. If you choose to continue, this is what will happen:.......". Stick to your guns op, you're doing what is right for your daughter.

Already some fantastic advice.
I am so greatful for any pointers to getting back on track.

I absolutley know that I am doing her a great diservice by being like this and the logical answer is to just change and be firmer.
I really do have a lot of work to do on myself.

I did look at parenting classes but there was nothing at all in my area.
I have no form of reference to being a good parent or seeing it in action.I deal with things now as i would have as a child and i really need to grow up for the sake of my dd.

I just want to add - the fact that she is well behaved in school shows that you've definitely done something right with her. I'd suggest this book www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875 as a good starting point and also some counselling for yourself, as mentioned above.

Op you sound lovely. You can't think back at doing this earlier but at least you still have time to make positive changes. She does need boundaries, ESP as she enters her teens. The last thing you want is to see her head towards difficult situations and be powerless to offer any advice to her.

Good suggestions on trying a parenting course or some sort of counseling. You recognize that she is crying out for boundaries, so maybe she will want you to be more hard on her. Why not sit down have a chat to her? You're her mum, you need to create that role where you provide boundaries and consequences at the same time balancing support to her. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.

I think 13 may be a little too late to set boundaries and start being firmer if this is a completely new concept to you both. I find I get more cooperation and less rebelliousness out of my own DS (13) if I set out the expectations and consequences, but give him a say how he achieves the expectations rather than try to box him in too much.

Example is homework. I expect him to complete homework on time and to put in some effort, the consequences for not doing homework will be detention at school and reduced gaming time at home ... but... he has to decide how best to achieve the objective and, if he needs my help, he can ask.

That age they are not little kids or adults. They are not emotionally equipped to decide everything for themselves - way too much to ask of a child - but they need to feel certain things are theirs to control within a framework that you set. Good luck

The Teenagers section on MN is for you- not her! You'll find lots of people who have been through it, sometimes with bells on and you may find your dd is not that bad considering. And as others have said, it may be about small adjustments, I don't think coming all authoritarian will work at this age and with your history, but being a bit firmer on a few issues might help.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers

I got better behaviour from my teens from discussing things with them, when they were not behaving badly, and open to thinking. Mostly at tea time.

Usually in the form of moral dilemmas, problems with people at school, what would be the best way to approach something and why, what their friends were doing etc.

Some aspects of their behaviour are still rubbish however

It worked very well with the girls who are the sort of children to try hard at everything they do. With DS, it was more about boundaries and expectations and consequences. He spent all his time avoiding them, while we tried to get him to see them. Still doing it at 22!

I think parenting courses might help if they give you more confidence in yourself as a parent. Everyone's situation is unique and everyones's child will have their own issues.

I had a rather controlling mother op, so I am not trying (admittedly with small DC) to not let them feel like I did. So far I've done this by trying to give them some measure of autonomy within a fixed schedule: e.g. "Now we are going to go to the park. Would you like your big shoes or wellies?" or giving them the option of up to three lunch items. I've noticed DS1 gets actively distressed if there is too much choice so try to limit it to a small number.

Sometimes this works, sometimes not. He's a toddler unlike you, however, I am a heartless bitch who is quite capable of enjoying a cup of tea whilst her DS throws a furious wobbly at not being allowing to walk to the shops in his socks! Don't beat yourself up for caring but it is good that you are open to new ideas too.