Please advise me on how can I help my friend?

[FishfingersAreOK]

One of my closest friends is in what can be a currently unhealthy relationship/marriage.

She is a lovely lady and I want to help her - either to work out how to deal with her husband. Or offer her some advice/support if she decides to end her marriage. I am meeting her for lunch at the weekend and am thinking about going "armed" with some useful printed web pages etc.

Her relationship details are not mine to share. But just think along the lines of emotional abuse, he has NPD and financial abuse. It goes in waves of good times and bad times. This bad time is worse that ever. Potentially another woman involved too.

Am not sure on the best approach for me to help her. Just being a supportive/non advice giving ear/shoulder? I know it has to be her decision what she does - no one else can do that. Or would practical help/links/phone numbers be more use? If so what practical advice would be best? To sit tight and do x/y/z and then leave? To kick him out? Are there ways of dealing with people who have NPD? Are there people she can contact to find out what she would be entitled to?

Please help me help her. It hurts to see what he is doing to her and I just want to rap her in cotton wool and take her and her wonderful children away from it all. But this may not be what she wants.

If you have been in this situation, what would you have needed/wanted from your friend?

If she is in the UK, a good port of call would be Women's Aid.

Give her the website of here.

You'll need to listen in the first instance. If she's lived with this situation for a long time she will have found ways to cope and rationalise. She may have lots of good (to her) reasons for sticking around. Abusive relationships are centred on fear and control, both of which will crush someone's spirit leading to feelings of isolation. hopelessness, self-reproach and self-doubt.

So listen hard to what she's saying, confirm that the treatment is unacceptable, say you want to help & ask if there's something specific she'd like you to do. Once. She may not be ready to be given information how to 'LTB' so be prepared to be rejected or told everything is just fine. You cannot & should not press the point but make sure she knows that you are there when she is ready.

I found it really hard when my friends said negative things about my husband, BUT it retrospect, it was what started to wake me up to how wrong my relationship was and started opening my eyes to the fact I was being abused. I also had a friend who was careful never to say anything negative, and urged me to be sure of what I wanted from my marriage before making any decisions.
I think gently pointing out that she doesn't deserve to be treat badly and supporting her and making sure she thinks through her options, so she doesn't feel rushed and then as a result potentially change her mind about things.
By the time I left I was firm in my decision. It took many months, but I needed to stay that long to cement my decisions so that I would stay away once I left. Leaving is hard. Staying is hard. Whatever she decides, she will beed someone non judgemental to lean on and talk to. If she is open to it, women's aid might be a good help to her.

Thank you for this. I am trying really hard not to say what I really think of her husband's behaviour. Well, I am telling her that it is not acceptable, that he is behaving badly, it is him and not her. But I am biting my tongue in not calling him every name - including Twunt - in front of her. I am aware they may stay together - for some time, maybe forever - who knows. What I do not want her doing is feeling she cannot talk to me if this does go on - if I call him a grade A Twunt and she stays with him, she may want to push me away IYSWIM.

So I have two fighting instincts - one to shout LTB. The other is as you are suggesting - let her lead. Let her take the pace and mostly listen. I shall bite the LTB tongue.

Though, I may suggest woman's aid website - if appropriate point comes up. She already knows there is always a bed/sanctuary here for her and her DCs - but admittedly this would not be a long term option.

I may also suggest a trip to her GPs. She has already said she is emotionally damaged by the latest behaviour of DH and counselling is the only thing that will stop her from totally crumbling - but she cannot afford to go private (even though DH is loaded) so she may get some help through GP. Also a good way of getting on record how his behaviour is affecting her (been checking the Women's Aid website).

Thank you lovely MNnetters - I appreciate it.

You're in a very difficult situation and I would urge caution. It's laudable to want to help but, if someone is determined to stay put, it can become very frustrating to keep biting your tongue and it can start to affect you negatively. Having once gone to great lengths - at her express request I hasten to add - to get a friend out of a violent relationship I was insulted to find out a few months later that she'd gone back to him and I was the last to know.

So I'm glad she has you for a friend but be careful. It can be a thankless task.

I just very boringly repeatedly reiterated 'and you know that's not normal/healthy/ok' every time she told me a story involving his bad behaviour. It's so tempting to yell 'he's a nutcase just leave!' but obviously that might shut down communication.

Having said that, I held my tongue at the start which I now regret, because it turned out she had been very unsure, and almost sleepwalked into it. If I had shared my concerns perhaps may have opened up.

I did stage an intervention at one point, which, after she had left him she told me had almost given her the strength to leave. It was a very polite intervention, in which I was careful not to say anything too negative about him, but focused on her, how unhappy she was etc.

If I had to do it all again, I might have been more upfront. But of course I have no idea how that would have panned out, she may have cut contact.

I've been in a similar position. It's a tightrope, Fishfingers: but for what it's worth, I think you're getting the balance right.

If you are too bland and non-judgmental, there is a risk the person will use your non-committal response to rationalise and minimise the behaviour. ('It's not so bad, and Fishfingers didn't seem that worried. Maybe I'm overreacting'.)

But if you jump in with the anger you undoubtedly feel on behalf of your friend, you risk their defending the abuser, and retreating from you. ('But he's lovely most of the time......Fishfingers just doesn't understand. It's complicated.')

However, if you carry on as you are: listen kindly, ask her how she feels about what happens, support her - and yet calmly make clear that what's happening isn't OK - you will be doing the best you can possibly do, IMO.

As Cogito warns, you have to be prepared for frustration, and a long job ahead. But you sound like the best possible support your friend could have. I do agree that a trip to the GP would be a great start.

OMFG. Saw her today. She is between anger and fighting talk. She doesn't want it to be over - she wants it all to be like the lovely times.

She knows the best thing to do would be packing her bags and leaving - but has also got a pragmatic head on. So she has appointments to see a solicitor, the company accountant and a counsellor. She also is determined she is not going to actually leave the family home - she will make him leave.

And then in the next breath she wants it to work and can be brilliant. And there is no way it could possibly be over.

I am glad you forewarned me this would be a long road.

Can I also be terrible, awfully selfish and just go "Waaahhh" I am totally emotionally drained. I know, I know that is fucking irrelevant and awful of me to say compared to what she is going through. I think I may have some .

Thank you so much for all this advice though. I don't know what help I was to her today - just a listening ear and a few interjections. But at least you chaps made me feel a bit like I know how to approach it.

It's not selfish to go 'waah'. It wouldn't even be selfish to tell her that you don't want to listen any more if you find it too draining or frustrating or the consumption gets too high. Be a listening ear but be careful you don't become a Wailing Wall